Another Chemo Day...and Just Give Me Jesus

It was another day at chemo.   Thankfully my sweet daughter drove me today while she studied and I did my Bible studies, read, and got to know some more people.   One of the sweetest ladies I have met remembered me from 3 months ago when I gave her my card and she sat across from me today.  I found out today she is a pediatrician.   She gave me her card today so we can keep in touch.   She has a great story.   She was diagnosed with bone cancer in 1997 and was given 2-4 years.   Praise God with the advances in cancer research and treatment she is in remission and doing well.   She comes in for I believe preventive measures every 3 months.  I love when she comes in, because she opens the blind wide to let the sunshine in.   I love wide open sunny places.

The other couple I met was a man who was diagnosed with colon cancer in April.   He has two ostomies!   Unfortunately, he is not dealing very well with it.   I tried to be an encouragement to he and his wife, but he was one tough cookie :D.   I will be praying for him.

Overall it was a good day.  I've not been sick yet, and for that I am thankful.

Since going to the "Just Give Me Jesus" conference with Anne Graham Lotz I haven't been able to get rid of the song Just Give Me Jesus sung by Fernando Ortega out of my mind.   I think the Lord had truly prepared me for a personal revival this year.   Between the cancer, certain Bible studies, and the Henry Blackaby book "Fresh Encounter" I've been reading, my heart was really prepared for a fresh Word last Saturday.   Thanking the Lord that He continues to reach out to us, doesn't give up on us, and gives us a hunger for Him and His Word.   I WAS that wicked wretch that He set free in "Amazing Grace".   It's my heart that wanders in "Come thou Fount of every Blessing".   It's the cry of my heart in all circumstances, like Mary looking for His body, to "Just Give Me Jesus!"   Of course, it's my longing for my husband and children, family and friends to be passionately in love with Him all their lives too.   That they will say all their lives "waking or sleeping, Thy presence my Light!" as in "Be Thou My Vision".  Let us shine His light wherever we go, in all circumstances, during every season, for all our lives.   He is worthy!!

Old German Hymn

What God hath done, it is well done
His will is always just,
Whatever He will do to me,
In Him I'll ever place my trust.

from "Bonhoeffer, Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy."   Dietrich's mother 
played this at his older brother's funeral during WWI.  

Eye for an Eye and other Ramblings from the homefront

I have only two treatments left.   I am beyond excited.   I finally asked the doctor the "then what" question.    First I will have to get my surgery so I will no longer have an iliostomy.   That, my friends, is a date I am ecstatic about.   Then he said for three years I will have to be checked every 3 months on my blood levels and every 6 months scans.  If nothing shows up, I'll be considered cancer free.   I didn't ask if not, because my mind cannot even fathom more chemo treatments at this time.  I'm remaining hopeful that I am healed and am camping there until further notice.

We have been reading through "Fresh Encounters" by Henry Blackaby in a Women's small group on Wednesday nights, and boy has it been good.   We are only on Chapter 5, but the level of conviction concerning my prayer life is huge.  I cannot recommend this book enough for anyone who is ready for a revival in their spiritual life. It's good stuff!

Last week while playing wiffle ball at the park, my strong 17 year old soon hit the ball into my 13 year old daughter's eye (she was pitching!).   She cried no less than an hour and off and on for hours she was in so much pain.  She didn't get a full blown black eye but I think that was because of the icing we did.  She did get a light black eye and her eye was blood red for days.   Two days ago, the kiddos were playing basketball out front and she accidentally poked the same son in the eye and scratched it.   It was also quite nasty!   He had to wear an eye patch yesterday.  I joked with them that we don't believe in an eye for an eye, because then the whole world would be blind.   Seriously though, they didn't heap guilt on each other and forgave each other rather quickly.   After all, they were just accidents.  

Yesterday I slept almost the entire day away.   Meanwhile, the kiddos had  yard sale and made about $30.  They are working on saving money for the Jamaica mission trip that Timothy wants to go on.  Nicholas may too but that depends if he gets picked for an apprenticeship next summer at Polyface Farms.  We will know October 1st.  I did wake up enough to take the yard sale leftovers they loaded into the back of the Suburban to Goodwill.  Then back to sleep.  Then I woke up enough to watch a bit of "The Patriot" and then see the Gators whoop up on Tennessee.    Then I fell back asleep.   Saw the munchkins off to church this morning, the hubby off to work, and am looking at all that needs to be done.  That's the stinky thing about being sickly.   You want to do all the chores that are "shouting" at you to be done, but you just can't move.   The kiddos do a great job keeping up most things, but it's not "mama" done.   So my 2nd load of pears that need to be canned may have to wait a few more days, my latest sewing project will wait, along with all the other little things that need to be done, and that's okay.   (At least that's what I'll keep telling myself so I don't nut up, ha ha.)

