2012 Tordoff Holiday Letter

Greetings to the saints, faithful friends and family.  Grace, mercy, and peace to you all from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ our Saviour.    2012 has been the hardest and best year ever.   A week before Christmas last year I found out I had colorectal cancer.   It should have filled me with incredible fear knowing 2 of my grandparents died of the same cancer at ages not too very far from my own, but God.   I had also been laid off from work a couple of months earlier, and I wouldn’t be able to look for more work for a long time.   How would we make ends meet?  He gave me an incredible peace even from the beginning.   The tumor was too large to operate on right away so I went nearly six weeks of chemo and radiation to attempt to shrink the tumor.   On April 11^th I went in and had surgery.  I complained to the doctor about how painful it was weeks afterwards.   I let him know I did much better after my c-sections and did not understand why I wasn’t feeling pain free and energetic yet.   He laughed and let me know that my comparison of my surgery and a c-section was like comparing it to having my teeth cleaned.   Well then, I guess I was on track, :D!   The tumor they removed was as big as a large man’s fist.   About six weeks out from surgery, I began chemo again this time with an iliostomy….a cruel and unusual combination.   I’ll spare you the gruesome details.     After 8 treatments over about a 10 week period, I rested another month, and then had my reverse ostomy surgery (basically got my plumbing fixed) the day before Thanksgiving.   While you were eating turkey and fixings, I was sucking on ice chips and just as thankful as could be.   I was alive and cancer free.   Praise God!  Since then, I’ve just been recovering from surgery while getting back into the swing of school, home making, and caring for my family.  Somehow, we made it this year without me working.   I didn’t even cook from January through April due to meals given to us from friends and family.  We were given various financial gifts throughout the year.   A golf tournament was

given for us in June that paid for our heating and air conditioner to be replaced.  And even when the meals and money gifts quit, God provided!  Books that sat on Amazon for over a year would sell in a week that we had pressing needs, or an insurance check we didn’t even remember would show up just in the nick of time.  

Even our tax refund was just what we needed to give us the suburban without getting into any debt.   This was a tough year, but God taught me so much.  Overwhelmingly, He blessed me with all the above including His peace and Hope when I felt so sick that giving up didn’t look too bad.   The love shown to me through Rusty & the children through their constant care for me and all the details of running a home will never be forgotten.  Thanks to all for the prayers and support.   We definitely felt the love!  Now to update you on the munchkins.

John Russell, 19 and working, moved out this year.  How’d he grow up so fast?  He works stocking at Kirklands a few days a week, and builds cabinets with his Dad the other days.  He continues to enjoy working out, and hanging out with friends and visiting us!  

Nicholas is 17 and a senior in high school this year.   He is allowing me one more year to be sure he finishes well.    We are looking into him dual enrolling in college this next year while we tie up all the loose ends.   He has been a great help this past year in keeping things in order.

Timothy, 15, is in his freshmen year.   He and Praise were the tag team chefs many days this year.   He and Nicholas have enjoyed the “Lord of the Ring” marathon this month and were both excited to see “The Hobbit” when it came out last night.  He’s a hard worker, and he keeps us laughing.

Praise, 13, is in 8^th grade.   She is still a voracious reader.   She has just begun getting into the “Lord of the Rings” series so she can watch the movies.  She has gotten so much taller this year along with her brothers.   She was also a huge help this past year.

Michael, 11, is in the 6^th grade.  He is playing basketball this season and loves it.    He also got glasses this year and looks quite studious.   He still enjoys riding bikes (usually with Praise).   He is a hard worker, and tag teamed with the others to keep things on track this year.

Emily, 7, is in second grade.  She loves for me to sit with her so she can read to me.   She enjoys playing babies with Rylie, coloring, and playing outside.

Christopher, 3, is our silly fella.  He keeps us in stitches with all his antics.   He loves to eat, be read to, and play hard with Jackson and his brothers.

Cindy's family is doing great.  I had the privilege of pinning Cindy during her graduation ceremony from nursing school.  Rylie is in first grade at Augusta Christian and excelling.  Jackson, all rough and tough boy, is a happy, smiley 4 year old.

