Waiting on the Lord

"Light shines in the darkness 

for the godly.

 They are generous, 

compassionate, and righteous..

..They do not fear 

bad news; they confidently trust 

the LORD to care for them." 

—Psalm 112:4,7

 

I Am God's Favorite

I  enjoy telling my children that I am God's favorite . When an unexpected blessing comes our way, I smile and tell them "See, I told you.  I'm God's favorite."   When a beautiful bird lights upon our kitchen window bird feeder and sings, when an amazing sky blue pink sunset fills the sky, or when a meteor zips across the sky on a star filled night, I smile at them and tell them "yep, that's for me."   When true miracles have come our way, I truly felt the Lord's smile upon us.

How do my children feel now that I have cancer.  I have done the chemotherapy and radiation.  I have had surgery.  I still have stinking, active live cells.  Will they think the Lord gave up on me or turned His back towards me?   Do they wonder if the Lord is punishing me?  Will they think if this is how God treats His favorites, what hope do they have?   I am not sure how the eight of them will wrestle out their questions?   I pray their faith will be strengthened through this trial.   How could I possibly feel like a favored chosen one and not a victim to this hideous, sneaky disease?  It's hard to articulate in words but I still believe that despite my circumstances I am a highly favored daughter of the King.   Romans 8:38-39 says: 

   For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, 

nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, 

which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

With certainty, I believe this is true.  The Lord has surrounded me with His love while my body has struggled in pain.  He has sent encouraging notes, texts, and messages through His body (the church) when my mind, body, and spirit was too tired to remember.   He has sent over 100 meals since I was diagnosed the week of Christmas.   He has sent monies to help with our bills and doing so made provision for what we needed.   Though my physical future is uncertain, my spiritual future is secure in Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of the Father who has gone to prepare a heavenly home for me.   When fear has threatened to assail me, I've only to turn my heart to a faithful, heavenly Father who gives me peace in the storm and the faith to trust His heart when I can't understand his ways.  I choose to sing with the hymnast Horatio Spafford.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

Refrain: It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

I choose to say with Paul in Philippians 3:7-10 that "But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death."  I have gained more intimacy with Him, because my life has been forced to slow and sometimes stand still.   I desire the power of His resurrection in order to operate in the anointing by sharing His life and joy to all I meet.   I honestly NEVER desired to share in His sufferings, I am weak.   But, In Christ, I have found just as He beared the attacks and sufferings Himself, He enables me to stand strong when my eyes stay upon Him and not upon my circumstances, my pain, or even me, me, me in general.   So today we are catching up on some school, going on a picnic at the park, and cleaning the house.   And every blessing and reminder in nature that comes our way I will look at my children and grandchildren with a smile and say "yep, I am God's favorite and they are too."  

  

Chemo Postponed

Planned on spending four hours in chemo today.    Went to appointment and the Dr. basically reviewed the same information as last time about what was going to happen this time.   He warned me of the side effects I should watch for while on these lovely poisons.    My Aunt & I acted surprised because I was supposed to begin the treatments today, but I couldn't bring myself to insist on starting even if it cost me the $50 copay.    Then we went to my surgeon to see if he could help me out with some skin issues I am having due to the ostomy.    When our appointment was completed, he asked when I was scheduled next and I told him next Thursday.   He said I could hold off for another month and I nearly began dancing in his office because the next appointment included him taking a peek in the "EXIT ONLY" area.  In fact, when I made the appointment I told the office secretary that I couldn't believe I was asking for another appointment where I would feel violated and that I was even more bothered that I knew she'd ask me to pay for it when it was over.   We laughed.  

My aunt then took me shopping for some needs the children have in the shoe and clothing department.  Then she spoiled me and got me some comfortable pajamas for when the fun begins in a few weeks.    We had a great afternoon together and the children were so thankful for the items they received.   I've been amazed at how the Lord has met our needs even without us asking.   We had someone show up at our door today with laundry detergent and a dryer ball.  When I think about the many needs we have, I can get overwhelmed.   However, when I focus on what the Lord says in Matthew 6:34:  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" I can take a deep breath and truly just rest in Him for today.   Such a great reminder no matter what we are facing in life.  I'm closing today with thankfulness to the Lord for His goodness, His provision, and His healing touch in my life.    Thanking Him for using me to touch others for Him.   May His light shine.

First Ever Raffle

I have three "True Grit" books by Deborah Meroff that I'd love to give away.   I have fun trying to win raffles so I thought I'd have one of my own.   This is a great book of true stories about women taking on the world, for God's sake.  

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Who Signs Up For This?

   Pondering the past year, I realized I'm now a part of those people who have or have had cancer.   Nobody would volunteer to be in this group.  I never even imagined it a year ago.   And I surely didn't sign up for the joys of  those having an ostomy.   

   Then again I didn't want to be in the class of women who know the heartbreak of miscarriages either.   Five babies gone too early and one little girl at nearly 20 weeks gestation.   I'm absolutely positive my pastor's family nor my sister-in-law ever dreamed they'd be in the group of folks who have experienced the loss of a child.    Whatever hurt or hardships you've experienced, I'm sure you wouldn't have signed up for it.   You feel compassion, concern, and grieve with those who experience various trials in this life, but you sure don't want to join them so you can empathize with them.  