Thanks again for all the prayers.   I will continue to preach to myself the good news of Jesus Christ, and have found the Lord to be near, my Provider, my Strength, and my Song.    

Excellence

There can be no excellence in man, 

but so far as he is influenced by God's law:

without it, the greater his natural powers

and abilities are, 

he is but so much the more

detestable and mischievous.

~John Newton

Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

Any time I sing a hymn or worship song to the Lord, I really think about the words.   It's the same reason I have a hard time just singing just any song.   I want to be sure of what I am singing.  I want to sing to Jesus the words with all my heart.  When I quote Scripture, I want to speak with confidence the words that I am saying. Over the years I have said Psalm 23 many times, and have taught my children to memorize it.   However, since diagnosed with cancer I can say I've chewed on "through the valley of the shadow of death" a bit more.   It's easy to "feel" that you won't fear evil when you are on the mountain praising Him.   But what about when you are trudging through the valley?

My family loves shark week on television.   Believe it or not, the first year we watched it was at our beach vacation.   What an easy week for me watching children on the shore after that night!   This year during shark week, we watched a show about 3 soldiers that were shot down during WWII and were stranded in the ocean for 47 days.   They had few rations.   They were in rubber life rafts in the middle of the ocean!  The pilot had a major head wound, and they were continually surrounded by sharks.   The pilot was a Christian who taught the others hymns, Bible verses, etc.   The Italian catholic, who was an olympic medal winner before the army, gave his life to Jesus at some point in their wanderings.  But the 3rd soldier was always worried.   He kept saying they weren't going to make it, and that they were going to die.   The others talked about life.   The olympic soldier even "cooked" for them each meal.  He would tell how his mom made lasagna and give all the details.  He would describe the bacon cooking in the morning.   Although their bodies were withering away, their skin cooked, their lips and eyes cracked, two of them kept believing the Lord would make a way and were hopeful.   If you have a chance to watch it, it's a great story so I won't give away all the details.   But the main thing that I walked away with is that the two that were full of Hope lived.   The third who kept believing they would die...died.   They were in a vast ocean with the shadow of death always surrounding their boats, but two of them held on to the Lord, hoped, and lived to tell about it.   If they had not made it, they lived their last days in hope and not despair.

While I have been walking through this year with Satan whispering "death" in my ears and casting shadows on my way, I have found that I really am not in fear.   Not because of anything I have done, but praise God the Psalmist is right on.    He is with me!!    I love Him!  He has filled my heart with hope.   I am going to cling to Him for He is my life raft.   Psalm 31:24 tells us to be strong and take courage, all who fear the Lord.   Romans 8:35 says "Who shall separate us from the love of God?  shall tribulation or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?"   Nothing can separate us from His love.   Not cancer, not the bad economy, not broken appliances, not even my imperfect ways.  Of course, I could ignore His goodness towards me, begin naval gazing and feel very discouraged, unloved, and mistreated.   Forget that!   I am going to keep my heart towards the Lord, rest in His provision for all things, trust His heart when I don't understand His ways, and live in His peace and joy.    I am choosing to dance through the storm.

 

Chemo day # 4 of 8

We had a great vacation with family.   We returned Monday and now I'm sitting in a recliner at the oncologist's office receiving chemo.     I am so thankful to be half way finished this round, and at the same time it feels like I'll never be done.   By the time I finish and have surgery, I will have a whole year consumed with cancer.   Consumed was really only the possibility.   We didn't allow it to define our family.  To be such a difficult year, it has been a fantastic year.  We did have interruptions, but we tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible for the children.   I am laughing inside at writing normal.   What is normal for a large, home schooling family?

