Learning Why I Wait

The Lord has taught me patience through many trials over the years.    One of the first big ways was to wait on Him to give us baby # 2 SEVEN YEARS after baby #1.     He has fortunately supplied me with more patience with each child when I thought there would be no way I could handle things well.    Not to say that I don't still blow it, but I've gotten better and the Lord has improved my "vision" on what's really important to make a big deal of and what things really don't matter.   I've learned through the many years of trials and troubles to lean on Him and He truly will supply all that I need according to His riches and glory.  Since finding cancer, life has sped up in some ways and really slowed down in others.    The days have gone fast when they were filled with appointment after appointment.   They've slowed down since I'm too ill to go much of anywhere else and the appointments are not daily any longer.  You would think that means I finally have time to catch up on all the chores and school with the children.....but I still don't have that much energy.   However, our school is clicking along at a much better rhythm since I'm not going to radiation each morning. 

I'll be surprised if my life is the same after cancer as it was before.   I've been forced to stop and smell the roses and I have learned to enjoy this much slower pace.   I didn't realize how much of the load I've carried over the years until I've allowed others to help carry it with me.   For example, my husband does the shopping most of the time now when we run out of things.   My eldest daughter has helped out by shopping with children for their needs for me and my eldest son has run other errands for me.  The days of no interrupting errands have been successful school days and even chores are getting more back on schedule.   What you may not know but before I got the cancer, I was laid off from running a book business for a missionary.   That also took me (with different children on different days) 20-30 hours a week away from home.   Unfortunately, we've had to do some retraining because we got really lax with the children on chores when I was at my sickest.   We accepted half done jobs because we didn't have the energy to follow through.   But I will choose to see that as another opportunity to help my children to become better servants of the Lord instead of ONE MORE THING they aren't getting right.   I usually see their poor habits as my poor parenting.   If I take time to train them correctly, they will learn what is expected.   But it takes time...and time is one of our most valuable assets.   Sometimes, it's the thing I don't want to give all of, but we have to be willing to sacrifice much for our families in order for them to flourish as well tended plants in a garden.

Lest you think I have it all together, I'll let you in on the nitty gritty of our home.  Too many habits got way laid during my sickest months:

• my youngest has to be repotty-trained
• we are working on enforcing bed times again
• working on getting our Classical Conversations memory work back on a daily basis (Mon-Fri)
• they watched too much t.v. and played too many video games which we've finally got back under control
• my little ones went nights without me checking their teeth
• even though I've leaned totally on the Lord, my personal Bible reading has been very hit or miss and we just completed our second week of consistent morning Bible in school.
• the bedrooms have not been mama inspected in so long it will take me probably all of March on the weekends to clean out one room at a time "spring clean" style to get things back in order (including my own!!)
• and we just rediscovered the laundry room floor.

Yet, despite all the short-comings, I'm sooo very thankful for this life the Lord has given me.    Thankful for all the time I get to serve my Lord by serving my family.   Thankful for my family picking up so much of my duties and not complaining.   Thankful for the body of Christ who has consistently blessed us with food and money.   Thankful for all those who worked on and gave towards the spaghetti dinner for us.   Thankful for all the encouraging notes and cards, folks who have given my children rides when they needed them to church or soccer practice, folks who have given clothes, paper products, weekly milk deliveries, and all the prayers.   As hard as this has been, the Lord has poured out so much love to me and my family that I have been totally humbled by the generous outpouring.   So what have I learned?   That I'm still learning, the Lord hasn't given up on me yet (phew, big sigh of relief), that I want to truly life this life with as few as regrets as possible and to succeed I'm going to have to be more wise with my time in the future and weigh all opportunities against if it's going to benefit our family or the Lord in the long run.    Well, its my bed time and I haven't challenged my hubby to a round of cards yet.   Yep, that's fun time for us.   Good night. :D

Jonathan Edwards: “Upon time we should set a high value, and be exceeding careful that it be not lost; and we are therefore exhorted to exercise wisdom and circumspection, in order that we may redeem it. And hence it appears, that time is exceedingly precious.”

Fried, Southern Fried

That's me.  My last day of chemo was Thursday and my bag was removed Friday.   My white blood count levels were almost double and I was so very excited that they were finally in the normal range even if it was the low side of normal.   My home school Classical Conversations community put on a spaghetti supper for us Friday night and I decided to go.    We were so blessed and overwhelmed with such generous support that I'll never be able to thank folks enough for their kindness and love shown to us.

Saturday I began running a fever and have been battling fevers ever since.   Today was my last radiation appointment and I really thought that I would begin feeling like me again even if it was slowly, but honestly I've been more tired and weak.   The chemo doctor said for me to make an appointment with my gynecologist at my visit Friday and the radiation doctor concurred today when I explained some issues I was having (extra bleeding & pain).    For those who may find my appointment with the gynecologist as  TMI, please stop here and pray for healing and infection to be gone.  For the brave, basically my female parts seem to be "cooked" from the radiation used to treat my colorectal cancer.   My bleeding is from being "cooked" like a bad sun burn and the tissues just peeling away.  In fact, I shouldn't have, but I listened in to the doctor telling the compound pharmacist that "it's just horrible!!"  Yikes!  It may have also affected my urinary tract.  

