I'll say up front in this blog, I'm not a good griever. I have many days with sad moments, but not many consecutively sad days. I often wonder if it's because I was so thankful to get many months instead of a few months to spend intentionally together. We departed with no regrets, no hanging questions, no bitterness, and with plenty of hope for a better tomorrow when we both meet again in heaven. Perhaps it is because I was so thankful when the children and I prayed over Rusty that the Lord mercifully answered our prayer to bring him home quickly if he wasn't going to be healed. Don't get me wrong, I miss Rusty terribly.
You cannot be with somebody for most of your life, and not miss doing life together. Things I miss: cooking breakfast and/or dinner together for the family on days we could, planning family birthdays and holidays were so much fun, sitting together at night and just enjoying togetherness, going on trips to the mountains (Kathy & Chuck's) or to the beach (Suzanne & Colston's), playing cards and games with each other and the kiddos, sending & receiving I love you texts throughout every day when we weren't together, playing pranks on one another, and most of all laughing a lot! Our family loves to laugh. I was reminded of this at dinner last night with my children and daughters-in-love that were able to come to our Thursday Mexican night. We tell stories old and new, and we laugh.
When things go wrong or decisions need to be made, Rusty is also very missed. We talked over everything, and I didn't have to worry about what to do with a vehicle. He just handled it, and I could keep taking care of things I handle in the day. Of course, I did the same for him with errands, and financial decisions. We both juggled work with children together. If I was to teach at church or work and a kiddo was sick, no worry. He'd stay at home with them. If the kiddos had appointments, he didn't need to take off, I'd handle it. We were an excellent team.
We weren't perfect. We had our struggles. We had some tough years. But we really loved each other, and loved having a family together. We loved our children and grandchildren. My heart still hurts a bit at weddings when I see the father daughter dance that some of my girls will miss. My heart sometimes hurts watching cute older couples together thinking that's what we thought our life would look like one day. We thought the kiddos would grow up, and we would grow old together. My heart hurts knowing our children miss their Daddy, and that Christopher and Emily won't have nearly the memories the other children have of him.
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| We were even silly and playing games on chemo days |
On this day, the one year anniversary of Rusty's entrance to heaven, I want my children to know I'll never forget their Daddy. I want them to know I'm so proud that sorrow hasn't sent them into abuse of alcohol or drugs to numb their hurt. I want them to know they can still trust in the Lord to see them through, and He hasn't forgotten us. I'm glad they can see His hand in providing for the family this past year. He's also provided big things like Hope in the midst of sorrow. It's that Hope that fills my heart to overflowing and that keeps me from grieving continually. It's not judgment on anyone who grieves differently. We are all different. All I can speak from is the experience in our family. My heart has been filled with joy to see children, adult and young, have Hope for tomorrow. They still make plans with their family, the ones who regularly go to church still go to church, they all still work and play, they all still choose to live life fully (not just go through the motions of daily life to just survive another day). Even if a part of our heart has died, we choose to live. Hope that we will be together again rejoicing with our King makes a huge difference in how we have handled our grief. It's not that Rusty is gone forever, but only until....
So Rusty, until we meet again, you are deeply loved and missed. We will always have a hurt in our hearts for what we miss about you, and wishing grandchildren to come could have known you (Papa Rusty), your humor, work ethic, and crabby ways. Until then, we will continue to bring you up in conversations so that you are not forgotten, and we can share a tear or a laugh over times past. Thanks for loving us all so well. Love you forever, 'Chelle
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