Silly faces

Today I thought I'd write about my iliostomy.    That has been one of the hardest adjustments during this journey.   You are vomiting from the chemo, and having to deal with your own smells.   It's like a cruel joke.   Everything else in life I decide I am going to do it and I do.  But dealing with this new attachment took me a long time.   When I decided to home school 24 years ago, my family thought I was nuts.   However, once the decision was made that this was the path for our family.   I studied, prayed, and even now continually learn to strive to do a good job.  When I decided to join a Protestant church after growing up Catholic, I did it.   When I decided not to do all the vaccines, I did it despite the protests.  When I decided to have as many children as God gave us despite our income, 7 years of infertility, and the 5 losses, we welcomed all 8 children.  Although I never knew anyone who nursed when I had children, I decided to nurse.   I wasn't successful with the first but was determined to figure it out with the next.   When I decided to have a VBAC 19 years ago, I did against the odds.  When we decided to home birth, we figured it out and did it.  Over the course of our marriage to save money, I learned to make our own bread and yogurt.   I learned to stretch our income to make healthy meals from scratch.   Stating all the above not to brag, but to say I am always willing to learn, change, and overcome odds to do what I feel needs to be done.   But when it came to this bag I had to wear, I allowed a friend to come to my home every 3 days to change it for nearly four months!!   I willingly inconvenienced someone because I just couldn't deal with it.  Now she will tell you it was her pleasure, but it was still one more thing she had to do two to three days a week.   Unlike myself who normally sees what has to be done and figures out how to do it, I was really good with the set up.  However, one night, the bag made a huge mess in my bed and I couldn't bring myself to call her in the middle of the night (although I had called her in the past near midnight).    I knew it was time to face up to the stoma and do it myself.   I knew what to do, because I prepared everything before she even came.   It's now just another normal part of  my schedule.   (Although I still look forward to the reversal in the fall after chemo.)   What did I learn?  1) that surprisingly I would allow someone to serve me for that long.   2)   Eventually you have to face up to the hard stuff in life.   3)  That God will enable you to do what you thought you would never do.  4)   If you look, you can still find Light in the dark days and there really is joy in the journey.

P.S. A special thank you goes out to Christine Rutherford, my faithful bag changing friend, who literally dealt with me and my crap for 4 months with a smile.   I no longer have to call you and say "hey, can we talk crap?"   Love you!!
 

Guest Blogging at the Purposeful Mom

I wrote an article for The Purposeful Mom blog.   It's titled "Finding Joy through Cancer".  You can visit it here.   Today was my birthday and it was a wonderful day indeed.   Tomorrow is the last day of our vacation.   It has been a blessed, restful week.   Thanking the Lord for a fabulous week with my family and friends. 

Vacation 2012

This year has been such a year of new things.    Besides all the changes that cancer brings to your life, this is our first year of vacation without two of our children.   I always joke with my children "why do you have to grow up so fast!" and I really felt it this year with our beach picture missing 2 adult children.

I haven't written as much the last few weeks.   I have been busy!   Spent a full week recovering from chemo treatment.   Then I helped at the 5th and 6th grade retreat that my 6th grader went to along with two of my teenagers who also volunteered.  Follow up doctor visits, dentist appointments, late birthday movie with my 11 year old and his friends, and preparing for the beach trip filled up the next week.   It's always a lot of preparation to leave with a crowd.   We like to leave the house "company" clean so we come home to a fresh home.   We plan our meals ahead of time so we don't spend a lot of money on food.   We don't even like to leave the beach the entire week.   It's a total week of games, relaxation, waves, and sand.

The older I get the more I want to hold on to each moment with my children.    When my eldest was 15 and I had 5 more children 8 years of age and under, time was a blur of diapers, laundry, school, meals, etc.   It was a wonderful, busy time that went much faster than I would've ever imagined.   Now to have a baby already three years of age, the oldest 26, and two grand babies I have a more realistic perspective of how time flies.   I want to redeem this time and try to make every moment count for eternity with my family.    I want to be more thankful than ever for the opportunities to train them.   I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be given the priviledge to train these arrows, but also feel the weight of the seriousness of this responsibility.

But this week, I am just relishing in the time we have together as a family with my sister, two of her children, and the time we get to spend with a nearly life long friend.   I really miss my oldest two, but am enjoying the time we are having.   We met our family's friend in Germany when we were very young and she allows us to stay in her home each year.   We are blessed by her generosity and enjoy her company so very much.   My children think of her as an aunt, and I as a younger sister.

 “O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; 

let me know how fleeting I am!  

Psalm 39:4

I will spend my birthday on the beach this year, and not even think about my next treatment due when I return.  Life is good....because God is good.    Therefore, I am going to rest in Him and purpose to enjoy every minute of this week that has been given to us.   Until next time, Michelle

3 down 5 to go! Great day at Chemo.