To say I wasn't a bit discouraged finding out I wasn't on the road to being healthy quickly, would be quite an understatement.  I'm not sure if I felt sad due to my hormones being disrupted too or just the fact that my iron is lower, my wbc count was lower, and I just feel puny.   However, I'm going to encourage myself that the Lord assured me He will see me through this and that I have some great prayer warriors lifting me and my family up. 

Preaching to Yourself for Others

This past Sunday evening my sister had a small church service in her home because I have missed going to church since my white blood cell counts have been too low to attend for quite a while.   It was such an incredibly sweet service.   My nephew, Wesley, led the worship part of the service.   He did a fabulous job!  My former pastor and spiritual father, Wade Trimmer, preached to us about life not being fair but as God's children (due to our belief in His son Jesus Christ as the only way to the Father) we are highly favored!   We followed the sermon with a time of communion and then I was anointed with oil and prayed over for healing from my cancer as instructed in James 5:14.   My spirit soured as we worshiped the Lord together and it resonated with the Word that went forth from the preaching.   I chewed on it the whole way home and was so encouraged by the whole service that was "for me".   At least, that's what I thought.

The next morning I was 10 minutes late to my radiation appointment which means I would have to wait to be fit in.   This only happened once before so I try to be early or on time so I am at the radiation center 15 minutes instead of an hour.   Another thing that happens when you are late is that you are in a different group of people than usual.   I happened to be the youngest of the bunch this morning except for 2 young women who seemed to have brought their grandmother into the center.  A gentleman in his 70's came in, checked in, and told everyone aloud "Good morning folks!"   The normally quiet room echoed with many a good mornings.   He happened to know the elderly lady next to him (probably from appointment times being close) and said he was glad to see her this morning and was glad that she was getting her radiation.   She agreed, but said sadly "but I don't understand why the Lord allowed me to get so ill".   He responded, "We can't know that this side of heaven."   A few mumbled agreements and I told them when we get to heaven we won't care about any of those questions we want the answers to.   We are going to be in such awe of our awesome, incredible God that all those concerns will be gone.  Some agreed and some looked as if I was talking Greek.   Our friendly morning man then said he had two choices every morning.  He was going to choose to be happy that day or sad.    He then continued it takes too much out of him to be sad so he chooses to be happy each day.   Making a "choice to rejoice" is what we call it in our home.  As he was speaking, I felt I needed to share the truth I had been chewing on since the night before with the sad, questioning lady.  I was looking to see if there was a chair near her I could get into when they called her name over the intercom.  I knew if I didn't speak to her right then that I wouldn't have a chance because we would pass each other in treatments.   I noticed she had a cane, two bags, and a coat as she arose slowly to gather her things to head down the hall.  Quickly going to her side, I offered to help her get to her treatment room which she gladly received.   As we got through the doors between the waiting room and the hall, I stopped her to tell her that I heard what she said in the waiting room.   That she was right to think that life wasn't fair, but as a child of God she was highly favored.   I wanted her to go home today and read over Ephesians 2 and remind herself of how SPECIAL she was to the Lord.  Because she was saved, she was Sovereignly chosen, she was Positionally holy, Experentially changed, Completely accepted because she was seen as Christ being in Christ, Incredibly secure, Avowedly valuable to the Lord who allowed his Son to suffer and die to cover her sins, which made her Legally Cleared.   I assured her that the Lord loved her and was walking this road with her because she was being Securely managed.   She was so encouraged that her entire countenance changed.  She even shared she had loved the Lord as long as she could remember.   My "cooking" session happened to be after hers so as she came out and saw me she thanked me and reminded me that I wasn't alone either.  

If I could've left the doors of the building,  jumped, and clicked my heels together, I would have.   I jumped in my truck with my husband and told him that I'm so sorry he had to wait an hour but my morning went WONDERFUL!!  He looked at me quite bewildered and I said had I not gone to Sandi's last night and was reminded of these wonderful truths, had I not been moving so slow this morning, and had I not been late this morning, I would have missed a divine appointment to encourage a fellow saint.   WHAT A WONDERFUL MORNING!  WHAT A WONDERFUL SAVIOR, that would allow ME to share His love with a discouraged saint.   

If you want to chew on the same truths, head on over to Ephesians 1:3-14 and be reminded that believer's are Father's SPECIALS!
Sovereignly chosed (elected us)
Positionally holy (justified/anctified us)
Eperientially changed (regnerated us)
Completely accepted (reconciled us)
Incredibly secure (adopted us)
Avowedly valuable (redeemed us)
Legally cleared (forgiven us)
Securely managed (sealed us)

To be further encouraged, make this good confession that we made Sunday night and I hope that your spirit soars as mine has rejoicing in our Lord Jesus.