Our family is doing something very different this year.   We are not doing Christmas gifts but going on vacation for 3 days, 2 nights in the mountains.   We planned on it early in the year.   Honestly, I wanted to make sure we made a great memory just in case things didn’t turn out as well as they have.   My family including my grown ones and grandbabies, my mom & Randy, Sandi’s family, Brian’s family, Aunt Fran & Uncle Mike, and Aunt Joan will all be there.   I’m getting pretty excited.   I’ll let you know next year how it all turned out.   I have a feeling it’s going to be the best Christmas ever.   Love to all.  Be sure to keep in touch and if you are in the area, please stop by!

Merry Christmas to All

from the Tordoff Troop and

Blessings for a Wonderful New Year

P.S.   There was also a spaghetti dinner for us early on that I forgot to include that we were blessed by.

P.P.S.   Nicholas and Timothy are going on a mission trip in July to Jamaica.  They are looking for extra work.   Have anything they can do, please let us know.   If you feel led to donate, thanks in advance.   Please pray for their safety and divine appointments.

Ways to Keep In Touch

SNAIL MAIL:  140 Summerfield Circle, Grovetown, GA 30813

BLOGS:   Michelletordoff.blogspot.com, Now Michelle’s Cooking @ MichelleTordoff.wordpress.com

FACEBOOK:   Michelle Williams Tordoff, Rusty Tordoff, Cindy Rutherford, JohnRussell Tordoff, Nicholas Tordoff, and Timothy Tordoff

FACEBOOK GROUPS:   Live a Life of No Regrets, Big Happy Family Books

TWITTER:   OurBigHappyFam

IN PERSON:   Stop on by y’all!

Do Everything As Unto the Lord

It is wholly impossible to live according to Divine order, and to make a proper application of heavenly principles, as long as the necessary duties which each day brings seem only like a burden grievous to be borne.   Not till we are ready to throw or very life’s love into the troublesome little things can we be really faithful in that which is least and faithful also in much   Every day that dawns brings something to do, which can never be done as well again.   We should therefore, try to do it ungrudgingly and cheerfully.   It is the Lord’s own work, which He has given us as surely as He gives us daily bread.  We should thank Him for it with all our hearts, as much as for any other gift.   It was designed to be our life, our happiness.   Instead of shirking it or hurrying over it, we should put our whole heart and soul into it.   ~James Reed

Thanksgiving and Advent

This Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving I have spent away from family.   I was in the hospital recovering from my reverse ostomy surgery.   Thankfully, the children spent time at their sister's home with the Rutherfords, and were well taken care of while Rusty and I stayed at the hospital.    Fortunately, Cindy brought in leftovers for Rusty while I continued on a teaspoon of ice per hour that day.   Yet, I was so thankful to be on the other side of this cancer journey and on the way to recovery.   Now, I am home and this is our first "real" full day back in school.     I wanted to share some things we are doing.    For years, we have done "Family Celebrations" which we will continue this year in the evening.  I had thrown the worn out book two years ago thinking I'd pick up before last year to find out it was no longer being sold.   I found some used copies on Amazon or ebay last year and bought a copy for myself and my daughter to use with her family.  We usually do that in the evening before bed times.  Rusty created the whole felt tree and the ornaments when Cindy was young and we have used it over the years.

In the morning devotionals in December I believe we will do Anne Voskamp's Jesse Tree from her site that you can get to here.  I also ran across a site for advent wreath that you could could use by clicking the button below.



Also, we usually learn hymns after Bible time in the morning so of course we will be learning and singing great Christmas hymns in December.

This weekend the little ones and I are going to make a countdown to Christmas craft that I got from Sheri Graham's site "Homeschool Freebie of the Day."   You can see this craft by clicking here. 

We will also work on our speaking or presentation skills by the children taking turns each day reading John Piper's advent book which you can find for yourself here. 

We will also do lots of crafts and baking along with school this month.   We usually make lots of gifts in jars to give away to guests and family.   Praise found a great pinterest idea that I cannot post in case my family reads this and knows what we are up to for simple family gifts that we want to make.  On my calendar today, I plan to write in days to make goodies for our neighbors, our post office workers, and the fire/police station that is less than a mile away.   Otherwise, I may just travel that road of good intentions.  