  But troubles come....

In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; 

I have overcome the world.  John 16:33

And we cannot walk around in fear with the "what if's" of life believing we have some kind of control to prepare us.   Fear robs your life of joy and peace.

For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; 

but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, 

whereby we cry, Abba, Father.   Romans 8:15

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from 

ALL my fears.   Psalm 34:4

  
     There is great opportunity in the trials of this life.   Will we choose to grow bitter, stuck forever in the asking of "why", or will we choose to cling to Christ and trust Him?   Many people say they can't wait to get to heaven to get all their questions answered.   I'm not sure just because we get to heaven the Lord of Lords is required to give us any answers.  My heart even trembles now thinking that I would consider that He owes me, a pitiful sinner saved alone by His great grace and mercy, any explanations!  I also think that we are going to be so overwhelmed by His great mercy, love, and splendor that we are not going to care one iota about our trials.   Are we going to choose to get bitter or better?   Not necessarily will our situation improve, but will we allow the Holy Spirit to make us better by allowing Him to heal our brokenness?   Will we allow Him, our Healer, to work through cracked pots such as ourselves in order that His light may shine forth?  Does this mean that everything turns out well?   Absolutely not.   I still pray I have a long life ahead of me.  I choose to continue to hope, plan, dream, and live accordingly.   I want to live!   But if I don't, I want to choose to live my last days as happy and joyous as possible.   Why would my children want to cling to Christ if they see me moping about, worrying, stressing everyday about tomorrow?   I want them to see Hope through me.    

To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory 
of this mystery among the Gentiles;

which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.   I Col 1:27

  I am not saying there may not be times of sadness or sorrow.    What I am saying is we don't dwell there forever.   What "group" have you become a part of in this fallen world that you never would have signed up for?   Divorced?   Widowed?   Child with special needs or illness?  Natural catastrophe?   Infertility?  Financial loss or ruin?   Infidelity?   Wayward children?    You know what situation or situations it may be for you.   When you first experience this trouble, you don't even care that this gives you opportunities now to help others.   But later, you hopefully do.   You are now on a mission field not of your own choosing.   How will you represent Christ to the world that is watching?    I promise you that the world is watching.   For me, I choose to tell of Christ's great love and mercy towards my family and I while walking this difficulty.   I choose to allow His love be on display wherever I go.   Today while buying ostomy supplies for the first time I had an opportunity to moan about what an awful lot in life I've now been given.   However, I decided to tell the sales person about how great a God I serve despite the road He has me traveling.   Will it always be easy?   Nope...next week I start back on a more difficult chemo treatment than before while continuing to balance the life of a large family, home schooling, trying to get my skin healed up around my ostomy that continues to break down, hoping to make this a great summer for my family despite me, and totally trusting the Lord for our finances since I'm no longer a source of income for our family.    It will always be a daily choice.   Will I choose to cling to Christ and His peace in this trial or will I choose to live in fear and despair?   I choose Christ.   I don't do this because I am more spiritual or holier than anyone else.   I do this because I have no choice.  I agree with Peter in John 6:68, where else would I turn?  Jesus Christ alone has the words of eternal life.   Whatever assignment you've been given, I pray you choose to seek Christ and find that He is more than enough to meet your every need.   Then I pray you will look for opportunities to share the Truth that you have found with a lost and dying world that is right outside your front door.  

 I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, 

that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: 

therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:  

That thou mayest love the Lord thy God, 

and that thou mayest obey his voice, 

and that thou mayest cleave unto him: 

for he is thy life, and the length of thy days.   

Deuteronomy 30:19-20a

Latest News from the Doctor

4 LITTLE MONKEYS HANGING FROM A TREE

Met with the surgeon this week and I will see him in two weeks to see how I am healing.    I told the receptionist I couldn't believe I was making an appointment to be violated and that she would probably even have the nerve to charge me for it.   Unbelievable!!   She said, "oh it's probably not ... well, I don't know, maybe it is that bad."   I assured her it was.

Today was the oncologist.   Looks like a busy, not too exciting, summer ahead.  My chemo begins again on  May 21st.   It's very different from last time.   I will spend 4 hours in the chair.    At first I will receive calcium, magnesium, and nausea medication.  The next chemo medicine is Oxaliplation.    This medicine can cause nerve problems and I may be very sensitive to cold, including drinks, a/c too high, etc.    Have a feeling it won't be hard to keep warm this summer in GA!   I'll also receive Leucovorin.    This helps decrease the toxic effects of the chemo drugs on my bone marrow.  Finally, I'll also receive the Fluorouracil that I got last time while in the chair and also take the bag home for 2 days.   I'll need to stay out of sunlight and will again have nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, tiredness, fatigue and chance of hair loss.  