Chairein!  This is James salutation in the Greek in James 1. It means joy to you.  What a great way to say hello don't you think?  Thanks again to everybody who supports us in prayers, gifts of time & money, meals, and more.   We have been overwhelmed by your generosity.

True confession:   I have been really struggling going back this round of chemo.  The first time I wrestled less knowing I had a huge tumor in me that had to be shrunk fast in order to do surgery.  But since surgery, I miss eating salads and fresh vegetables due to my ostomy.   We try to eat as healthy as our finances can afford for our large family and my mind is having a hard time believing this bland diet is good for me fighting cancer.  I miss nuts too.   We rarely take any medication and we've done few to no immunizations.   Chemo has caused my low blood pressure to be ~145/92 since this round!   I walk most nights trying to get this back down but to no avail.  Chemo has not been an easy choice to begin with.   I've been shown lots of alternatives and have done a lot of research.    I've been praying the Lord would show me what to do. Please Lord give me your wisdom.   Well, I slept so much after this last dose that I just knew my levels would be too low again.   So, I told the Lord if they are too low I am telling the doctor that it's just not working for me and I need to see what alternatives I have... specifically a nutritional route.   However, if my levels are good, I am going to choose to continue the course prescribed unless I just don't have the peace of the Lord.   Would you believe although many of my levels were very low they weren't too low to continue.   DOGGONE IT!   But God had other plans for me today...it was a glorious day at chemo.   I met a single young mother named Tina with two young children who is suffering through breast cancer.   She lost her job as a nurse's aide.   She's been told it's her fault she has cancer. The Lord gave me the opportunity to be an ear to a hurting soul.  Although she is very shy and I was 2 hours sitting next to her before I even got a word, eventually she shared her hurts, doubts, and fears.   She told me she is a believer so I told her she'd have to do what I do and start preaching the Truth to herself.    She is a child of the King who loves her.   We live in a fallen world and bad things happen, BUT GOD who loves us with an everlasting love will never leave us nor forsake us.  He is our provider and shared scriptures of hope with her.  I reminded her that the future for a Christian is as bright as the promises of God.   Have you ever noticed how you share faith with others that your own is bolstered as well?   Then she gave me the privilege of praying for her.   Please lift her up as well.   After that I was able to speak to a woman with lung cancer who had a huge mass in her chest.   She has been so sick that she has lost nearly 50#!  She just can't eat.   She was in the hospital 17 days after her first treatment!!   Well, they decided they needed to giver her body a break for a bit before finishing her treatments.   They did a cat scan to see how she was responding and I got to hear great news!!   The doctor said when you compare her first scan which appeared to cover her entire chest to the new scan that they saw NOTHING!!   Her daughter started hollering hallelujah!   Oh, how we all rejoiced!   If I had canceled my chemo today, I would have missed out on some wonderful, divine appointments.  I interacted with 7 patients today that I would have never known, finished a C.S. Lewis book, and my husband and I had a birthday breakfast with my 11 year old before my appt.  I was able to visit with my mom who brought me lunch at chemo.   While I was gone, the older children mowed the yard today, put leftover spaghetti in the crock pot for dinner this morning, and they kept the house clean.  After I returned and napped, they got their math and reading accomplished despite me! What a fantastic day to be poisoned :).  

Above All Things Put On Charity

Think gently of the erring;
And let us not forget,
However darkly stained by sin,
He is our brother yet.

Heir of the same inheritance,
Child of the self-same God;
He hath but stumbled in the path,
Which we in weakness trod.

Speak gently to him, brother.
Thou yet may'st lead him back,
With holy words, and tones of love,
From mis'ry's thorny track.

Forget not, thou hast often sinn'd,
And sinful yet must be;
Deal gently with the erring one,
as God has dealt with thee.
              ~Anonymous   (Found in The Rescue of Jessica's Mother on 
                                                    London Bridge,1867)

Disclaimer to Battle Plans Post

By the way, if you read my posts and get this dream picture of what an amazing person I am, please know that I fail and fall like everyone else.   In fact, due to an ostomy disaster this morning, my blood pressure which is always low was high due to my response to the mess I had to deal with.   I am as real as you and I stumble, I trip, and I fall all the time.   I struggle to keep up with my housework.  I do school through the summer to keep us on track.   I don't always juggle my responsibilities well and have been known to forget to pay a bill.  The battle plan post is about the things I preach to myself and choose to do as I turn to the Lord to meet all my needs.   Thanks for the sweet comments they do encourage me but I'm as much as a work in progress as you.    The good news is you can serve a God, Jesus Christ, who loves even cracked pots such as ourselves in order for His light to shine through.