Highly Favored’s Confession!

“I am blessed of the Lord, uniquely privileged, highly favored, immeasurably loved, in Christ as Christ.”

My Heavenly Father has an active interest in me and daily shows a willingness to give approval and support. His daily favor is shown in His friendliness, helpfulness, and a willingness to contribute to the success and welfare of His selected, favored people – the people of grace and faith and not race and place.

“I’m blessed, and highly favored of the Lord because I’m one of His Favorites! And I’ve been picked out to be picked on to demonstrate that God doesn’t have to pet, pamper, prosper, praise, and promote me as an indication of my standing with Him. By faith I declare that everything God has promised to be for me in Jesus, he has been, is being, and will be! Therefore I will pray from favor, think in terms of favor, translate every event in light of favor, and talk of the favor of the Lord!”

I confess by faith that in happy times or hard times, in pleasure or in pain, in sickness or in health, for better or for worse, God, our Father, is always with me, is always in control, is always good, is always able, and is always victorious.

Therefore, I will not fear. I will not doubt. I will not despair. I will not falter. I will not fail!

What Father says I am, I am. What he says I have, I have. What He says I can do, I can do by grace through faith! Therefore I will live and die in favor always believing that the best is still ahead for me!

I confess that in the Lord Jesus Christ I NOW have a life that can never be forfeited; a righteousness that can never be tarnished; an acceptance that can never be rejected; a standing that can never be disputed; a justification that can never be reversed; an inheritance from which I can never be disinherited; a wealth that can never be depleted; a resource that can never be diminished; a possession that can never be measured; a power that can never be rendered impotent or inadequate.

I confess that in the Lord Jesus Christ I NOW have a peace that can never be destroyed; a joy that can never be suppressed; a love that can never be decreased; a strength that can never be degraded; a power that can never be exhausted; a salvation that can nev­er be cancelled; a forgiveness that can never be overturned; a deliverance that can never be frustrated; an assurance that can never be disappointed; an access that can never be discontinued.

In the Lord Jesus Christ we NOW have an Intercessor who can never be disqualified; a revelation that can nev­er be destroyed; a Victor who can never be vanquished; a resurrection that can never be hindered; a hope that can never be disappointed; a glory that can never be dimmed!

Therefore I will live daily in humility, availability, and responsibility before Him! I confess that my reason for being is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and I am beginning to do that right Now!

Do You Believe in Miracles?

It's interesting to hear views on miracles.   Some Christians believe that miracles are a rare occurrence and they mostly only occurred in the New Testament era.   Others believe they are always available to us but we lack faith and it's always our fault if things don't happen that we pray for.  Personally, I believe miracles still happen, but that it's dangerous to believe we can control God.   Years ago, I listened to some teachings that took the scriptures of having faith (like Matthew 17:20 and others) and believed 100% that if I prayed for a miracle in faith that, of course, it would happen.    Deceived, I earnestly prayed as if God was obligated to listen to me because I followed this formula.   When I began miscarrying a baby that we had prayed years for, I prayed and believed I was going to be 100% healed and this baby that we longed for was going to be born.   When I lost this precious baby, my faith was rocky.   I was worried I was one of those believers in Matthew 7:21-23 that just thought I was saved.   I knew that I at least has mustard seed size faith and was shaken to the core.   What those teachings miss are two big things -- God's sovereignty and mystery.   I went back to the Word and dug into the Word to assure myself I wasn't lost, that I was definitely one of His children.   I preached to myself the Word and assured my spirit of who I was and whom I belonged to.  I still believe that when we pray with faith that God can heal, but now I believe that because He's sovereign He chooses when to say yes and when to say no to our prayers.   I also believe that I can't normally figure out the why's and when's because there is also mystery involved.    Isaiah 55:8-9  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth,  so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  How do I suppose my little brain is going to understand the mind of a God big enough to create the world out of nothing?  Where do we get our arrogance from?  I am still believing God can 100% heal me of this cancer.   I'm praying when they scan me to see how well the radiation and the chemo did before surgery that the mass will be entirely gone and surgery won't be necessary.   But if He says no, will I will choose to praise Him anyway?  Yes!!  