My schedule will look something like this:   Spend Monday at chemo, go back Wednesday to get bag removed.   Come back in two Monday's to repeat for a total of 8 treatments.   So, I'll be dealing with 16 weeks of "stuff".  Then once I recover from chemo and radiation, I should have my ostomy reversed in October.    I'll also have some scheduled scans to check on the cancer. When this is over, I'll have scans every 6 months for three years.    If everything shows up good in those three years, my chances are excellent of not getting this cancer again.  I'll get yearly checks for two years after that and then considered cancer free again :D.

My blood tests today showed my white blood count is still low, my hematocrit level is low, lymphocytes are low (which put me at a greater risk for infection).   My pulse and RDW levels are high.    To help my body, I'm going back on my prenatal vitamins with iron tomorrow.   I'm also going to take extra B12 (which may be what I need to get my RDW in the right range).   I am going to work back up to at least 30 minutes a day of walking and back to decaf tea to see if I can get my pulse back into the normal range.   Looks like I'll be on a bit of "restriction" until I get my levels up high enough to be around people without getting sick.  

We are so thankful for all the support we have found through family, family of Jesus, and friends.   The way the Lord has met so many needs has been nothing short of amazing.   Despite our income being reduced two months before this discovery, we have paid our monthly bills including lots of doctor appointment copays, wisdom teeth removed on our oldest son, glasses for a younger son, repairs and replacements for needed appliances, and so much more.   Prayer requests:

• not be ill
• miraculous healing or more grace to get through it again
• surgery to have been effective and my body to heal right from the surgery
• my skin to do better with ostomy....has a hard time with the sticky stuff that keeps things on and with recovering from home health nurse damage from cutting my cover too large and exposing too much skin to "poop"
• One of the side effects of the chemo medicine is to develop Leukemia later...pray against that.
• Grace and strength for  my husband and children.    
• To feel well the day of the Golf tournament they are putting on for our family (6/9)
• Rusty enough side work to replace air conditioner this summer so we can keep our power bill down.  We are using room units now because it died last summer.  
• We've had to replace dryer, refrigerator, lawn mower, weed eater, element in year old stove, tires, car parts, and more since I've been diagnosed.   The enemy sure has been at work to discourage us so pray we won't have anything else unexpected to break down.
• Children to finish school well this summer and to sell enough books to buy the few needed things we need for next school year.  
• Cindy to finish nursing school well despite her sick mama....she will graduate in December, woo hoo!
• John Russell to get more hours or a better job while he studies for his Personal Training exam.
• Nicholas & Timothy to get enough side work (yard jobs, building swords, bird houses, whatever needed) this summer to play football next season.
• Praise & Michael would like to earn money for soccer next year.   They are great organizes, house cleaners, and babysitters.
• To glorify the Lord Jesus through it all.   

The Trouble duo found frosting.....and we found them :D

Wandering Thoughts on Health & Control

Although I don't feel I made health an idol, I did somehow believe my chances of getting cancer were pretty low due to my healthy choices (salads or vegetable soups daily, whole grain home made breads from grains I ground myself, as much organic food choices as we could afford, juicing, nursing babies for over 14 years, etc.)   To say I was shocked to find out I had colon cancer, would be an understatement.   It also has me pondering how  much control do I really have over my health?   My conclusion:   not as much as I'd like.   Don't get me wrong that doesn't mean I'm now going to junk out, start smoking, and become a couch potato.   But, it does mean I'm even more thankful for every day the Lord gives me....that HE  CHOOSES to give me.

“O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; 

let me know how fleeting I am!  Psalm 39:4

I still believe I'll strive to make the best choices as possible because my body is not my own.   I'll still make as much food from scratch as possible because it saves money and doesn't have ingredients I don't know how to even pronounce in the meal.  I'll buy local and organic when I can but will not feel like a failure mom when I cannot.   

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?  For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.   I Cor 6:19-20

I'm still praying for a long life here to see my children grow and to invest in the generations.   However, I won't ever believe "I beat" cancer or that "I was stronger."   This disease has shown me how helpless I am.  Ultimately, it's in God's hands.    BUT I do believe we serve a God that still chooses to heal and until He tells me no, I'm praying for complete healing and health in Jesus name.   

It has also caused me to reflect more on how I spend my time.   I hope that my children remember me in His Word, preaching the good news, praising His name more than worrying about food.    You could go crazy trying to figure out the healthiest way too eat:   vegetarian, organic grass fed meat only, butter, no butter, olive oil, no oils, raw milk, no milk, and on and on and on and on.   

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:31-34

It's a matter of the heart.   As a mom, I do plan meals and try to purchase wisely with the resources God gives us.   It's a part of my job description that I truly enjoy.   The past four months we have been given lots of meals.   Do you think I was going to see if they measured up to certain standards?  No way.   We have been so thankful for the way the Lord has provided for us while I have been under the weather.  

