It's All Perspective

The past six months have contained lots of trials and troubles.   I wonder when the Word speaks of Satan walking like a roaring lion seeking whom he may destroy if one of his weapons is discouragement.    Since October:  I was laid off, my cancer was discovered, our roof replaced, our refrigerator had to be replaced....TWICE, house fire from fireworks, children with flu like colds, house taxes due, vehicle tags due, car problems to repair, both lawn mowers and weed eater not working (one lawnmower and weed eater also less than 2 weeks old), two water leaks in yard that had to be found and repaired, dryer died, all of this amidst nearly six weeks of chemo and radiation and homeschooling!    This past Friday, my son was helping by making pumpkin chocolate chip muffins to take on our beach trip, and our oven caught on fire (electrical) and died.   My first reaction was REALLY??   REALLY??   One more thing!   This oven isn't even two years old.  

As we await our tax money to come in to purchase a new stove, dryer and lawn equipment (if my husband cannot repair the stove or lawn equipment), I decided I'd remember this year a different way.   I get more time at home for school and family, was healed from cancer, got a new roof, got a new refrigerator, made repairs on the house, children were healed from awful colds and I didn't get the bug even with a compromised immune system, taxes were paid, tags were purchased, car problems repaired, lawn equipment repaired or purchased, leaks repaired, dryer purchased, and I made it through chemo and radiation pretty doggone well.  It will be like a new me and a new home.   The new me won't be just physical, but definitely mental and spiritual as well.  I refuse to let Satan rob me of my joy, to miss seeing the provisions of God for each trial presented, and to walk in defeat when I am a child of the King.   Therefore, I will hold my head up high even if it's in the middle of a stinky situation, lift my hands and Praise Jesus for He truly has provided all I need every moment in every circumstance.

Great Report from the Doctor

Today I went for my preop appointment with the surgeon.   Boy was that a long ordeal!  Computers were being changed over so had to update all the paperwork for the new system.   Then I had the consultation with the doctor.   I won't go into the next part but let's just say that insurance doesn't cover cat scans before surgery because they are going to open you up anyway to see what's going on.  However, the doctor still wants to see how the tumor responded to chemo and radiation.   After the total violation of the "EXIT ONLY" area, I did get a great report for which I am so thankful to the Lord for.   He reminded me that when he checked the tumor last time that it was HUGE.   (He didn't say big or large, but HUGE!)  As far as he can tell now, it's either gone or very small.    Happy dance.   Happy dance.   I sometimes wish I didn't mind being ignorant, instead I then wanted him to tell me exactly EVERYTHING about the procedure I am having on April 11th.  He drew pictures for me on the paper on the table and showed me where the tumor was, what was radiated, how he will unattach a lot of my colon, where he will cut and reattach.   The surgery is 4 hours long and then I will spend one hour in recovery.   I will be in the hospital 4-7 days.  I will wear a bag for 10-12 weeks after surgery.   If they see more cancer during surgery, I will get chemo again.   After the 10-12 weeks is up, they will reattach me so I don't have to wear a bag.   Was also told that I have just been sped through via radiation and chemo menopause.   I was robbed of weight loss but hey, no hot flashes or emotional ups and downs.   I'll take that.  Then I asked about all the what could go wrong questions.   What was I thinking??   At the end, he asked if I had any more concerns/questions and I was able to testify that although this hasn't been easy that the Lord has been so good to me and my family.    That I have probably cooked 3 meals this year because the rest has been provided by family, friends, or the body of Christ.   He was amazed and asked where in the world do I go to church!   I told him it wasn't just Kiokee that provided, but the home school community, Grace Fellowship folks where we used to worship, and even strangers in the body of Christ who read my blog and felt like helping out.   (I know.  I know.  We don't take candy from strangers but entire meals.)   I was able to testify of the goodness of the Lord during the past three months.   Honestly, I doubt my family and I will remember the toilet hugging, the tiredness, the pains, etc but will never forget the goodness of God in His provisions during the past 3 months from food to finances, encouraging notes, kind phone messages left when I was too tired to answer, transportation for children, and so much more.