Philipians 4:11-13  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

 A Few Miracles that our Family Has Experienced

1)   Salvation!
2)   All 8 of our children's births....always a miracle!  (5 others didn't make it to birth.)
3)   Praise was born and died for 13 minutes.   She was not supposed to walk or talk.   She was supposed to be learning challenged.  She's perfectly healthy nearly 13 years later.
4)   Praise had her sonogram before her surgery to place a shunt in her brain for her hydrocephalus.   When they did the scan, there was no longer a problem and surgery was canceled.
5)   Praise was off her seizure medication by 6 months.
6)   Nicholas was shot in the eye with a bb gun at 2 years old.   He had no sight in his eye at the first hospital he was checked at.   They sent us to MCG to see a specialist right away.  Driving from the hospital in Millen to Augusta we called for prayer.   When he was checked at MCG, his sight was 100%.   The only side effect is that his blue eye was green for one year. 
7)  When Michael was a baby, he fell into an orchestra pit.   We believe an angel caught him because although he fell at least 8 feet he didn't even have a bruise on his body.
8)  John Russell also didn't have a healthy birth beginning.   He was lifeless and purple.  18 years later we are still thanking the Lord.

These are just a few, very few, of the many things God has done in our family.  Do I believe in miracles?   Absolutely.  

Luke 1:37   For with God, nothing shall be impossible.

Thankful to be Suffering?

Sat with a dear friend who visited today, we discussed cancer, struggles, life, and the Lord.    There's nothing like getting with a sister in Christ and encouraging one another in the goodness of our Lord.   Even if you are in pain, your spirit-man sours, your joy overflows and you become so thankful that the Lord shows you in so many ways that He knows where you are and reminds you that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

My friend had an incredibly difficult 2011.   I saved a paragraph from the book I finished to share with her when she came.   It was such an encouragement to me and felt like it would be great for her to hear as well.   What I shared follows from the book "When God Weeps", by Tada and Estes:

       God uses suffering to purge sins from our lives, strengthen our commitment to Him, force us to depend on grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, spend our time wisely, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance of sin, teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow, increase faith, and strengthen character.   It's a beautiful image.  

  And it's so true.   I've always reflected on life but seldom have I had a chance to STOP for any period of time to really assess what's important and what's not.  This cancer has made me pause and ponder.  It's also made me thankful for this "pause".     I've never felt the love of the Lord through His body EVER before at the level I have now.     Let me clarify that I've never been a neglected child of the Lord, but this is definitely a new level of love that I've been shown since December.

When we've been blessed with a new baby, we'd have a short pause in the routine to rest, recuperate, and enjoy life but having to stop due to pain and illness is definitely a place I've never been before.   I'm unsure if I'll ever go back to the speed of life I was at before.   I've always felt like my priorities were to the Lord, my husband, children, and home, but I did a lot things (really good things) that interfered with taking care of these things with excellence.    Not for a second am I seeking perfection but just keeping my priorities straight and  I may need to say no to more things, even really good things.   What that is going to look like, I'm unsure but it's going to be good for my family.

I Thessalonians 5:18  In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.   Thank you Lord for teaching me so much in this short season.  

Growing Weary

I'm laying on the couch with the door open while the spring like breeze blows in through the screen door listening to three boys play basketball, while two girls and Christopher paint pictures, and my eldest son paints the dining room.  It's spring in February this year in Georgia.   My power bill loves it but I sure hope we get enough cold that the bugs don't overrun us in the "real" spring and summer.  I'm half way through my treatments and had a definitely weary in well doing type of day a few days ago.  At the end of the day laying in bed with the hubby, I shared with him that I was just tired of not feeling good.   It gets really old.   Not knowing the hormones were kicking in (if you catch my drift) with the regular just not feeling myself I must admit I was pretty pitiful.   Of course when I got a wonderful cyclical surprise in the morning, I thanked him for being sweet and tender but I was going to be alright.   These few months of not feeling well have definitely given me a new empathy for folks with chronic pains and illnesses.   If I'm struggling, I still preach to myself truths from the Scriptures.   When I'm too weary, I have a fabulous husband, family, and friends who continually remind me what a short journey I am on, how far I've already gone, and that the Lord is with me.   But what if I was looking at a lifetime of pain, illness, and lethargy.   Although I can only imagine how hard that would be, I have had a small taste of that world.   The things I would have to purpose to do to fight growing weary in well doing:

1)  Find joy where I am.   (Today it is the spring like weather, a birthday for my baby turning three, giggles over cake, the fresh breeze blowing in, a morning with my Mom who chauffeured me to appointments, a husband who is employed in this tough economy, a grown daughter who calls and checks in on her mama despite her busy life, and children at home who don't even complain about picking up my slack)

2)  Share how I'm feeling so those who love me could encourage me when I'm struggling.   (I'm not good at this one.   I usually don't share struggles until I'm on the other side of them.)

3)  Seek the Lord.   (He is faithful!)

    Deuteronomy 4:29   But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you 

      will find him if you  look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
      Psalm 9:10  Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have 

      never forsaken those who seek you.

  

Also, it's taught me things on how to be a friend to others going through illness.  I want to definitely purpose to be an encouragement and available to others the way I've been blessed these past few months.  

Specific prayer needs:

My white blood count is still low and needs to go up.   My iron is still low.   I went nearly two weeks without any pain medication and was really excited but this week I've begun having quite a bit of pain.   I'm sensitive to everything they've used thus far to cover  my port each week and scratch in my sleep to the point of bleeding.  