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.   Colossians 3:15-17

  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  James 1:17

What's next on this cancer journey?     Went to surgeon visit today and he seemed a little concerned that I have pain where the cancer was but he thinks it's probably due to all his dissection a few weeks ago in my body.   Friday I see the oncologist and find out when chemo begins again and for how long.   Nobody mentioned another round of radiation so hoping that is nowhere in my future.   Pain is lessening each day but will be glad when it's gone.   Went off the big pain meds yesterday and going to try to control with motrin.   Hopefully, that will be short lived as well.   Thanks again for all the prayers and show of love to our family during this trial.  

My New Ring Tone

I've had my older kiddos roll their eyes and my younger guys laugh the past week and a half when they heard their Daddy call my phone.   My phone says who is calling when you call me.   Before I changed it, when my husband called you would hear  a mechanical sounding woman's voice say "call from baby's daddy, call from baby's daddy".   Well, we had received plenty of giggles over that.  Not exactly what you expect from a 45 year old white girl with 8 kiddos all from the same daddy.   He has earned a new name on my phone.   If you call me now, you'd hear "call from my hero prince charming, call from my hero prince charming."   He has always taken great care of me, but having to take care of me after this last surgery along with helping me adapt to an ostomy bag.   (Translation....he really had to deal with my crap!)   He slept on the couch for the past week and a half that I've been home to take care of me because I couldn't sleep in the bed.  In fact, I've slept in the chair that he bought me the day I got home because I hurt too bad to lay flat.   Last night was my first night in the bed.   Still not easy but getting better.   I'm so thankful to the Lord for this wonderful husband.   We've been together since 1982.   We've seen really good times, and really hard times.   We've been blessed to birth eight beautiful babies.   We've cried together over five babies who didn't make it.   He's taken care of me when I've been too sick to function while pregnant or from chemo and radiation.   He truly is a blessing to me and our children.   Thanking the Lord tonight for my hero, prince charming, Rusty.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, 

and gave Himself for it;" 

Ephesians 5:25

  

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

I Peter 3:7

Stinkystomaphobia

That is the name I've given to my condition that I will require home health care for until my ostomy is reversed in October.   I was advised that as soon as I can drive they will no longer need to come.   I told them I won't drive until October.   I was serious.   I didn't see that I'd ever get use to this new attachment to my body.  However, I have found that I'm able to deal with my bag without gagging these days.   Vick's vapor rub for my nose was a wonderful idea from a friend.   I haven't even needed it in the last few days.   I also am less disgusted each day and have settled in more to this is how life is.   Thanks to answered prayer I am now able to sleep through the night and tonight I'm going to try not to sleep in the chair but in the bed for the first night since surgery.  

What has the Lord been teaching me these days?   

• That in all things He is good.   IN ALL THINGS!   
• That he has blessed me with the best of husbands that has served me over and abundantly well in these hard times.   
• That the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me....even when I was too tired to read His Word, too tired to Praise His name, too weak to thank Him.

Home at Last

Warning:   If you are weak of stomach, you may want to pass on this post.  If you are offended by honest confessions of weakness and doubt, pass again.   However, if you are up to a good laugh at someone else's expense (mine), read on.

It's been a loong week.   Last week at this time I was eating my presurgery bland diet.    Tuesday, I began the liquid diet with the gagging, cleansing cocktail that was in the largest jug I've ever seen.   It was rough going.  I had a great visit with my Dad.   Our children, excepting the oldest son and married daughter (of course), all got to my sister's to settle in for the week.  My husband had just hunted down a dryer since another appliance died since our cancer journey began and was getting everything in order for our week.   The next morning, Wednesday, we had to be at the hospital between 5 and 5:30 and I got into the elevator at 5:29.   Everything went pretty quick after that.   They "cleaned me out" more!   I got gowns on, talked to the ileostomy folks who marked me for my stoma, talked to doctor and anesthesiologist.   Don't remember a thing after they asked if I was ready.   Honestly, don't remember much about Wednesday at all except thinking I was in so much pain that I needed a bedpan fast!!   I was arguing with the nurse that I really needed one, although I had a catheter and an ileostomy.    My eldest daughter was translating for me because I was talking crazy under anesthesia drugs and I guess I was too insistent.  I woke up stuck to a bedpan!   Wednesday was a blur of sleep and pain.   Thursday I was more coherent and couldn't figure out why I had i.v.'s when I had a port and was trying hard not to think about my ileostomy.    Meanwhile, my sister was managing all the kiddos including home schooling them.   My mother was helping out between me and the kiddos.   (She'll need a vacation soon).   My daughter, although balancing nursing school, husband, and two kiddos, came everyday to the hospital.   My eldest son held down the home front while working his part-time job and visiting afterwards.   (In fact their last visit together which also included my son-in-law, my son's girlfriend, and a family friend, I discovered laughter is not good medicine if it takes you hours for your stomach to quit hurting so you can sleep.  Although, it was still good for my heart.)  However, nobody will need a vacation more than my husband.   He has been truly a dream through the "for worst" part of our vows.   Friday, Saturday, and Sunday is a blur of dealing with crazy amounts of pain (especially after they took the magic morphine button away from me), dealing with nausea, eating a liquid diet although I had no appetite, and ignoring the ostomy.   In fact, I decided until I had to learn to go home, I was not dealing with it at all.  But by Sunday the nurse decided I had to learn how to empty my bag.   I was not happy!  My thinking was this is what they get paid for and I have to deal with it the rest of the 6 months, let me stay in denial.  I didn't prepare myself before surgery for the bag like I would everything else in life because I really hoped they would change their mind or I wouldn't need it.   I decided my nurse was lazy (and this one was although the rest were great) and quit even calling her when I needed help which led to a big disaster.   Rusty had to help me when nurse's didn't because 'stuff' had to be measured to keep up with the output.   I'm not sure why I didn't call him right away this time to the restroom, which is good for him because the end slipped out of my hand and liquid poop went everywhere.   I was so emotional about this whole deal that I looked up at Rusty (he was at the door) and instead of breaking down crying like I felt like doing, I smiled weakly and said, "sh*t happens?"    Now my children reading this will be in shock, because this is definitely not in our family's vocabulary and it's not anything I struggle with so please don't send me notes of how terrible profanity is and that Christian's shouldn't ever use it.     Because I agree and teach this even to my family, but it was a weak moment that needed serious humor.   It delivered because it's so out of character for me and my hubby just laughed.    And we needed to laugh.   