Chemo Day & Cancer Battle Plans

A while back I told what it was like to get radiation. Today I'll give you details on a chemo day. When you come in to the cancer center for the first time, you realize you have entered a world you never really thought about or envisioned. After you get weighed (again) and all vitals checked, you may or may not have a visit with the doctor. Afterwards, you head to the treatment room where there are lots of chairs with i.v. bars nearby. You will also see all kinds of people. Cancer does not discriminate in any way. Then the fun begins. If you have a port like myself and your blood levels were high enough, you get stuck and the poisons begin to head on in. Others get their chemo through their veins. People read, nap, listen to music or watch movies on their computers, talk to the person who brought them, etc. Many people keep to themselves, but every now and then you get someone to talk to and hear their story. My visit lasts 4 to 5 hours. You get to know the nurses fairly well and they are really great with everyone. I have been chewing on lately the thought that I am "battling cancer." When my mind envisions a battle, I think of making war plans and pondering good strategies to win the fight. Below are some of the tactics I have been using in hopes of a victory.

1) Being thankful. I Thess. 5:18 says "In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." How can we give thanks for cancer? For me it's easier than I thought. I have been surrounded by love like never before since my diagnosis. My children have seen the Lord provide our every need. Besides when you focus on the good of each day, doesn't it seem to change your attitude and it tends to bring joy into your soul. It doesn't mean that every day is easy or that I enjoy driving the porcelain bus or being exhausted.   It means finding the good the Lord does send you each day.

2) Laugh...A Lot. Proverbs 17:22. "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I love a good laugh and fortunately our family laughs a lot. A gentleman told me this week that one of the things some of the folks at church have been surprised about is that whenever they see me I am smiling and how it blessed them. I told him that I am choosing to be happy no matter the results. If I don't make it, I don't want my children's memories of me to be of sadness, stress, fear, anxiety, depression, anger, etc. My younger children may only remember this year if I was to pass. I want them to remember playing games, taking walks, ewing and awing over sunsets, starry nights and little babies. I want them to remember us laughing while living life together. I want them to see how the Lord is really with you when you go through trials and that you can trust Him in all things.

 3) Make healthy choices. Whether it's food, physical or spiritual exercise. I even need to make great mental choices....Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." That narrows down my television, reading, and music choices. This verse keeps me from seeing others with a critical eye and talking about others. This may all sound restricting, but it's really freeing. It helps me "see" the good around me.

4) Resting in His Wisdom  On front of one of the magazines at the doctor's office today, there was a caption of Sharon Osbourne saying she would not let her son die. I thought really....you believe life and death is in your hands? Wow! I am praying for victory, but I realize that sometimes God uses defeats to accomplish His purposes in our lives. Ps 37:23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. No matter how things look I know God has a plan. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Even Jesus' followers thought His death was a defeat not yet understanding what a victory it was. I found the following illustration a while back from a sermon I read and thought it was a great example of what may have seemed like a disastrous life brought forth a great man.

At the age of seven, he had to go to work to help support his family. At nine, his mother died. At twenty-two, he lost his job as a store clerk. At twenty-three, he went into debt and became a partner in a small store. At twenty-six, his partner died leaving him a huge debt. By the age of thirty-five, he had been defeated twice when running for a seat in Congress. At the age of thirty-seven, he won the election. At thirty-nine, he lost his reelection bid. At forty-one, his four-year-old son died. At forty-two, he was rejected for a land officer role. At forty-five, he ran for the Senate and lost. At forty-seven, he was defeated for the nomination for Vice President. At forty-nine, he ran for Senate again and lost again. At the age of fifty-one, he was elected President of the United States. During his second term of office, he was assassinated. But his name lives on among the greats in U.S. history--Abraham Lincoln.

I'm still believing in the Lord's victory over this disease in my body. I am not lacking faith. I feel as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego did in Daniel 3:17-19 "our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. 18 But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.” I do believe God can heal me. Until He tells me otherwise, I believe He is willing. But if not, I still choose to praise Him.

5) Trusting in His Providence This was one of the words the children learned in VBS. The dictionary defines providence as "the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth. God, especially when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence." I love this definition because He is a wise and benevolent Father who watches over us. You can trust Him. What battle are you in? Whatever it is I hope that you can find some things to be thankful for, that you can laugh, that you make wise choices, that you find His peace, and that you trust in His providence.