Please continue to pray for Sam Simms who is battling non-Hodgkins lymphoma.   I was at his birth 17 years ago!   Pray also for his parents.   It's much easier to go through this yourself than watch a child suffer.      Thanking the Lord for his life, praying for his complete healing and hoping for a now kind of miracle.

Pray also for Drew Ansley.   Another long time friend has a 24 year old son who was in a bad fall and has been in a coma for over a month now.    However, God has been working in his body along the way performing miracles.   They need his kidneys to "wake up" next.  

Thanks so much prayer warriors! 

Prayer for Our Children

Father, hear us, we are praying,
Hear the words our hearts are saying,
We are praying for our children.

Keep them from the powers of evil,
From the secret, hidden peril.
Father, hear us for our children.

From the whirlpool that would suck them,
From the treacherous quicksand, pluck them,
Father, hear us for our children.

From the worldling's hollow gladness,
From the sting of faithless sadness,
Father, Father, keep our children.

Through life's troubled waters steer them,
Through life's bitter battle, cheer them,
Father, Father, be thou near them.

Read the language of our longing.
Read the wordless pleading thronging,
Holy Father, for our children.

And wherever they may bide,
Lead them home eventide.

~Amy Carmichael

Day of Radiation

I couldn't tell you if all folks who go for radiation treatment's appointments look like mine but I thought I'd share what mine looks like.    I'm sure they vary depending on the cancer, the person, and the doctor.  I've learned that everyone's chemo treatments are different as well from the types of medicines they are given, the way it is administered, how often it's ministered, how long they are treated, and I'm sure there are even more variables than I am aware of because this is all so new to me.

I arrive at the radiation center every day Monday through Friday for my 7:45 appointment.  The waiting room is extremely clean and neat but doesn't have that "hospital smell."   The staff are friendly and greet me and everyone else that comes in like a friend when you sign in at the check-in on their very modern computerized check in screen.  You have a seat but never for long.  There are only a few other folks usually this early and they vary in their appearance.   You have the folks that are friendly, most are quiet and reserved, and a few appear very sad.   Some mornings very young children are wheeled in for their appointments.   You hear your name called over the loud speaker to come to the treatment area.   When you come to your first appointment, they assign you a specific room and that's the room you go to each time.  When I hear my name, I head to treatment room 4, the purple room, where I am greeted by 2 more friendly staff members.   Then I climb on the table and sit up on my knees,  pull my pants below my "cheeks", and lay forward on this specialized table that has a small hole for your belly to go into.   Then you must lay like dead weight while they shift you around until the small freckle sized tattoos they gave you the first day line up exactly.  The table moves up close to an amazing machine.   It has two arms on the sides that are square and a large round contraption on top.   When they all begin moving, it sounds at first like a space ship is landing and then goes into more of a low whirring noise.  You cannot help but be amazed at the technology as you watch it's precise movements and the massiveness of the machine.  When they've taken a few x-rays to be sure you are lined up on both sides, the machine zaps you on one side for a few seconds, the other side for a few seconds and then your back side for a few seconds.  During the process, you'll hear the technicians change some kind of plates between the zaps.  Then the table pulls out.   I immediately pull my pants up while I await for the table to still and lower.   They grab my chemo bag off my back and hand it to me after I get off the table.   We say our good byes and I head out the door.  The whole process takes around 15 minutes.  I've tried to get my husband to put good morning on my cheeks for when I have to moon the workers each morning and he just won't cooperate. I figured if they had to look at behinds all day that mine could at least be funny.   They died laughing when I told them how I wanted to surprise them.   I would've been the first.   I'm still working on the husband.  So all week I've showed my behind but I promise to try to behave this weekend.

Prayer requests:  my white blood cell counts are low, please pray they go up.

Praise reports:   I haven't had to prepare a meal since my first week of treatments.   My family has been totally spoiled.   We haven't had to stress about the multiple co-pays either due to the generous deposits to our emergency checking account.  I was able to share the Lord at my chemo appointment which I'll share in another post.  I also have only taken pain medicine to sleep one night this week and I haven't had to take the medicine for vomiting at all.   So except for the poison that is dripping in me 7 days a week and my insides getting daily fried, I'm doing pretty well.

Thanks to everyone for the amazing support and mostly for the prayers!

Path of What If's

A few days ago, my curly haired two year old boy came up to me very thoughtful.  He looked at the hose coming out of my port in my chest to my chemo bag and said, "Mom, me don't want you to die."   Trying not to be floored by his comment, I replied "Me either buddy.   Why don't we pray."   He sat in my lap and we prayed that the Lord would heal me.  He said amen, jumped off the couch and went on his merry way playing on the floor in front of the couch I was laying on.   I was floored because we never discussed with any of the children that I could die.   I couldn't even imagine how my two year old would have a concept of death.  When my children have asked specific questions, we gave honest specific answers.   When they asked could you die?   I said yes but it's 90% curable these days and our days are in His hands and I believe the Lord has many more days for me yet.   Otherwise, we're believing this is just a short, hard journey on the road we are on. 