When I was laying on the table at the doctors getting examined, honestly, I began crying.   The pain was awful.   The humiliation was worse.  Then I reminded myself, preached again to myself, what was I going to focus on?   Because my thought at the time was this, am I going to be subjected to this for the rest of my life for this old man's disease that I got?   Is this going to be part of a yearly routine?   Then I put into perspective that if the Lord sees fit for me to live a long life and part of my routine is thirty humiliating minutes out of the 8,760 hours I get a year, am I really going to complain?   Really?  Then I prayed.   And the Lord mercifully poured out His peace and reminded me of Psalm 23.   My fears turned to green pastures, still waters, and my soul was restored.   I felt like hitting an "easy button".   Why hadn't I prayed to begin with?   He promised to never leave me nor forsake me, and I was trying to be strong in my own strength after getting frightening news.   I left his office to the hospital preop appointment and then had a nice relaxing lunch with a friend.  

I'm learning more and more that He is faithful.    That being thankful in all things is probably more for my benefit than His.   That I'll never arrive, but will always have to preach to myself of His goodness, His love, and from His Word.   I am praying that He continues to use this for His glory and that my family will always remember this time.   We will have to remind ourselves, of course, because how easily we forget.   Thanks again for all the prayers.  

Golf Tournament

I Don't Want to Die

I’ve never asked any of the doctors what they think my long-term outcome will be of this cancer.   In fact, it took until half way through my treatments to find out I was probably stage 2.   I think I was afraid if the diagnosis was worse, or if they weren’t 100% I’d beat this that I’d focus on dying more than living this year.   For the most part, it’s worked.   There have been a few fleeting moments that I’ve “gone there.”    Today I had one of those moments.   I was sharing with Rusty how sometimes well-meaning people, usually strangers, tell me their story dealing with the same cancer and about half the time they let me know it ends well and sometimes they let me know their family members didn’t make it.   It’s kind of like when you are 9 months pregnant and instead of hearing all the good birth stories you seem to hear every painful, long, drawn-out, horror, labor and delivery story.   Rusty and I have never really talked about the “what if”.    He said he knew, and that even he had done research on the internet.   Now the shocking part of that is that he rarely gets on the computer, nor has he ever desired to be computer savvy.  This carpenter, deputy police officer of mine, just got an e-mail address this past year and rarely even used it.  He doesn’t even remember his password.  So as we both walked arm and arm through the store early this morning, I realized he even had to at least temporarily “go there”.     For a brief moment, as we are looking for the proper wire and beads for a craft I’m working on, I feel myself getting teary-eyed thinking “I don’t want to die.   I really don’t want to die.   I want to grow old with this man of mine.   I want to watch my children grow up, get married, and have some more grandchildren.”   I gather myself together and once again preach to myself.   At first it was just quiet thoughts as I really didn’t want to visit this place in my mind, but then I had to choose to fight.  My time is in His hands.   He knows the desires of my heart and He knows what’s best for me and my family.   I pray it’s to live and not die young.   However, I’ll have to make the choice to live each day whether I get one year or forty more.   I mean really live.   Until you’ve ever faced death, those songs that tell you to live like you were dying sound like pretty good advice.   But after you have had to face your mortality head on, they take on a whole new meaning.    What would I do THIS DAY differently if I knew it was my last.   We never really know, do we?  Would I worry as much about the dirty floors or the unfinished construction in my home that visitors are seeing every time they bring us food?   I definitely wouldn’t worry about stretch marks, gray hair, or wrinkles.  I’d still want to teach my children to love to learn, to want to work hard and well at whatever their hands may do, to be disciplined about nutrition and exercise (but not above all else), to think about what influences they put into their hearts and minds, to serve others, to trust the Lord with all their hearts, and to be thankful in ALL things.   I'd want my husband to know it was worth all the hard times we made it through over the years and that I’d do it again.   I'd want my children to know they were always a blessing to us.   I don’t want to always wish I had done things better.   I don’t want to keep working to be the wife, mom, teacher, etc. that I wish I was and live like tomorrow I may have it more together.   But I want to live with the realization I’ll NEVER be all that I want to be for the Lord, myself, or my family.   However, I can choose to be thankful and find joy in this life despite myself, and try to spill His love wherever I go and on whatever I find my hands busy with.  With all my warts and failures, maybe just maybe, my family will see I know He loved me, really loved me, just as I am and that they too can walk in that freedom throughout their lives.   So today, once again, I’m choosing to thank the Lord for this journey He has me on.   Although, I still really love the school days that go smooth, seeing the laundry floor, and falling into bed with a good bit of my to dos done and done well in a happy, peaceful home.   It’s made me appreciate the birds singing this spring even more than usual; the heavens He’s painted for me sky blue pink are more beautiful; my husband’s company is more satisfying; my children and grandchildren’s laughter is more wonderful; His grace I find even more amazing; His love more abundant; and my joy so much more full.   