Before I could go home, I have to pass ostomy training.  My nurse was very sweet.   She let me know that in ileostomy world my stoma was beautiful.  I let her know in the real world it was disgusting!   She told me all kinds of details and even the what if things that could go wrong.   No lie...I started getting a fever, my 110/60 bp went up to 151/95.   I advised her I don't do bad smells.  She advised me it's no worse than baby poop because it's coming out the small intestine.  I let her know that I'm the mom that struggled changing poopy diapers and I have 8 children.   She said it really isn't too terrible once I accept the mental.   I let her know that I'm not sure how anybody eats on the toilet.   (When you eat anything with an ostomy, you get to hear disgusting output noises while you are eating!)   At this point, I told my mom to please feel free to leave because I doubt I could even do this for her (did I mention I think they removed my filter along with 18" of my colon).   I somehow passed training but she did sign me up for two weeks of home health care.  (When did I get so old?)

Well, this is a long post but that's the story.  

Apologies to everybody to whom my missing filter may have caused hurt feelings:
*the folks drawing blood that I told them to go away they got no more chances because I have a port they could access. 
*to my husband who advised me my diamond fell out of my ring at some point while I was in surgery.   When he let me know that everybody felt it must have been loose to have fallen out and I responded if that makes you feel better and helps you sleep at night, okay.   (i yi yi)
*to my mom, I will really help you out if you have an ostomy one day (with help from the Lord!). 
*to my eldest son, whom I found out I gave a serious guilt trip to when I was on morphine.
*to anyone else I may  have missed.....apologies.   I was on drugs if that gives me a pass.

Prayers:   to sleep at night more than one-two hours at a time due to discomfort and pain, nausea to go away, fevers to stay away, to mentally adjust to life with an ostomy.

It's All Perspective

The past six months have contained lots of trials and troubles.   I wonder when the Word speaks of Satan walking like a roaring lion seeking whom he may destroy if one of his weapons is discouragement.    Since October:  I was laid off, my cancer was discovered, our roof replaced, our refrigerator had to be replaced....TWICE, house fire from fireworks, children with flu like colds, house taxes due, vehicle tags due, car problems to repair, both lawn mowers and weed eater not working (one lawnmower and weed eater also less than 2 weeks old), two water leaks in yard that had to be found and repaired, dryer died, all of this amidst nearly six weeks of chemo and radiation and homeschooling!    This past Friday, my son was helping by making pumpkin chocolate chip muffins to take on our beach trip, and our oven caught on fire (electrical) and died.   My first reaction was REALLY??   REALLY??   One more thing!   This oven isn't even two years old.  

As we await our tax money to come in to purchase a new stove, dryer and lawn equipment (if my husband cannot repair the stove or lawn equipment), I decided I'd remember this year a different way.   I get more time at home for school and family, was healed from cancer, got a new roof, got a new refrigerator, made repairs on the house, children were healed from awful colds and I didn't get the bug even with a compromised immune system, taxes were paid, tags were purchased, car problems repaired, lawn equipment repaired or purchased, leaks repaired, dryer purchased, and I made it through chemo and radiation pretty doggone well.  It will be like a new me and a new home.   The new me won't be just physical, but definitely mental and spiritual as well.  I refuse to let Satan rob me of my joy, to miss seeing the provisions of God for each trial presented, and to walk in defeat when I am a child of the King.   Therefore, I will hold my head up high even if it's in the middle of a stinky situation, lift my hands and Praise Jesus for He truly has provided all I need every moment in every circumstance.