The one thing I haven't done on this journey is go down the road of what if's.

*What if I die?
*What if my organs are damaged from the chemo or radiation?
*What if the bills get too high?
I've been down that "what if" trail before and all it does for me to produce fear and make me think I'm prepared with a default plan.   For example, my husband is late coming home from work
*What if he had an accident and died?   I then prepare mental steps of how I'll have to handle things.
*What if someone in the family loses a job?
*What if someone gets seriously ill?
*What if there is an affair?
*What if my children walk the wrong road in life?
*What if....what if....what if....You get the picture.   We can work up scenarios in our mind, get stressed about them, and they never happen.   I'm not saying don't be prepared in life.   Save money when you can.  Set goals.  Stock your pantry.  Have life insurance.  What I am saying, is I need to trust the Lord for my DAILY bread.   Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."   After my radiation appointment and a few errands this morning, today I concentrated on resting and getting well, spending time talking to my family, thanking the Lord for another day, and praying without ceasing.   When I think about the poison going in my body, pray the Lord will heal me quick and protect me from the dangers and let it go.   Going through this cancer has opened my eyes even more to the brevity of life and the folly of worry.  

I Peter 1:2-4 reminds us all flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls.  

Job 14:2 He springs up like a flower and withers away; like a fleeting shadow, he does not endure.  

Psalm 39:6 Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.  

Yet at the same time we must keep in mind:

Matthew 6:30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? and 

Matthew 6:27  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Again, I preach to myself that worrying about the what if's does NOTHING!   It cannot change that I have cancer.   It cannot do anything but cause stress.   Stress is not healthy so that does not assist me in any way.   However, I can cast all my cares upon Him and live each day to the fullest attempting to live that life of no regrets (although there will always be some).   

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

Behold that which I have seen: it is good and comely for one to eat and to drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labor that he taketh under the sun all the days of his life, which God giveth him: for it is his portion.  Every man also to whom God hath given riches and wealth, and hath given him power to eat thereof, and to take his portion, and to rejoice in his labor; this is the gift of God.  For he shall not much remember the days of his life; because God answereth him in the joy of his heart.

Oh, I'm Healthy Alright :)

One of the funniest comments I've received from a couple of different doctors at different times was when I've been told "You are really healthy, you know, except for the cancer."   Today was the beginning of week two of chemo and I was told that my iron is still too low but higher than last week.    My blood pressure was back to normal 110/60 instead of the higher for me 124/87.   It was the weight I couldn't believe.   Despite the sickness and lack of eating, I gained FOUR WHOPPING POUNDS!  Thanks for the prayers to be healthy guys but trust me my weight doesn't need to get any "healthier", . 

I'm still reading "When God Weeps" when I'm sitting at the oncologist's office.  It is a fantastic book on suffering that I didn't think I needed to read but am so glad that I decided to.  The following is a great paragraph from the chapter on "Heaven's Dirty Laundry."

"Eden's lost innocence opened sluice gates of sorrow beyond telling.  It will take heaven to dry it all up---to provide the total picture that will ease our hearts for ever.   

Why do we doubt?  At bottom, we're uncomfortable with these truths, because we're sinful.  By nature we all wish God were a few notches lower---a diety lofty enough to help in our trials but not so....uncomfortable."

Ouch!  This chapter told us how faith is hard and even in the Psalms it tells us how God hides.   Proverbs 25:2 says "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter."  "He plays his hand close to the vest; he never shows all his cards."   This is so true.   We want a BIG GOD but sometimes our finite minds want to totally understand an infinite, all-powerful God.    We think we know what's best and cannot believe He would allow anything different.   We make a God of our own imagination and don't get to know the God of the Bible.

This chapter ended with a quote from one of my favorite books "The Lion, the Witch, and The Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis.   If you don't know the story, the lion represents Jesus.

"Is---is he a man?" asked Lucy
"Aslan a man!   said Mr. Beaver sternly.   "Certainly not.   I tell you he is king of the wood and the son of the great Emporer -Beyond-the-Sea.   Don't you know who is the King of the Beasts?   Aslan is the lion---the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ohh!" said Susan.   "I thought he was a man.  Is he---quite safe?  I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.  
"Safe?" said Mr Beaver.  "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you?  Who said anything about safe?  'Course he isn't safe.  But He's good.  He's the King I tell you."

Don't you just love this picture of Christ!   Of course He's not predictable, safe, or tame.   We won't always understand His ways and know why things happen.  But we can trust and know that He's good.  Our God is good!

Okay I'm Done Being Sick!!