New Free Raffle - 2 "Hymns Songs You Know By Heart"

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Five Deadliest Myths About Colorectal Cancer

TRUTH:   Colon Cancer is the #2 cause of cancer related deaths in men and women!

Myth #1:   Only Old People Get it

Statistically, your odds are greater as you age but 7% of people get it younger than 50.   (Yep, I'm in the 7%!)


Myth #2:  Colorectal Cancer is a Man's Disease

Nope, an equal opportunity disease striking men & women with similar frequency.


Myth #3:  No One in My Family Ever Had Colorectal Cancer, so I'm Not At Risk

80% of people who get this cancer did not have it in their family before.

Myth #4:  I Don't Need to Worry, I feel Fine

This is the worst myth of all.   The average-risk individual's colorectal cancer begins as a polyp that transforms over the course of years into cancer.   Don't wait until you feel bad to get screened. 
(That's what I did.   I had felt fatigued for a loong time but blew it off as busy mom, lots of children, home schooling, etc.  It wasn't until I had changed stools and blood did I get checked and then it was a huge tumor the size of a man's fist.)

Myth #5:   Colorectal Cancer Always Starts with Blood in the Stool

This is based on some reality but you cannot always see the blood.   It may be microscopic.   Some don't bleed at all.


Good News:   90% of colon cancer is curable when caught early enough.    Please be sure to get a colonoscopy when your doctor recommends or earlier if you have any symptoms.   I know it seems embarrassing, but you are out of it when it's done and it's a lifesaver.

Also, although colon cancer is a scary disease, don't walk in fear.   II Timothy 1:7 states that God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Information found at "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Colorectal Cancer", by Mark Bennett Pochapin, M.D.

Tordoff Tournament for Cancer - June 9th

It seemed surreal that a golf tournament was even being planned for us.  Someone, Mychelle Vaughn, whom I met a few years earlier in a Women's Sunday School class found out I had cancer and felt led to do this huge undertaking.  We were both new at Kiokee 3 years ago.   She said I wrote her an encouraging note that she keeps in her Bible still.  To be honest, I have no memory of it.  I do remember praying with and for her.  Never underestimate the power of kindness and how the Lord may use it to bless you!

I had chemo the Monday before the tournament and felt great that day.   Tuesday came and I honestly thought "yes, no side effects for me this time."   Then Wednesday came.   Let me just say that being that sick and having an ostomy bag should be an illegal combination.  Thursday the sickness continues.   We were wondering if I would be able to make it and asked for prayer.   Friday I was slightly nauseated but WORLDS better than before.   I could finally touch and drink cold items which I could not due to the side effects of one of my "poisons".  I had enough energy to "move".   My mom's good friend Sally said it right when she said there is no good way to explain the kind of tired that chemo gives you but all poured out and empty comes close .  The bone pain from the shot to build my white blood cell count began this day mostly in my right femur.   We were happy to wake up Saturday not ill.  We had to get up early to meet at Bojangles.  When we arrived there were motorcycles and a Fox 54 news reporter.   My mother, my daughter Cindy's family, and my brother-in-law Wendell also met us.  We ate breakfast and then were told that we were being escorted to the event.   Besides Wendell, I didn't know but one other person that showed up that morning to spend their hard earned money to ride their own bike to our golf tournament.   We thanked a lot of strangers for showing up.  My children were pretty excited and Emily, 7, loved the sparkly helmet and the bedazzled motorcycle.

We took a 30 minute ride out to the golf course and were shocked to see how many people were already there. 

We walked up and were greeted by Mychelle who introduced us to some of the many people who helped her.   One of the groups she worked with was "The Sons of Thunder".   They seemed genuinely excited to meet us and to be able to do this for us.   Their love for the Jesus and others was apparent immediately.  After introducing me surrounded by my family, Bernard Martin shared scriptures and then they surrounded me and prayed.   The Holy Spirit showed up.

Then they told me that I was to begin the tournament and then the golfers were off.   My mother, daughter and her two children, my eldest son (who worked all night the night before) and his girlfriend, and my 4 youngest children hung around the club house. I needed to stay out of the sun and my bone pain was spreading.   Rusty, Nicholas, and Timothy played on a team with a friend.  Brandon, my son-in-law, his father and two other friends were on another team.  Many of Rusty's friends and coworkers from Richmond county showed up this day to support us.  All the children had a blast!   It was such a beautiful spring day, blue skies, white puffy clouds, and a wonderful breeze.