...or for worse

When Rusty and I took those vows 26 years ago, I bet he never thought how bad it could get.   I've never called him home from work for myself in the nearly 30 years that we've been together until Monday night.  As a young man, I guarantee he never dreamed he'd have to help his wife with cancer off the bathroom floor into the shower and clean a bathroom covered in vomit.     As he helped me to bed after he called the doctor, I told him I guess he gets to cover the "for worse part" of the vows now, so sorry.    He's never complained nor have the children these past 3 months despite the extra load they've had to carry.  But it has me wondering about the "or for worse" part of the vows even more.

What does the "for worse" look like?   For some, it's the elderly woman caring for her husband with Alzheimer's for as long as she his able.   Then after putting him in a home, she visited him every day until he passed.   For another, it's caring for the other after a horrible accident or illness that's left him/her paralyzed.   Our hearts are touched by the stories we hear of people who care for others in sacrificial ways especially when it costs them much.   How will our relationship hold if we lose a child?  What if his/her business fails, we lose it all, and we go bankrupt?   A child is born with special needs?   We've been married shortly, and now one of us is diagnosed as bipolar?  If there is an affair for which the other party is truly repentant?   The spouse now has addiction issues?   The spouse breaks the law and is sent to jail?  What if the spouse has just become a jerk or depressed ALL THE TIME?   How will the marriage vows hold up then?   I think it's an important part of premarital counseling to discuss if two people would be willing to keep their vows when faced with such difficult circumstances to really prepare a couple that life will get hard.   It's good to be determined to stick together before trouble comes, but it's kind of like going on a diet.  It's really easy to decide at the end of the day before the next meal is before you.  Disciplined dieting is where you have to decide to make a good choice each meal of each day.   Pondering all these circumstances, I couldn't come up with any easy, pat answer but that I'm unsure how you stay strong in any of these circumstances without the strength of the Lord.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."   Ecclesiastes 4:12

Rusty and I decided from the beginning that divorce would never be an option nor part of our vocabulary.  It couldn't be used as a weapon against one another at any time. We haven't had to face many of the troubles that others have, but we've suffered some.   In times of doubt and uncertainty, I've had to dig into the Word and seek wise counsel.    

“Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong."  I Corinthians 13:5

It says in I Corinthians 13:7 that love "always protects."  I don't think that means that love enables, covers over, or hides those things that should be brought to the light. (However, love that protects is being very careful and prayerful of when, where, and with whom, we share “personal” details of our married life that need extra help and wise counsel.) When we want to truly love our spouse, we will protect them by showing honor and respect for their feelings-- not revealing or doing anything that will embarrass them or “cut them down.” When we do that, we are dishonoring them and showing that we don’t value them.

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, 

covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. 

So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”  Malachi 2:16

That is not to say that there aren't many people who would have loved to reconcile and make a relationship work, but the other partner wouldn't participate or they have legitimate reasons (abuse, infidelity) to separate.   This is definitely not a judgment against anyone divorced, because but by the grace of God, that could have been my story.  But I think, as a whole, we are a generation that prefers a life of ease and we run from trouble, difficulties, or stress.   My natural response when things get too overwhelming is to want to quit EVERYTHING!!   However, as I've matured (at least some) over the years, I've learned to press through difficult times.  It may mean things do have to change, but I don't need to give up. 

