Great Report from the Doctor

Today I went for my preop appointment with the surgeon.   Boy was that a long ordeal!  Computers were being changed over so had to update all the paperwork for the new system.   Then I had the consultation with the doctor.   I won't go into the next part but let's just say that insurance doesn't cover cat scans before surgery because they are going to open you up anyway to see what's going on.  However, the doctor still wants to see how the tumor responded to chemo and radiation.   After the total violation of the "EXIT ONLY" area, I did get a great report for which I am so thankful to the Lord for.   He reminded me that when he checked the tumor last time that it was HUGE.   (He didn't say big or large, but HUGE!)  As far as he can tell now, it's either gone or very small.    Happy dance.   Happy dance.   I sometimes wish I didn't mind being ignorant, instead I then wanted him to tell me exactly EVERYTHING about the procedure I am having on April 11th.  He drew pictures for me on the paper on the table and showed me where the tumor was, what was radiated, how he will unattach a lot of my colon, where he will cut and reattach.   The surgery is 4 hours long and then I will spend one hour in recovery.   I will be in the hospital 4-7 days.  I will wear a bag for 10-12 weeks after surgery.   If they see more cancer during surgery, I will get chemo again.   After the 10-12 weeks is up, they will reattach me so I don't have to wear a bag.   Was also told that I have just been sped through via radiation and chemo menopause.   I was robbed of weight loss but hey, no hot flashes or emotional ups and downs.   I'll take that.  Then I asked about all the what could go wrong questions.   What was I thinking??   At the end, he asked if I had any more concerns/questions and I was able to testify that although this hasn't been easy that the Lord has been so good to me and my family.    That I have probably cooked 3 meals this year because the rest has been provided by family, friends, or the body of Christ.   He was amazed and asked where in the world do I go to church!   I told him it wasn't just Kiokee that provided, but the home school community, Grace Fellowship folks where we used to worship, and even strangers in the body of Christ who read my blog and felt like helping out.   (I know.  I know.  We don't take candy from strangers but entire meals.)   I was able to testify of the goodness of the Lord during the past three months.   Honestly, I doubt my family and I will remember the toilet hugging, the tiredness, the pains, etc but will never forget the goodness of God in His provisions during the past 3 months from food to finances, encouraging notes, kind phone messages left when I was too tired to answer, transportation for children, and so much more.

When I was laying on the table at the doctors getting examined, honestly, I began crying.   The pain was awful.   The humiliation was worse.  Then I reminded myself, preached again to myself, what was I going to focus on?   Because my thought at the time was this, am I going to be subjected to this for the rest of my life for this old man's disease that I got?   Is this going to be part of a yearly routine?   Then I put into perspective that if the Lord sees fit for me to live a long life and part of my routine is thirty humiliating minutes out of the 8,760 hours I get a year, am I really going to complain?   Really?  Then I prayed.   And the Lord mercifully poured out His peace and reminded me of Psalm 23.   My fears turned to green pastures, still waters, and my soul was restored.   I felt like hitting an "easy button".   Why hadn't I prayed to begin with?   He promised to never leave me nor forsake me, and I was trying to be strong in my own strength after getting frightening news.   I left his office to the hospital preop appointment and then had a nice relaxing lunch with a friend.  

I'm learning more and more that He is faithful.    That being thankful in all things is probably more for my benefit than His.   That I'll never arrive, but will always have to preach to myself of His goodness, His love, and from His Word.   I am praying that He continues to use this for His glory and that my family will always remember this time.   We will have to remind ourselves, of course, because how easily we forget.   Thanks again for all the prayers.  