Well, I told my husband yesterday that I was done.   I've been sick long enough.   Laying around, having everybody else do so much for me, staying home 24/7 except for the daily doctor visits have had their time but that time is over.   Doing for others is something I enjoy.   Having folks do for me is nice but much harder.   I awoke today ready to be healed and better and found I felt the same.   Therefore, I decided I needed to see the positive in all this down time.

1)   Having time to read.
2)   Making things habits again that we got out of:  family Bible reading, memorization work, and bed times (well, almost on the last one)
3)   Time to sort through things to decide if they are keep, store for the next season, or good will.
4)   Kiddos are helping Dad do much needed home repairs because he is home more.

I believe I'm going to look back at this season and see all the blessings the Lord provided me with.  Although it's not easy feeling awful, I'll never forget all the love He has poured out on me and my family through family, friends and so many in the body of Christ that I haven't even met before.   Big God!   Little cancer.  

Day of Rest

Sing

O give thanks unto the LORD; call upon his name: make known his deeds among the people.

Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him: talk ye of all his wondrous works.
Glory ye in his holy name: let the heart of them rejoice that seek the LORD.
Seek the LORD, and his strength: seek his face evermore.
Remember his marvellous works that he hath done; his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth; 
(Psalm 105:1-5)

Remember

I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.  (Psalm 77:11)

Rest

O Christian men and women, you, also, miss much of your rest! You have too much of fretfulness, too much of care, too much that is servile. The land does not keep her Sabbaths as she should, neither does your soul rest as it might! And as for jubilees, how very scarce they are! If Christians lived near to God and enjoyed the peace which Jesus gives, they might keep Jubilee every year and Sabbath every day! The Lord grant that we may have power to enjoy His rest and that it may never be said of us, “They could not enter in because of unbelief.”  Brothers and Sisters, the Lord, as if to show us that He would have us rest, has been pleased to speak of resting, Himself! It is inconceivable that He should be fatigued! It were profanity to suppose that He who faints not, neither is weary, and of whose understanding there is no searching, can ever be in a condition to need rest! And yet He did rest, for when He had finished all the works of His hands in the six days of creation, the Lord, “rested on the seventh day and sanctified it.” When afterwards that rest was broken because His works were marred, we find Him further on smelling a
“sweet savor of rest” in the sacrifice which was offered unto Him by Noah, whose very name was rest.
These two facts are highly instructive and teach us that God rests in a perfect work and that when that work is marred the Lord rests in a perfect Sacrifice, even in the Lord Jesus Christ! He has a rest there and He speaks of our “entering His rest” as it is written, “they shall not enter into My rest.” There is a rest of God, then, and there remains a rest unto the people of God. And of that rest, not in its highest development in Heaven, but in its present enjoyment on earth, we are about to speak. “Rest in the Lord.” (Charles Spurgeon)

Preach to Yourself Some More

Spent most of last evening sick as a dog.    Got out of bed really, really late for me (like 10:00)!!  Ate a handful of chex cereal trying to decide if I was going to toss my cookies again or not.   My daughter Cindy, my grandchildren and my friend Cindy came by.   Three children went to play frisbee golf at Patriot's park while John Russell's friend (a.k.a. as another brother to the little guys) Phillip visited.  I ate baked ziti for lunch (thanks Jennifer) and then took a zofran quickly after in hopes I won't get ill today.   I'm super tired and have a gross taste in my mouth but NOT hugging a commode so life is good.

Blessings to be thankful today:  my husband has work, my children have been helpful, children, grandchildren, friends, family, warm fire to sit by while I type and play Words with Friends, and a faithful God.

What am I preaching to myself today?   The Spiritual Blessings in Ephesians

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.  In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight  making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.  In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.  In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

Amen and Amen!

Preach to Yourself!

I was pondering whether to keep this daily blog of our cancer story because it sounds like "me, me, me, it's all about me."   However, today I received encouraging e-mails and a phone call that it was helping other people with their family's walk with sickness.   Therefore, write I will.    I was excited that last night was my first night without taking pain medicine to sleep in months and that I haven't gotten sick from the chemo.   Today started out really well.   Although it was really cold and windy, it was a beautiful morning.  My husband and I went to get my radiation, grabbed a few things at Wal Mart that we needed at home, and I was done before he even paid.   Exhaustion hit and I went to the car.   By noon pain returned again and doggone it if I didn't start getting nauseous around 1 or 2:00 p.m.   Rested and played computer games in the bed with the hubby while older children finished up school, my oldest son and 2nd daughter painted the bathroom, and the others cleaned their rooms and then played wii.  At around 6 p.m., I began throwing up.   Now, although I have had plenty of experience throwing up because I did so with nine of my pregnancies, it's still awful.  There's no sugar coating vomiting whether it's cleaning up after your children or if it's you running to the commode yourself.   It's just terrible.    When life feels really stinky with things I'm facing, I always have a few choices.   First:   I can feel sorry for myself.   Throw myself a pity party.   I'm sure my family and close friends would join me for a bit but then everybody gets tired of it including the party thrower.   So, option number one will not work for me.    Secondly:   Become a martyr by not throwing a loud pity party but instead choose to feel sorry for myself in silence but tell everybody else it's not so bad while excusing myself to run to the bathroom carrying my chemo bag and puke.   Thirdly:  Preach to myself.   Preaching to myself I can be honest about how I feel but speak God's Word into the situation.  