So how do we push through the "for worse" times of marriage?   For me, again, it's preaching to myself the truth from Scriptures.   I'm reminded He will never leave me nor forsake me.   Therefore, I know whatever I'm facing, He knows and will equip me for every good work.  I must keep looking towards His Word for strength.   Pray.  Pray.  Pray.   Surround myself with others who will encourage me to do what's right and speak truth to me in love even if I don't like it.    Remember I John 3:16 that states, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”   It's not easy, but the Gospel is never more demonstrated to our children when we serve our spouse when they are at their worse.   Rusty's commitment to me when he rushed home, cleaned me up, took off the next day to care for me spoke volumes more to my children about love than any words we could have spoke to them.   Let's strive to stick to our vows, and watch how God blesses us through our obedience.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  Ephesians 5:25-33

Learning Why I Wait

The Lord has taught me patience through many trials over the years.    One of the first big ways was to wait on Him to give us baby # 2 SEVEN YEARS after baby #1.     He has fortunately supplied me with more patience with each child when I thought there would be no way I could handle things well.    Not to say that I don't still blow it, but I've gotten better and the Lord has improved my "vision" on what's really important to make a big deal of and what things really don't matter.   I've learned through the many years of trials and troubles to lean on Him and He truly will supply all that I need according to His riches and glory.  Since finding cancer, life has sped up in some ways and really slowed down in others.    The days have gone fast when they were filled with appointment after appointment.   They've slowed down since I'm too ill to go much of anywhere else and the appointments are not daily any longer.  You would think that means I finally have time to catch up on all the chores and school with the children.....but I still don't have that much energy.   However, our school is clicking along at a much better rhythm since I'm not going to radiation each morning. 

I'll be surprised if my life is the same after cancer as it was before.   I've been forced to stop and smell the roses and I have learned to enjoy this much slower pace.   I didn't realize how much of the load I've carried over the years until I've allowed others to help carry it with me.   For example, my husband does the shopping most of the time now when we run out of things.   My eldest daughter has helped out by shopping with children for their needs for me and my eldest son has run other errands for me.  The days of no interrupting errands have been successful school days and even chores are getting more back on schedule.   What you may not know but before I got the cancer, I was laid off from running a book business for a missionary.   That also took me (with different children on different days) 20-30 hours a week away from home.   Unfortunately, we've had to do some retraining because we got really lax with the children on chores when I was at my sickest.   We accepted half done jobs because we didn't have the energy to follow through.   But I will choose to see that as another opportunity to help my children to become better servants of the Lord instead of ONE MORE THING they aren't getting right.   I usually see their poor habits as my poor parenting.   If I take time to train them correctly, they will learn what is expected.   But it takes time...and time is one of our most valuable assets.   Sometimes, it's the thing I don't want to give all of, but we have to be willing to sacrifice much for our families in order for them to flourish as well tended plants in a garden.

Lest you think I have it all together, I'll let you in on the nitty gritty of our home.  Too many habits got way laid during my sickest months:

• my youngest has to be repotty-trained
• we are working on enforcing bed times again
• working on getting our Classical Conversations memory work back on a daily basis (Mon-Fri)
• they watched too much t.v. and played too many video games which we've finally got back under control
• my little ones went nights without me checking their teeth
• even though I've leaned totally on the Lord, my personal Bible reading has been very hit or miss and we just completed our second week of consistent morning Bible in school.
• the bedrooms have not been mama inspected in so long it will take me probably all of March on the weekends to clean out one room at a time "spring clean" style to get things back in order (including my own!!)
• and we just rediscovered the laundry room floor.

Yet, despite all the short-comings, I'm sooo very thankful for this life the Lord has given me.    Thankful for all the time I get to serve my Lord by serving my family.   Thankful for my family picking up so much of my duties and not complaining.   Thankful for the body of Christ who has consistently blessed us with food and money.   Thankful for all those who worked on and gave towards the spaghetti dinner for us.   Thankful for all the encouraging notes and cards, folks who have given my children rides when they needed them to church or soccer practice, folks who have given clothes, paper products, weekly milk deliveries, and all the prayers.   As hard as this has been, the Lord has poured out so much love to me and my family that I have been totally humbled by the generous outpouring.   So what have I learned?   That I'm still learning, the Lord hasn't given up on me yet (phew, big sigh of relief), that I want to truly life this life with as few as regrets as possible and to succeed I'm going to have to be more wise with my time in the future and weigh all opportunities against if it's going to benefit our family or the Lord in the long run.    Well, its my bed time and I haven't challenged my hubby to a round of cards yet.   Yep, that's fun time for us.   Good night. :D

Jonathan Edwards: “Upon time we should set a high value, and be exceeding careful that it be not lost; and we are therefore exhorted to exercise wisdom and circumspection, in order that we may redeem it. And hence it appears, that time is exceedingly precious.”

