Started this new year 2018, as a newly widowed home schooling mama that's juggling work, selling a house, home schooling, being a mom (you know=chef, chauffeur, shopper, boo boo kisser, launderer, chief bottle washer & so much more) has been surreal. Most days I'm just trying to accomplish all that needs to be done, and try not to think about who I am missing horribly. However, there are always reminders of who is missing. When I'm backing up a camper, I can hear him telling me I'm not doing it right. When I’m painting in his shop, I can hear him reminding me not to ruin his good paint brushes. When I'm trying to figure out if I should paint cabinets in the house to sell, I want him to make the decision because he would have known what to do. Little things like wondering if my hair looks alright, he would have been honest and kind. When the kiddos have been sick, he had always cleaned up the yuck. Even when the cat killed a mouse, I was reminded that I never had to do the "yucky jobs" if he was around. He took care of me, and he did it well.
I never considered growing old alone. We had lots of plans for when the kiddos were grown. Of course, most still included them because we hated having fun without them. We loved including them in all our adventures.
I believe things are getting back to somewhat of a normal routine (whatever normal is). Praying the other night, I prayed the same prayer I've prayed with all my littles from a picture that my grandma stitched up for me as a child with my added requests which goes as follows:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
If I should live for other days
I pray the Lord to guide my ways
God bless Daddy, Cindy, John Russell, Nicholas, Timothy, Praise, Michael, Emily, Christopher, Rylie, Jackson, Brandon, Lindsey, and Olivia.
I got stuck when I got to Daddy, and had to will myself to pray on with Christopher. It's those reminders that are in the routine of life all around me that can get me even in the good days.
People have surrounded us with their love, but everyone has got on with their lives as they should. The dust has cleared; this new normal is forming in our home. And it’s getting to the really real realization that he’s not coming home. He’s not just on a trip. It’s really not just all a terribly, horrid nightmare. He’s gone, and I’m alone. But God. I’m not sure how anyone goes through something like this without knowing the Lord Jesus as their Savior. When I’ve been tempted to stay sad, He has sent me reminders through my children, through the mail yesterday (you know who you are that has sent me a card faithfully every month even if I don’t), through texts, through a meal from a faithful Tuesday meal giver, and especially through His word. He hasn’t left me. When I’m tempted to be full of fear that when my children are all flown from the nest to build their own lives and when I will be alone for the first time in my entire life, He reminds me that I’m never alone. When I’m tempted to be full of fear that I’m unsure of tomorrow, He reminds me that He is. When I’m tempted to feel like a failure as a parent due to the health issues Rusty and I have faced over the past 6 years, He reminds me He knew what we would go through when He blessed us with all these wonderful children. He is good y’all!
Thanks for all the prayers and support to all who have blessed our family this past year. We are so very grateful. My life hasn’t been anything like I imagined. My heart can be very heavy some days, yet I haven’t lost Hope. I’ve no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I’m so glad to know the One who does.