Great Report from the Doctor

Today I went for my preop appointment with the surgeon.   Boy was that a long ordeal!  Computers were being changed over so had to update all the paperwork for the new system.   Then I had the consultation with the doctor.   I won't go into the next part but let's just say that insurance doesn't cover cat scans before surgery because they are going to open you up anyway to see what's going on.  However, the doctor still wants to see how the tumor responded to chemo and radiation.   After the total violation of the "EXIT ONLY" area, I did get a great report for which I am so thankful to the Lord for.   He reminded me that when he checked the tumor last time that it was HUGE.   (He didn't say big or large, but HUGE!)  As far as he can tell now, it's either gone or very small.    Happy dance.   Happy dance.   I sometimes wish I didn't mind being ignorant, instead I then wanted him to tell me exactly EVERYTHING about the procedure I am having on April 11th.  He drew pictures for me on the paper on the table and showed me where the tumor was, what was radiated, how he will unattach a lot of my colon, where he will cut and reattach.   The surgery is 4 hours long and then I will spend one hour in recovery.   I will be in the hospital 4-7 days.  I will wear a bag for 10-12 weeks after surgery.   If they see more cancer during surgery, I will get chemo again.   After the 10-12 weeks is up, they will reattach me so I don't have to wear a bag.   Was also told that I have just been sped through via radiation and chemo menopause.   I was robbed of weight loss but hey, no hot flashes or emotional ups and downs.   I'll take that.  Then I asked about all the what could go wrong questions.   What was I thinking??   At the end, he asked if I had any more concerns/questions and I was able to testify that although this hasn't been easy that the Lord has been so good to me and my family.    That I have probably cooked 3 meals this year because the rest has been provided by family, friends, or the body of Christ.   He was amazed and asked where in the world do I go to church!   I told him it wasn't just Kiokee that provided, but the home school community, Grace Fellowship folks where we used to worship, and even strangers in the body of Christ who read my blog and felt like helping out.   (I know.  I know.  We don't take candy from strangers but entire meals.)   I was able to testify of the goodness of the Lord during the past three months.   Honestly, I doubt my family and I will remember the toilet hugging, the tiredness, the pains, etc but will never forget the goodness of God in His provisions during the past 3 months from food to finances, encouraging notes, kind phone messages left when I was too tired to answer, transportation for children, and so much more.

When I was laying on the table at the doctors getting examined, honestly, I began crying.   The pain was awful.   The humiliation was worse.  Then I reminded myself, preached again to myself, what was I going to focus on?   Because my thought at the time was this, am I going to be subjected to this for the rest of my life for this old man's disease that I got?   Is this going to be part of a yearly routine?   Then I put into perspective that if the Lord sees fit for me to live a long life and part of my routine is thirty humiliating minutes out of the 8,760 hours I get a year, am I really going to complain?   Really?  Then I prayed.   And the Lord mercifully poured out His peace and reminded me of Psalm 23.   My fears turned to green pastures, still waters, and my soul was restored.   I felt like hitting an "easy button".   Why hadn't I prayed to begin with?   He promised to never leave me nor forsake me, and I was trying to be strong in my own strength after getting frightening news.   I left his office to the hospital preop appointment and then had a nice relaxing lunch with a friend.  

I'm learning more and more that He is faithful.    That being thankful in all things is probably more for my benefit than His.   That I'll never arrive, but will always have to preach to myself of His goodness, His love, and from His Word.   I am praying that He continues to use this for His glory and that my family will always remember this time.   We will have to remind ourselves, of course, because how easily we forget.   Thanks again for all the prayers.  