Fried, Southern Fried

That's me.  My last day of chemo was Thursday and my bag was removed Friday.   My white blood count levels were almost double and I was so very excited that they were finally in the normal range even if it was the low side of normal.   My home school Classical Conversations community put on a spaghetti supper for us Friday night and I decided to go.    We were so blessed and overwhelmed with such generous support that I'll never be able to thank folks enough for their kindness and love shown to us.

Saturday I began running a fever and have been battling fevers ever since.   Today was my last radiation appointment and I really thought that I would begin feeling like me again even if it was slowly, but honestly I've been more tired and weak.   The chemo doctor said for me to make an appointment with my gynecologist at my visit Friday and the radiation doctor concurred today when I explained some issues I was having (extra bleeding & pain).    For those who may find my appointment with the gynecologist as  TMI, please stop here and pray for healing and infection to be gone.  For the brave, basically my female parts seem to be "cooked" from the radiation used to treat my colorectal cancer.   My bleeding is from being "cooked" like a bad sun burn and the tissues just peeling away.  In fact, I shouldn't have, but I listened in to the doctor telling the compound pharmacist that "it's just horrible!!"  Yikes!  It may have also affected my urinary tract.  

To say I wasn't a bit discouraged finding out I wasn't on the road to being healthy quickly, would be quite an understatement.  I'm not sure if I felt sad due to my hormones being disrupted too or just the fact that my iron is lower, my wbc count was lower, and I just feel puny.   However, I'm going to encourage myself that the Lord assured me He will see me through this and that I have some great prayer warriors lifting me and my family up. 

Preaching to Yourself for Others

This past Sunday evening my sister had a small church service in her home because I have missed going to church since my white blood cell counts have been too low to attend for quite a while.   It was such an incredibly sweet service.   My nephew, Wesley, led the worship part of the service.   He did a fabulous job!  My former pastor and spiritual father, Wade Trimmer, preached to us about life not being fair but as God's children (due to our belief in His son Jesus Christ as the only way to the Father) we are highly favored!   We followed the sermon with a time of communion and then I was anointed with oil and prayed over for healing from my cancer as instructed in James 5:14.   My spirit soured as we worshiped the Lord together and it resonated with the Word that went forth from the preaching.   I chewed on it the whole way home and was so encouraged by the whole service that was "for me".   At least, that's what I thought.

The next morning I was 10 minutes late to my radiation appointment which means I would have to wait to be fit in.   This only happened once before so I try to be early or on time so I am at the radiation center 15 minutes instead of an hour.   Another thing that happens when you are late is that you are in a different group of people than usual.   I happened to be the youngest of the bunch this morning except for 2 young women who seemed to have brought their grandmother into the center.  A gentleman in his 70's came in, checked in, and told everyone aloud "Good morning folks!"   The normally quiet room echoed with many a good mornings.   He happened to know the elderly lady next to him (probably from appointment times being close) and said he was glad to see her this morning and was glad that she was getting her radiation.   She agreed, but said sadly "but I don't understand why the Lord allowed me to get so ill".   He responded, "We can't know that this side of heaven."   A few mumbled agreements and I told them when we get to heaven we won't care about any of those questions we want the answers to.   We are going to be in such awe of our awesome, incredible God that all those concerns will be gone.  Some agreed and some looked as if I was talking Greek.   Our friendly morning man then said he had two choices every morning.  He was going to choose to be happy that day or sad.    He then continued it takes too much out of him to be sad so he chooses to be happy each day.   Making a "choice to rejoice" is what we call it in our home.  As he was speaking, I felt I needed to share the truth I had been chewing on since the night before with the sad, questioning lady.  I was looking to see if there was a chair near her I could get into when they called her name over the intercom.  I knew if I didn't speak to her right then that I wouldn't have a chance because we would pass each other in treatments.   I noticed she had a cane, two bags, and a coat as she arose slowly to gather her things to head down the hall.  Quickly going to her side, I offered to help her get to her treatment room which she gladly received.   As we got through the doors between the waiting room and the hall, I stopped her to tell her that I heard what she said in the waiting room.   That she was right to think that life wasn't fair, but as a child of God she was highly favored.   I wanted her to go home today and read over Ephesians 2 and remind herself of how SPECIAL she was to the Lord.  Because she was saved, she was Sovereignly chosen, she was Positionally holy, Experentially changed, Completely accepted because she was seen as Christ being in Christ, Incredibly secure, Avowedly valuable to the Lord who allowed his Son to suffer and die to cover her sins, which made her Legally Cleared.   I assured her that the Lord loved her and was walking this road with her because she was being Securely managed.   She was so encouraged that her entire countenance changed.  She even shared she had loved the Lord as long as she could remember.   My "cooking" session happened to be after hers so as she came out and saw me she thanked me and reminded me that I wasn't alone either.  