Pastor Wade Trimmer (tridm.org) taught us well about preaching to ourselves (and others).  One example is when I'm feeling sorry for myself in any way I can go to the Word and remind myself that I am one of God's SPECIALS!   Because I have received Jesus as my Savior, I can remind myself that I am Sovereignly chosen, Positionally holy, Experientially changed, Completely accepted, Incredibly secure, Avowedly valuable, I've been Legally cleared, and even if I don't feel like it, I am being Securely managed.   When I'm not feeling so sick, I'll pull out my notes with all the scriptures to back these claims. 

One of the first e-mails I received was from Pastor Wade reminding me to preach to myself during this trial.  He wrote “Stop listening to all the temporal reports, especially what your own self is probably saying and start preaching to yourself.  No prattling, murmuring or mumbling speech is to be allowed. With the boldness of a convinced believer, take hold of yourself and preach! Proclaim good news, glad tidings of great joy. (By the way, this is not positive thinking or "word of faith" theology or magic. This is preaching the gospel of Christ to yourself.)"

Then he gave me some great specifics that I have preached to myself along the way that I will share from his letter below.  

  

Tell yourself that you are loved by God, that Christ has died in your stead, that the Holy Spirit lives in you, consecrating you to God and guaranteeing your salvation. Tell yourself that you will celebrate all that Father God’s precious Son is: who He is to you, and for you, over you, and within you, through you, and before and upon you. Before all Heaven proclaim: Christ is supreme, sovereign, superior, sufficient and totally satisfying – and He is mine and I am His!

Inform yourself that Jesus is your defense attorney, that he pleads his blood in response to every charge brought against you. Tell your sickness that not only do you have a defense attorney, but Jesus is your Great Physician and because of that its days are numbered.  And even if it should—God forbid—last till your dying breath, it will thus be vanquished for all eternity while you escape to perfect health and everlasting joy. Thumb your nose at it and declare it won't win. Christ won, so Christ will. You will outlast your sickness, because Christ, who is your life, is in you as the hope of glory, and He will outlast it. Tell yourself that you may be in a deep pit, but Christ is deeper still!

Then Pray:  Father, I come boldly before Your throne of grace to obtain help and strength for healing in my body. Father, You said that You desire above all things that we would prosper and be in good health. You instructed us not to forget the benefits, which You have given us as children of God. For You said that You would forgive us of our sins and iniquities, and You would heal us of all our sickness and diseases (Ps 103:3-5). Therefore, as a child of the Most High God, I receive the blessings and benefits of my healing.

 

Father, You warned us that the righteous would have many afflictions, but You promised to deliver us from them all (Ps 34:9). So Father, I thank You for delivering me from this physical affliction.

Father, I thank You that You have given us authority to speak to our circumstances. Therefore, by the authority of the name of my Lord Jesus Christ, I speak unto my mountain, which is this sickness, and I command it to be removed, uprooted, and cast into the sea. And even as Jesus spoke to the fig tree and told it to die, and it died, I speak to this sickness, and I command it to die at the very root, and not to spring up again.

By the authority of the name of Jesus Christ, I command every cell, every molecule, every organ, and every part of my body to operate and perform the way that God made them to perform. I reverse the curse of sickness, and I receive the blessing of healing in my body.

Father, Your word tells us that You are the God that heals us of all of our sickness and diseases. You said that You would take sickness and disease away from us, and You promised to fulfill the number of our days, which is seventy years, and then some. I thank You Father, for taking away this infirmity from my body. And even as You have begun a good work in my life, I am confident that You will perform and complete it; for Your word tells us that with long life You will satisfy us and show us the salvation of the Lord. So I thank You Father, for healing me of this sickness, and also for blessing me with a long and healthy life.

Father, I thank You that my prayers avail much in victory. For You said, “...the effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” Father, as I have prayed this prayer, I thank You that Your word shall not return unto You void, but it will accomplish that which You send it to perform. I therefore, release my faith by the word of God which I have prayed. And again I confess, that “WITH THE STRIPES OF JESUS CHRIST, I AM HEALED!”  In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray and receive my healing, AMEN.

I can't help get so excited about the Lord and who He is after I've preached to myself.  Even though I'm tired, I'm hurting, and I feel I could throw up again within this very hour, my spirit is full of His peace and joy.   What battle are you fighting today?   What struggles are you facing?  God's Holy Word has answers for you and I hope that you will search it like you would search for a guaranteed great treasure.   Find out what God says about those struggles, those battles, about you, about Him, and preach to yourself the good news of Jesus!!

Good night!

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