Golf Tournament

I Don't Want to Die

I’ve never asked any of the doctors what they think my long-term outcome will be of this cancer.   In fact, it took until half way through my treatments to find out I was probably stage 2.   I think I was afraid if the diagnosis was worse, or if they weren’t 100% I’d beat this that I’d focus on dying more than living this year.   For the most part, it’s worked.   There have been a few fleeting moments that I’ve “gone there.”    Today I had one of those moments.   I was sharing with Rusty how sometimes well-meaning people, usually strangers, tell me their story dealing with the same cancer and about half the time they let me know it ends well and sometimes they let me know their family members didn’t make it.   It’s kind of like when you are 9 months pregnant and instead of hearing all the good birth stories you seem to hear every painful, long, drawn-out, horror, labor and delivery story.   Rusty and I have never really talked about the “what if”.    He said he knew, and that even he had done research on the internet.   Now the shocking part of that is that he rarely gets on the computer, nor has he ever desired to be computer savvy.  This carpenter, deputy police officer of mine, just got an e-mail address this past year and rarely even used it.  He doesn’t even remember his password.  So as we both walked arm and arm through the store early this morning, I realized he even had to at least temporarily “go there”.     For a brief moment, as we are looking for the proper wire and beads for a craft I’m working on, I feel myself getting teary-eyed thinking “I don’t want to die.   I really don’t want to die.   I want to grow old with this man of mine.   I want to watch my children grow up, get married, and have some more grandchildren.”   I gather myself together and once again preach to myself.   At first it was just quiet thoughts as I really didn’t want to visit this place in my mind, but then I had to choose to fight.  My time is in His hands.   He knows the desires of my heart and He knows what’s best for me and my family.   I pray it’s to live and not die young.   However, I’ll have to make the choice to live each day whether I get one year or forty more.   I mean really live.   Until you’ve ever faced death, those songs that tell you to live like you were dying sound like pretty good advice.   But after you have had to face your mortality head on, they take on a whole new meaning.    What would I do THIS DAY differently if I knew it was my last.   We never really know, do we?  Would I worry as much about the dirty floors or the unfinished construction in my home that visitors are seeing every time they bring us food?   I definitely wouldn’t worry about stretch marks, gray hair, or wrinkles.  I’d still want to teach my children to love to learn, to want to work hard and well at whatever their hands may do, to be disciplined about nutrition and exercise (but not above all else), to think about what influences they put into their hearts and minds, to serve others, to trust the Lord with all their hearts, and to be thankful in ALL things.   I'd want my husband to know it was worth all the hard times we made it through over the years and that I’d do it again.   I'd want my children to know they were always a blessing to us.   I don’t want to always wish I had done things better.   I don’t want to keep working to be the wife, mom, teacher, etc. that I wish I was and live like tomorrow I may have it more together.   But I want to live with the realization I’ll NEVER be all that I want to be for the Lord, myself, or my family.   However, I can choose to be thankful and find joy in this life despite myself, and try to spill His love wherever I go and on whatever I find my hands busy with.  With all my warts and failures, maybe just maybe, my family will see I know He loved me, really loved me, just as I am and that they too can walk in that freedom throughout their lives.   So today, once again, I’m choosing to thank the Lord for this journey He has me on.   Although, I still really love the school days that go smooth, seeing the laundry floor, and falling into bed with a good bit of my to dos done and done well in a happy, peaceful home.   It’s made me appreciate the birds singing this spring even more than usual; the heavens He’s painted for me sky blue pink are more beautiful; my husband’s company is more satisfying; my children and grandchildren’s laughter is more wonderful; His grace I find even more amazing; His love more abundant; and my joy so much more full.   

...or for worse

When Rusty and I took those vows 26 years ago, I bet he never thought how bad it could get.   I've never called him home from work for myself in the nearly 30 years that we've been together until Monday night.  As a young man, I guarantee he never dreamed he'd have to help his wife with cancer off the bathroom floor into the shower and clean a bathroom covered in vomit.     As he helped me to bed after he called the doctor, I told him I guess he gets to cover the "for worse part" of the vows now, so sorry.    He's never complained nor have the children these past 3 months despite the extra load they've had to carry.  But it has me wondering about the "or for worse" part of the vows even more.

What does the "for worse" look like?   For some, it's the elderly woman caring for her husband with Alzheimer's for as long as she his able.   Then after putting him in a home, she visited him every day until he passed.   For another, it's caring for the other after a horrible accident or illness that's left him/her paralyzed.   Our hearts are touched by the stories we hear of people who care for others in sacrificial ways especially when it costs them much.   How will our relationship hold if we lose a child?  What if his/her business fails, we lose it all, and we go bankrupt?   A child is born with special needs?   We've been married shortly, and now one of us is diagnosed as bipolar?  If there is an affair for which the other party is truly repentant?   The spouse now has addiction issues?   The spouse breaks the law and is sent to jail?  What if the spouse has just become a jerk or depressed ALL THE TIME?   How will the marriage vows hold up then?   I think it's an important part of premarital counseling to discuss if two people would be willing to keep their vows when faced with such difficult circumstances to really prepare a couple that life will get hard.   It's good to be determined to stick together before trouble comes, but it's kind of like going on a diet.  It's really easy to decide at the end of the day before the next meal is before you.  Disciplined dieting is where you have to decide to make a good choice each meal of each day.   Pondering all these circumstances, I couldn't come up with any easy, pat answer but that I'm unsure how you stay strong in any of these circumstances without the strength of the Lord.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."   Ecclesiastes 4:12

Rusty and I decided from the beginning that divorce would never be an option nor part of our vocabulary.  It couldn't be used as a weapon against one another at any time. We haven't had to face many of the troubles that others have, but we've suffered some.   In times of doubt and uncertainty, I've had to dig into the Word and seek wise counsel.    

“Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong."  I Corinthians 13:5

It says in I Corinthians 13:7 that love "always protects."  I don't think that means that love enables, covers over, or hides those things that should be brought to the light. (However, love that protects is being very careful and prayerful of when, where, and with whom, we share “personal” details of our married life that need extra help and wise counsel.) When we want to truly love our spouse, we will protect them by showing honor and respect for their feelings-- not revealing or doing anything that will embarrass them or “cut them down.” When we do that, we are dishonoring them and showing that we don’t value them.

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, 

covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. 

So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”  Malachi 2:16

That is not to say that there aren't many people who would have loved to reconcile and make a relationship work, but the other partner wouldn't participate or they have legitimate reasons (abuse, infidelity) to separate.   This is definitely not a judgment against anyone divorced, because but by the grace of God, that could have been my story.  But I think, as a whole, we are a generation that prefers a life of ease and we run from trouble, difficulties, or stress.   My natural response when things get too overwhelming is to want to quit EVERYTHING!!   However, as I've matured (at least some) over the years, I've learned to press through difficult times.  It may mean things do have to change, but I don't need to give up. 