If I could've left the doors of the building,  jumped, and clicked my heels together, I would have.   I jumped in my truck with my husband and told him that I'm so sorry he had to wait an hour but my morning went WONDERFUL!!  He looked at me quite bewildered and I said had I not gone to Sandi's last night and was reminded of these wonderful truths, had I not been moving so slow this morning, and had I not been late this morning, I would have missed a divine appointment to encourage a fellow saint.   WHAT A WONDERFUL MORNING!  WHAT A WONDERFUL SAVIOR, that would allow ME to share His love with a discouraged saint.   

If you want to chew on the same truths, head on over to Ephesians 1:3-14 and be reminded that believer's are Father's SPECIALS!
Sovereignly chosed (elected us)
Positionally holy (justified/anctified us)
Eperientially changed (regnerated us)
Completely accepted (reconciled us)
Incredibly secure (adopted us)
Avowedly valuable (redeemed us)
Legally cleared (forgiven us)
Securely managed (sealed us)

To be further encouraged, make this good confession that we made Sunday night and I hope that your spirit soars as mine has rejoicing in our Lord Jesus.

Highly Favored’s Confession!

“I am blessed of the Lord, uniquely privileged, highly favored, immeasurably loved, in Christ as Christ.”

My Heavenly Father has an active interest in me and daily shows a willingness to give approval and support. His daily favor is shown in His friendliness, helpfulness, and a willingness to contribute to the success and welfare of His selected, favored people – the people of grace and faith and not race and place.

“I’m blessed, and highly favored of the Lord because I’m one of His Favorites! And I’ve been picked out to be picked on to demonstrate that God doesn’t have to pet, pamper, prosper, praise, and promote me as an indication of my standing with Him. By faith I declare that everything God has promised to be for me in Jesus, he has been, is being, and will be! Therefore I will pray from favor, think in terms of favor, translate every event in light of favor, and talk of the favor of the Lord!”

I confess by faith that in happy times or hard times, in pleasure or in pain, in sickness or in health, for better or for worse, God, our Father, is always with me, is always in control, is always good, is always able, and is always victorious.

Therefore, I will not fear. I will not doubt. I will not despair. I will not falter. I will not fail!

What Father says I am, I am. What he says I have, I have. What He says I can do, I can do by grace through faith! Therefore I will live and die in favor always believing that the best is still ahead for me!

I confess that in the Lord Jesus Christ I NOW have a life that can never be forfeited; a righteousness that can never be tarnished; an acceptance that can never be rejected; a standing that can never be disputed; a justification that can never be reversed; an inheritance from which I can never be disinherited; a wealth that can never be depleted; a resource that can never be diminished; a possession that can never be measured; a power that can never be rendered impotent or inadequate.

I confess that in the Lord Jesus Christ I NOW have a peace that can never be destroyed; a joy that can never be suppressed; a love that can never be decreased; a strength that can never be degraded; a power that can never be exhausted; a salvation that can nev­er be cancelled; a forgiveness that can never be overturned; a deliverance that can never be frustrated; an assurance that can never be disappointed; an access that can never be discontinued.