Golf Tournament

I Don't Want to Die

I’ve never asked any of the doctors what they think my long-term outcome will be of this cancer.   In fact, it took until half way through my treatments to find out I was probably stage 2.   I think I was afraid if the diagnosis was worse, or if they weren’t 100% I’d beat this that I’d focus on dying more than living this year.   For the most part, it’s worked.   There have been a few fleeting moments that I’ve “gone there.”    Today I had one of those moments.   I was sharing with Rusty how sometimes well-meaning people, usually strangers, tell me their story dealing with the same cancer and about half the time they let me know it ends well and sometimes they let me know their family members didn’t make it.   It’s kind of like when you are 9 months pregnant and instead of hearing all the good birth stories you seem to hear every painful, long, drawn-out, horror, labor and delivery story.   Rusty and I have never really talked about the “what if”.    He said he knew, and that even he had done research on the internet.   Now the shocking part of that is that he rarely gets on the computer, nor has he ever desired to be computer savvy.  This carpenter, deputy police officer of mine, just got an e-mail address this past year and rarely even used it.  He doesn’t even remember his password.  So as we both walked arm and arm through the store early this morning, I realized he even had to at least temporarily “go there”.     For a brief moment, as we are looking for the proper wire and beads for a craft I’m working on, I feel myself getting teary-eyed thinking “I don’t want to die.   I really don’t want to die.   I want to grow old with this man of mine.   I want to watch my children grow up, get married, and have some more grandchildren.”   I gather myself together and once again preach to myself.   At first it was just quiet thoughts as I really didn’t want to visit this place in my mind, but then I had to choose to fight.  My time is in His hands.   He knows the desires of my heart and He knows what’s best for me and my family.   I pray it’s to live and not die young.   However, I’ll have to make the choice to live each day whether I get one year or forty more.   I mean really live.   Until you’ve ever faced death, those songs that tell you to live like you were dying sound like pretty good advice.   But after you have had to face your mortality head on, they take on a whole new meaning.    What would I do THIS DAY differently if I knew it was my last.   We never really know, do we?  Would I worry as much about the dirty floors or the unfinished construction in my home that visitors are seeing every time they bring us food?   I definitely wouldn’t worry about stretch marks, gray hair, or wrinkles.  I’d still want to teach my children to love to learn, to want to work hard and well at whatever their hands may do, to be disciplined about nutrition and exercise (but not above all else), to think about what influences they put into their hearts and minds, to serve others, to trust the Lord with all their hearts, and to be thankful in ALL things.   I'd want my husband to know it was worth all the hard times we made it through over the years and that I’d do it again.   I'd want my children to know they were always a blessing to us.   I don’t want to always wish I had done things better.   I don’t want to keep working to be the wife, mom, teacher, etc. that I wish I was and live like tomorrow I may have it more together.   But I want to live with the realization I’ll NEVER be all that I want to be for the Lord, myself, or my family.   However, I can choose to be thankful and find joy in this life despite myself, and try to spill His love wherever I go and on whatever I find my hands busy with.  With all my warts and failures, maybe just maybe, my family will see I know He loved me, really loved me, just as I am and that they too can walk in that freedom throughout their lives.   So today, once again, I’m choosing to thank the Lord for this journey He has me on.   Although, I still really love the school days that go smooth, seeing the laundry floor, and falling into bed with a good bit of my to dos done and done well in a happy, peaceful home.   It’s made me appreciate the birds singing this spring even more than usual; the heavens He’s painted for me sky blue pink are more beautiful; my husband’s company is more satisfying; my children and grandchildren’s laughter is more wonderful; His grace I find even more amazing; His love more abundant; and my joy so much more full.   

...or for worse

When Rusty and I took those vows 26 years ago, I bet he never thought how bad it could get.   I've never called him home from work for myself in the nearly 30 years that we've been together until Monday night.  As a young man, I guarantee he never dreamed he'd have to help his wife with cancer off the bathroom floor into the shower and clean a bathroom covered in vomit.     As he helped me to bed after he called the doctor, I told him I guess he gets to cover the "for worse part" of the vows now, so sorry.    He's never complained nor have the children these past 3 months despite the extra load they've had to carry.  But it has me wondering about the "or for worse" part of the vows even more.

What does the "for worse" look like?   For some, it's the elderly woman caring for her husband with Alzheimer's for as long as she his able.   Then after putting him in a home, she visited him every day until he passed.   For another, it's caring for the other after a horrible accident or illness that's left him/her paralyzed.   Our hearts are touched by the stories we hear of people who care for others in sacrificial ways especially when it costs them much.   How will our relationship hold if we lose a child?  What if his/her business fails, we lose it all, and we go bankrupt?   A child is born with special needs?   We've been married shortly, and now one of us is diagnosed as bipolar?  If there is an affair for which the other party is truly repentant?   The spouse now has addiction issues?   The spouse breaks the law and is sent to jail?  What if the spouse has just become a jerk or depressed ALL THE TIME?   How will the marriage vows hold up then?   I think it's an important part of premarital counseling to discuss if two people would be willing to keep their vows when faced with such difficult circumstances to really prepare a couple that life will get hard.   It's good to be determined to stick together before trouble comes, but it's kind of like going on a diet.  It's really easy to decide at the end of the day before the next meal is before you.  Disciplined dieting is where you have to decide to make a good choice each meal of each day.   Pondering all these circumstances, I couldn't come up with any easy, pat answer but that I'm unsure how you stay strong in any of these circumstances without the strength of the Lord.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."   Ecclesiastes 4:12

Rusty and I decided from the beginning that divorce would never be an option nor part of our vocabulary.  It couldn't be used as a weapon against one another at any time. We haven't had to face many of the troubles that others have, but we've suffered some.   In times of doubt and uncertainty, I've had to dig into the Word and seek wise counsel.    

“Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong."  I Corinthians 13:5

It says in I Corinthians 13:7 that love "always protects."  I don't think that means that love enables, covers over, or hides those things that should be brought to the light. (However, love that protects is being very careful and prayerful of when, where, and with whom, we share “personal” details of our married life that need extra help and wise counsel.) When we want to truly love our spouse, we will protect them by showing honor and respect for their feelings-- not revealing or doing anything that will embarrass them or “cut them down.” When we do that, we are dishonoring them and showing that we don’t value them.

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, 

covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. 

So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”  Malachi 2:16

That is not to say that there aren't many people who would have loved to reconcile and make a relationship work, but the other partner wouldn't participate or they have legitimate reasons (abuse, infidelity) to separate.   This is definitely not a judgment against anyone divorced, because but by the grace of God, that could have been my story.  But I think, as a whole, we are a generation that prefers a life of ease and we run from trouble, difficulties, or stress.   My natural response when things get too overwhelming is to want to quit EVERYTHING!!   However, as I've matured (at least some) over the years, I've learned to press through difficult times.  It may mean things do have to change, but I don't need to give up. 