The golfers finished around one and lunch was served.   My good friend Frankie and her family showed up a bit before this time along with my son-in-law's mother and sister. Afterwards, they handed out the trophies and prizes. It was a lot of fun.  Then they auctioned off a lot of donated things and we couldn't believe the generosity of so many.   We were beyond touched. 

We got home around 3:30 or 4 and rested until 5.  We then left to Crazy Turks for dinner. This restaurant offered to give us 10% of proceeds that day for folks who put their receipts in the donation box.  We had delicious food and lots of great laughs.

They did the rest of the raffle here.  They also sold t-shirts and hero cards which they are continuing to sell for us!

I know I've forgotten many details and don't even know where to begin thanking so many people.   Forgive me.  But we are so very grateful to everyone involved making this day a fantastic memory for our family.   We won't ever forget how special everyone made us feel.   After the tournament, they decided the Tordoff Tournament Against Cancer would be an annual event and next year we'd get to help another family.  I can't wait to bless somebody else the way we've been blessed.

To hear the entire interview you may need speakers.   Below it is the version that made t.v.

When it Rains, it pours .... like a Hurricane!

Chemo went fine Monday and I thought that this time around I was immune to the side effects.  I prayed I would be :D.   Tuesday was great.   Wednesday and Thursday were awful.   In fact, they are a blur.   I cannot believe two days have past that I was so ill.   In fact, I threatened not to go back.   Today I am queasy and tired, but not dying feeling.  Meanwhile, I awoke this morning to find out my husband's cabinet shop was broken into.   ONE.....MORE.......THING.......really?      His spray guns are gone and a box of tools.    They suspect they may be back for the big stuff.  I am so tired from the chemo but strangely enough, still encouraged.    Maybe it's the encouraging notes I get in the mail while still in the storm, the regular influx of meals, or even the big gift we got yesterday.   I am sure I didn't even seem very grateful.   I was so very sick.  Yesterday a sister in Christ delivered gloves, gauze, the shirts my children needed for camp, an outfit each for my two smallest, laundry detergent, dish washing detergent, dish washer detergent, and $40 towards tennis shoe for the boys.   The storm is raging.   The robbery felt like sneaky sideways hurricane winds.   But God....He is here.   And I am thankful. 

Psalm 103

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and all that is within me,
    bless his holy name!
²  Bless the Lord, O my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits,
³ who forgives all your iniquity,
    who heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit,
    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
⁵ who satisfies you with good
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

⁶ The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all who are oppressed.
⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
    his acts to the people of Israel.
⁸ The Lord is merciful and gracious,
    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
⁹  He will not always chide,
    nor will he keep his anger forever.
¹⁰ He does not deal with us according to our sins,
    nor repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
    so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father shows compassion to his children,
    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
¹⁴ For he knows our frame;
    he remembers that we are dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
    he flourishes like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
    and its place knows it no more.
¹⁷ But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
    and his righteousness to children's children,
¹⁸ to those who keep his covenant
    and remember to do his commandments.
¹⁹ The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
    and his kingdom rules over all.

²⁰ Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
    you mighty ones who do his word,
    obeying the voice of his word!
²¹ Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
    his ministers, who do his will!
²²  Bless the Lord, all his works,
    in all places of his dominion.
   Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Preaching to Myself Tonight

Went to chemo #1 of 8 in this second round of poison with my Aunt Fran.    Thanking her so much to hang with me since she lives north of Atlanta and just wants to bless me by taking me each visit the way my Aunt Joan from Alaska did last time.   Need prayers to get white blood count up since they want to give me a shot on Wednesday to up my counts (ouch!).   Also need prayers not to dehydrate.   Tricky stuff with meds that make you sick and other meds that constipate.    It gets even more complicated when you have an ostomy.   Overall tonight, I'm just tired and having a hard time drinking without strange pain (side effect of one of the meds).   Thanks for all the prayers....I know I could be much worse.   Praising God in the storm!

13 years ago today God did a MIRACLE in my home. After 13 minutes of praying, fear, desperation, heart breaking agony, He breathed life back into Praise. She wasn't expected to walk or talk. She had a seizure at birth but was off seizure medication in 6 months. She went to her first OT appt and they released her because she was ahead of the game. She went in for a scan on her head for her hydrocephalus to get information on how they were going to place the shunt, and she was HEALED! Thanking the Lord today for the gift of Praise! We love you.