In the Lord Jesus Christ we NOW have an Intercessor who can never be disqualified; a revelation that can nev­er be destroyed; a Victor who can never be vanquished; a resurrection that can never be hindered; a hope that can never be disappointed; a glory that can never be dimmed!

Therefore I will live daily in humility, availability, and responsibility before Him! I confess that my reason for being is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and I am beginning to do that right Now!

Do You Believe in Miracles?

It's interesting to hear views on miracles.   Some Christians believe that miracles are a rare occurrence and they mostly only occurred in the New Testament era.   Others believe they are always available to us but we lack faith and it's always our fault if things don't happen that we pray for.  Personally, I believe miracles still happen, but that it's dangerous to believe we can control God.   Years ago, I listened to some teachings that took the scriptures of having faith (like Matthew 17:20 and others) and believed 100% that if I prayed for a miracle in faith that, of course, it would happen.    Deceived, I earnestly prayed as if God was obligated to listen to me because I followed this formula.   When I began miscarrying a baby that we had prayed years for, I prayed and believed I was going to be 100% healed and this baby that we longed for was going to be born.   When I lost this precious baby, my faith was rocky.   I was worried I was one of those believers in Matthew 7:21-23 that just thought I was saved.   I knew that I at least has mustard seed size faith and was shaken to the core.   What those teachings miss are two big things -- God's sovereignty and mystery.   I went back to the Word and dug into the Word to assure myself I wasn't lost, that I was definitely one of His children.   I preached to myself the Word and assured my spirit of who I was and whom I belonged to.  I still believe that when we pray with faith that God can heal, but now I believe that because He's sovereign He chooses when to say yes and when to say no to our prayers.   I also believe that I can't normally figure out the why's and when's because there is also mystery involved.    Isaiah 55:8-9  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth,  so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  How do I suppose my little brain is going to understand the mind of a God big enough to create the world out of nothing?  Where do we get our arrogance from?  I am still believing God can 100% heal me of this cancer.   I'm praying when they scan me to see how well the radiation and the chemo did before surgery that the mass will be entirely gone and surgery won't be necessary.   But if He says no, will I will choose to praise Him anyway?  Yes!!  

Philipians 4:11-13  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

 A Few Miracles that our Family Has Experienced

1)   Salvation!
2)   All 8 of our children's births....always a miracle!  (5 others didn't make it to birth.)
3)   Praise was born and died for 13 minutes.   She was not supposed to walk or talk.   She was supposed to be learning challenged.  She's perfectly healthy nearly 13 years later.
4)   Praise had her sonogram before her surgery to place a shunt in her brain for her hydrocephalus.   When they did the scan, there was no longer a problem and surgery was canceled.
5)   Praise was off her seizure medication by 6 months.
6)   Nicholas was shot in the eye with a bb gun at 2 years old.   He had no sight in his eye at the first hospital he was checked at.   They sent us to MCG to see a specialist right away.  Driving from the hospital in Millen to Augusta we called for prayer.   When he was checked at MCG, his sight was 100%.   The only side effect is that his blue eye was green for one year. 
7)  When Michael was a baby, he fell into an orchestra pit.   We believe an angel caught him because although he fell at least 8 feet he didn't even have a bruise on his body.
8)  John Russell also didn't have a healthy birth beginning.   He was lifeless and purple.  18 years later we are still thanking the Lord.

These are just a few, very few, of the many things God has done in our family.  Do I believe in miracles?   Absolutely.  

Luke 1:37   For with God, nothing shall be impossible.

Thankful to be Suffering?

Sat with a dear friend who visited today, we discussed cancer, struggles, life, and the Lord.    There's nothing like getting with a sister in Christ and encouraging one another in the goodness of our Lord.   Even if you are in pain, your spirit-man sours, your joy overflows and you become so thankful that the Lord shows you in so many ways that He knows where you are and reminds you that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

My friend had an incredibly difficult 2011.   I saved a paragraph from the book I finished to share with her when she came.   It was such an encouragement to me and felt like it would be great for her to hear as well.   What I shared follows from the book "When God Weeps", by Tada and Estes:

       God uses suffering to purge sins from our lives, strengthen our commitment to Him, force us to depend on grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, spend our time wisely, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance of sin, teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow, increase faith, and strengthen character.   It's a beautiful image.  