So how do we push through the "for worse" times of marriage?   For me, again, it's preaching to myself the truth from Scriptures.   I'm reminded He will never leave me nor forsake me.   Therefore, I know whatever I'm facing, He knows and will equip me for every good work.  I must keep looking towards His Word for strength.   Pray.  Pray.  Pray.   Surround myself with others who will encourage me to do what's right and speak truth to me in love even if I don't like it.    Remember I John 3:16 that states, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”   It's not easy, but the Gospel is never more demonstrated to our children when we serve our spouse when they are at their worse.   Rusty's commitment to me when he rushed home, cleaned me up, took off the next day to care for me spoke volumes more to my children about love than any words we could have spoke to them.   Let's strive to stick to our vows, and watch how God blesses us through our obedience.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  Ephesians 5:25-33

Learning Why I Wait

The Lord has taught me patience through many trials over the years.    One of the first big ways was to wait on Him to give us baby # 2 SEVEN YEARS after baby #1.     He has fortunately supplied me with more patience with each child when I thought there would be no way I could handle things well.    Not to say that I don't still blow it, but I've gotten better and the Lord has improved my "vision" on what's really important to make a big deal of and what things really don't matter.   I've learned through the many years of trials and troubles to lean on Him and He truly will supply all that I need according to His riches and glory.  Since finding cancer, life has sped up in some ways and really slowed down in others.    The days have gone fast when they were filled with appointment after appointment.   They've slowed down since I'm too ill to go much of anywhere else and the appointments are not daily any longer.  You would think that means I finally have time to catch up on all the chores and school with the children.....but I still don't have that much energy.   However, our school is clicking along at a much better rhythm since I'm not going to radiation each morning. 

I'll be surprised if my life is the same after cancer as it was before.   I've been forced to stop and smell the roses and I have learned to enjoy this much slower pace.   I didn't realize how much of the load I've carried over the years until I've allowed others to help carry it with me.   For example, my husband does the shopping most of the time now when we run out of things.   My eldest daughter has helped out by shopping with children for their needs for me and my eldest son has run other errands for me.  The days of no interrupting errands have been successful school days and even chores are getting more back on schedule.   What you may not know but before I got the cancer, I was laid off from running a book business for a missionary.   That also took me (with different children on different days) 20-30 hours a week away from home.   Unfortunately, we've had to do some retraining because we got really lax with the children on chores when I was at my sickest.   We accepted half done jobs because we didn't have the energy to follow through.   But I will choose to see that as another opportunity to help my children to become better servants of the Lord instead of ONE MORE THING they aren't getting right.   I usually see their poor habits as my poor parenting.   If I take time to train them correctly, they will learn what is expected.   But it takes time...and time is one of our most valuable assets.   Sometimes, it's the thing I don't want to give all of, but we have to be willing to sacrifice much for our families in order for them to flourish as well tended plants in a garden.

Lest you think I have it all together, I'll let you in on the nitty gritty of our home.  Too many habits got way laid during my sickest months:

• my youngest has to be repotty-trained
• we are working on enforcing bed times again
• working on getting our Classical Conversations memory work back on a daily basis (Mon-Fri)
• they watched too much t.v. and played too many video games which we've finally got back under control
• my little ones went nights without me checking their teeth
• even though I've leaned totally on the Lord, my personal Bible reading has been very hit or miss and we just completed our second week of consistent morning Bible in school.
• the bedrooms have not been mama inspected in so long it will take me probably all of March on the weekends to clean out one room at a time "spring clean" style to get things back in order (including my own!!)
• and we just rediscovered the laundry room floor.

Yet, despite all the short-comings, I'm sooo very thankful for this life the Lord has given me.    Thankful for all the time I get to serve my Lord by serving my family.   Thankful for my family picking up so much of my duties and not complaining.   Thankful for the body of Christ who has consistently blessed us with food and money.   Thankful for all those who worked on and gave towards the spaghetti dinner for us.   Thankful for all the encouraging notes and cards, folks who have given my children rides when they needed them to church or soccer practice, folks who have given clothes, paper products, weekly milk deliveries, and all the prayers.   As hard as this has been, the Lord has poured out so much love to me and my family that I have been totally humbled by the generous outpouring.   So what have I learned?   That I'm still learning, the Lord hasn't given up on me yet (phew, big sigh of relief), that I want to truly life this life with as few as regrets as possible and to succeed I'm going to have to be more wise with my time in the future and weigh all opportunities against if it's going to benefit our family or the Lord in the long run.    Well, its my bed time and I haven't challenged my hubby to a round of cards yet.   Yep, that's fun time for us.   Good night. :D

Jonathan Edwards: “Upon time we should set a high value, and be exceeding careful that it be not lost; and we are therefore exhorted to exercise wisdom and circumspection, in order that we may redeem it. And hence it appears, that time is exceedingly precious.”