I know God can heal...He healed Praise, healed Nicholas who was blind in an eye from being shot with a bb gun, had angels catch Michael when he fell into an orchestra pit as a baby, my mother's recovery from her major stroke, my dad's recovery from major heart surgery, and so much more.   I also know sometimes He chooses not to heal as in the five blessings we were given that didn't make it to birth.   I choose to praise Him for the answered and unanswered prayers.  Until He says no I am praying He chooses to give me a longer life to raise my children and pour into a bunch of grandbabies.   I am believing He is my Healer.  

I asked the Lord....a hymn from John Newton

Click here if you want to hear the music while you read the words. 

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and every grace,
Might more of his salvation know,
And seek more earnestly his face.

`Twas he who taught me thus to pray
And he I know has answered prayer,
But he has answered in a way
That almost drove me to despair.

I'd hoped that in some favored hour
My lord would answer my request,
And by his love's constraining pow'r
Control my sins and give me rest.

Instead of this he made me feel
The hidden evil of my heart,
He let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in every part!

Then with his own strong hand he seemed
Intent to multiply my woes,
Blocked all the grand designs I schemed,
Crushed all my dreams, and laid me low,

"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
"Will you pursue this worm to death?"
"This is the way." The Lord replied,
"I answer prayers for grace and faith.

"These inward trials I employ,
From self and pride to set you free.
I break your plans of earthly joy,
That you may find your all... in me."

Called Out & Called Names

   My boys and I were discussing Matthew 4 last night where Jesus walked by and saw Peter and his brother Andrew fishing.  He called them to follow Him and he would make them fishers of men.  James and John were even repairing their nets with their father Zebedee when Jesus called them out.  I asked them if they could imagine working with their own father helping to build cabinets.   A stranger strolls by and calls them out and tells them to follow him, and he would make them builders of men.   Imagine dropping it all, leaving your Dad and following him.   They had opinions of how their father would handle that!   Zebedee must have seen or sensed that this was a call from God on their life or I cannot imagine he would not have tried to stop them.   I can imagine Zebedee coming home, his wife finishing up dinner and asking where her sons are.   He may have answered, "Oh a stranger named Jesus came by and asked them to go with him.   And they went!"    It made us just chew on the thought of what it must have been like to have been drawn like that.

  Then we discussed how cool it would have been to be called the "Sons of Thunder."  (I wish you could hear the way I would say it....slow, almost a whisper, full of power and mystery.)  It doesn't really tell us why Jesus called them Sons of Thunder, but having five boys I have lots of ideas.   I wonder if they were tough guys.   My boys (and girls) from the time they were little if they fell, got hit, or hurt at the church that we belonged to for 16 years you would hear an adult say something like "Oh my!" with a bit of a gasp.   Then another parent who focused in well on the situation would usually say something like "oh, it's okay, it's a Tordoff."   It's not that we didn't allow them to cry if they were hurt, but I guess because we didn't allow a lot of "drama" that maybe they decided they were too busy playing to cry most of the time.   I really don't know?     I also wonder if James and John weren't what we would call strong willed or stubborn.   Remember at one time they wanted to call down lightning from heaven and destroy some people that were causing problems.   What we would call a problem child, He may have seen the strength they had when directed and focused rightly.  I want my guys to be strong-willed against evil and stubborn for the Truth.    

     I went to bed chewing on these thoughts.    We were all called out when we were saved, weren't we?  Our jobs and environment may not have changed, but we changed and are continually being changed.    We have challenges and struggles in this life.  The Lord uses these challenges to sanctify us.   We may want to fight back like the Sons of Thunder, but the Lord wants us to be like Him full of grace and mercy.    There will be times when like the Sons of Thunder we must confront with hard truths from Scripture, but it must be done in love for the purpose of change.  I also hope that when we are called out to do "hard things" that we don't hesitate to obey.   I would have wanted to get the okay from my Dad when I had been called out from the boat.   Then I'd go home to say goodbye and hug my mom.   I'd get all my affairs in order, pack my bags, etc.   But what Jesus wanted them to do was simply obey.   Phew, I hope I would have and pray I will.  

  We may not have a cool name like "the Son of Thunder" but the Lord lovingly calls us "children of God".     What a wonderful name!

See what kind of love 

the Father has given to us, 

that we should be called 

children of God; 

and SO WE ARE.  I John 3: 1 

Waiting on the Lord

"Light shines in the darkness 

for the godly.

 They are generous, 

compassionate, and righteous..

..They do not fear 

bad news; they confidently trust 

the LORD to care for them." 

—Psalm 112:4,7