  And it's so true.   I've always reflected on life but seldom have I had a chance to STOP for any period of time to really assess what's important and what's not.  This cancer has made me pause and ponder.  It's also made me thankful for this "pause".     I've never felt the love of the Lord through His body EVER before at the level I have now.     Let me clarify that I've never been a neglected child of the Lord, but this is definitely a new level of love that I've been shown since December.

When we've been blessed with a new baby, we'd have a short pause in the routine to rest, recuperate, and enjoy life but having to stop due to pain and illness is definitely a place I've never been before.   I'm unsure if I'll ever go back to the speed of life I was at before.   I've always felt like my priorities were to the Lord, my husband, children, and home, but I did a lot things (really good things) that interfered with taking care of these things with excellence.    Not for a second am I seeking perfection but just keeping my priorities straight and  I may need to say no to more things, even really good things.   What that is going to look like, I'm unsure but it's going to be good for my family.

I Thessalonians 5:18  In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.   Thank you Lord for teaching me so much in this short season.  

Growing Weary

I'm laying on the couch with the door open while the spring like breeze blows in through the screen door listening to three boys play basketball, while two girls and Christopher paint pictures, and my eldest son paints the dining room.  It's spring in February this year in Georgia.   My power bill loves it but I sure hope we get enough cold that the bugs don't overrun us in the "real" spring and summer.  I'm half way through my treatments and had a definitely weary in well doing type of day a few days ago.  At the end of the day laying in bed with the hubby, I shared with him that I was just tired of not feeling good.   It gets really old.   Not knowing the hormones were kicking in (if you catch my drift) with the regular just not feeling myself I must admit I was pretty pitiful.   Of course when I got a wonderful cyclical surprise in the morning, I thanked him for being sweet and tender but I was going to be alright.   These few months of not feeling well have definitely given me a new empathy for folks with chronic pains and illnesses.   If I'm struggling, I still preach to myself truths from the Scriptures.   When I'm too weary, I have a fabulous husband, family, and friends who continually remind me what a short journey I am on, how far I've already gone, and that the Lord is with me.   But what if I was looking at a lifetime of pain, illness, and lethargy.   Although I can only imagine how hard that would be, I have had a small taste of that world.   The things I would have to purpose to do to fight growing weary in well doing:

1)  Find joy where I am.   (Today it is the spring like weather, a birthday for my baby turning three, giggles over cake, the fresh breeze blowing in, a morning with my Mom who chauffeured me to appointments, a husband who is employed in this tough economy, a grown daughter who calls and checks in on her mama despite her busy life, and children at home who don't even complain about picking up my slack)

2)  Share how I'm feeling so those who love me could encourage me when I'm struggling.   (I'm not good at this one.   I usually don't share struggles until I'm on the other side of them.)

3)  Seek the Lord.   (He is faithful!)

    Deuteronomy 4:29   But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you 

      will find him if you  look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
      Psalm 9:10  Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have 

      never forsaken those who seek you.

  

Also, it's taught me things on how to be a friend to others going through illness.  I want to definitely purpose to be an encouragement and available to others the way I've been blessed these past few months.  

Specific prayer needs:

My white blood count is still low and needs to go up.   My iron is still low.   I went nearly two weeks without any pain medication and was really excited but this week I've begun having quite a bit of pain.   I'm sensitive to everything they've used thus far to cover  my port each week and scratch in my sleep to the point of bleeding.  

Please continue to pray for Sam Simms who is battling non-Hodgkins lymphoma.   I was at his birth 17 years ago!   Pray also for his parents.   It's much easier to go through this yourself than watch a child suffer.      Thanking the Lord for his life, praying for his complete healing and hoping for a now kind of miracle.

Pray also for Drew Ansley.   Another long time friend has a 24 year old son who was in a bad fall and has been in a coma for over a month now.    However, God has been working in his body along the way performing miracles.   They need his kidneys to "wake up" next.  

Thanks so much prayer warriors!