So how do we push through the "for worse" times of marriage?   For me, again, it's preaching to myself the truth from Scriptures.   I'm reminded He will never leave me nor forsake me.   Therefore, I know whatever I'm facing, He knows and will equip me for every good work.  I must keep looking towards His Word for strength.   Pray.  Pray.  Pray.   Surround myself with others who will encourage me to do what's right and speak truth to me in love even if I don't like it.    Remember I John 3:16 that states, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”   It's not easy, but the Gospel is never more demonstrated to our children when we serve our spouse when they are at their worse.   Rusty's commitment to me when he rushed home, cleaned me up, took off the next day to care for me spoke volumes more to my children about love than any words we could have spoke to them.   Let's strive to stick to our vows, and watch how God blesses us through our obedience.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  Ephesians 5:25-33

Learning Why I Wait

The Lord has taught me patience through many trials over the years.    One of the first big ways was to wait on Him to give us baby # 2 SEVEN YEARS after baby #1.     He has fortunately supplied me with more patience with each child when I thought there would be no way I could handle things well.    Not to say that I don't still blow it, but I've gotten better and the Lord has improved my "vision" on what's really important to make a big deal of and what things really don't matter.   I've learned through the many years of trials and troubles to lean on Him and He truly will supply all that I need according to His riches and glory.  Since finding cancer, life has sped up in some ways and really slowed down in others.    The days have gone fast when they were filled with appointment after appointment.   They've slowed down since I'm too ill to go much of anywhere else and the appointments are not daily any longer.  You would think that means I finally have time to catch up on all the chores and school with the children.....but I still don't have that much energy.   However, our school is clicking along at a much better rhythm since I'm not going to radiation each morning. 

I'll be surprised if my life is the same after cancer as it was before.   I've been forced to stop and smell the roses and I have learned to enjoy this much slower pace.   I didn't realize how much of the load I've carried over the years until I've allowed others to help carry it with me.   For example, my husband does the shopping most of the time now when we run out of things.   My eldest daughter has helped out by shopping with children for their needs for me and my eldest son has run other errands for me.  The days of no interrupting errands have been successful school days and even chores are getting more back on schedule.   What you may not know but before I got the cancer, I was laid off from running a book business for a missionary.   That also took me (with different children on different days) 20-30 hours a week away from home.   Unfortunately, we've had to do some retraining because we got really lax with the children on chores when I was at my sickest.   We accepted half done jobs because we didn't have the energy to follow through.   But I will choose to see that as another opportunity to help my children to become better servants of the Lord instead of ONE MORE THING they aren't getting right.   I usually see their poor habits as my poor parenting.   If I take time to train them correctly, they will learn what is expected.   But it takes time...and time is one of our most valuable assets.   Sometimes, it's the thing I don't want to give all of, but we have to be willing to sacrifice much for our families in order for them to flourish as well tended plants in a garden.

Lest you think I have it all together, I'll let you in on the nitty gritty of our home.  Too many habits got way laid during my sickest months:

• my youngest has to be repotty-trained
• we are working on enforcing bed times again
• working on getting our Classical Conversations memory work back on a daily basis (Mon-Fri)
• they watched too much t.v. and played too many video games which we've finally got back under control
• my little ones went nights without me checking their teeth
• even though I've leaned totally on the Lord, my personal Bible reading has been very hit or miss and we just completed our second week of consistent morning Bible in school.
• the bedrooms have not been mama inspected in so long it will take me probably all of March on the weekends to clean out one room at a time "spring clean" style to get things back in order (including my own!!)
• and we just rediscovered the laundry room floor.

Yet, despite all the short-comings, I'm sooo very thankful for this life the Lord has given me.    Thankful for all the time I get to serve my Lord by serving my family.   Thankful for my family picking up so much of my duties and not complaining.   Thankful for the body of Christ who has consistently blessed us with food and money.   Thankful for all those who worked on and gave towards the spaghetti dinner for us.   Thankful for all the encouraging notes and cards, folks who have given my children rides when they needed them to church or soccer practice, folks who have given clothes, paper products, weekly milk deliveries, and all the prayers.   As hard as this has been, the Lord has poured out so much love to me and my family that I have been totally humbled by the generous outpouring.   So what have I learned?   That I'm still learning, the Lord hasn't given up on me yet (phew, big sigh of relief), that I want to truly life this life with as few as regrets as possible and to succeed I'm going to have to be more wise with my time in the future and weigh all opportunities against if it's going to benefit our family or the Lord in the long run.    Well, its my bed time and I haven't challenged my hubby to a round of cards yet.   Yep, that's fun time for us.   Good night. :D

Jonathan Edwards: “Upon time we should set a high value, and be exceeding careful that it be not lost; and we are therefore exhorted to exercise wisdom and circumspection, in order that we may redeem it. And hence it appears, that time is exceedingly precious.”