So, that's what things are looking like in the Tordoff home.  My Aunt Joan, Fran & Mike left back home the beginning of the week after staying a few days to help the children out with the painting projects around the house, and meals while I was recovering.  Thanks again for all the prayers and support.   Looking forward to all the Lord has for us this coming season.   May we all live expectant lives seeking our Savior Jesus, and that our excitement for the things of God reaches far past the Christmas season because He is the God of every season, day, and moment.

"To prepare our hearts for Christmas, 

we must cultivate the spirit of expectancy."
[Handel H. Brown]

Free Free Free.....Thanking Jesus I am Cancer Free

Well, the results are in.   No more cancer!!!   We are so excited and so thankful for all those who supported us on this cancer journey this past year.   I have one more surgery next Wednesday to reverse my ostomy and then regular crazy big family days will be back in order after I heal up and probably after the holidays.   The prayers, gifts of food and money, the love shown to us this past year has been a blessing to me and my family.   I wouldn't suggest getting this ill to find out how much you are loved, but it was a plus when things seemed so dark.  Meanwhile, praying whether to go back to work after the holidays part time or grow my book business to make up for lost income and growing medical bills this past year.   Would appreciate prayers for wisdom.  

Thanking Jesus today for walking this road with us and opening my eyes to the world of cancer.  Hoping to be a support to others as folks have been to me from here on out.   Part of me would like never to enter the doors of the oncologists office again, yet I hope to make it a part of our family's ministry to visit with snacks regularly.  

Cat Scan Thursday....Results pending

Waiting is so hard.  You would think of a year of interruptions (chemo appointments, radiation appointments, more chemo appointments) that I would be more patient.   My cat scan was Thursday and I really wanted the results right then.   Oh well, a few more days and we will hopefully find out I am cancer free!   Woo hoo.  

So what will be different?   Facing death I realized that although I had total peace if I was to meet my Maker there are still many areas in my life I would like to improve.   Improve because it will get me into heaven?   NO!    Jesus already made a way for me by calling me to Himself and me answering "YES Lord!"   But I want to be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, teacher, niece, Christian than I have been.   I want to be a better steward of my time and money.   I want to laugh even more, give more, stress less, work on being more organized while juggling all my responsibilities.   I want to be more like Jesus and leave this world a better place because of His great love for us.   I want to point to Him more and me less by considering my motives in all the things I do.   I want to be more thankful, because I have been given much.  

Stay tuned, I will hopefully posting good news Tuesday.   Hope you are all enjoying this beautiful fall day.    We are LOVING this weather...open windows, fresh breezes, sunny skies, and starry nights.

For All The Blessings Of The Year Hymn

For all the blessings of the year,
For all the friends we hold so dear,
For peace on earth, both far and near,
We thank Thee, Lord.

For life and health, those common things,
Which every day and hour brings,
For home, where our affection clings,
We thank Thee, Lord.

For love of Thine, which never tires,
Which all our better thought inspires,
And warms our lives with heavenly fires,
We thank Thee, Lord.

Packing Away My C Card

What a wonderful day!   Thank you Lord Jesus.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

~Dallan Forgail (8th Century)

Today I went to the surgeon.   I dreaded it because they have to check me out in the "exit only" area, but at the same time I was ready to make an appointment for my reversal.   However, during the check up he said he no longer saw any cancer.  WOOO HOOO!   The definite report will come with my cat scan.   My blood pressure was also awful during chemo, but today it was in the normal range 125/84 (although still high for my normal 110/60 or 70).   The one side effect I hoped for was weight loss from all the throwing up, but that sure didn't happen, sheesh.   I still don't enjoy anything but water, juice, and warm tea to drink.  Unsweetened tea, milk, and any soda tastes awful to me now.  I think the oxyplatin they gave me that messes up your throat and hands when you try to eat, drink, or touch anything cold has done something to my throat.   I still have some recovering to do from when the radiation cooked my insides and possibly some scar tissue issues, but we'll work on those issues after surgery and recovery.   I am so excited that I will soon be eating fresh vegetables and fruit again!  (Although, I did cheat and ate some fruit because I craved it so badly.   I even snuck tomatoes from my sister's garden and chewed them up and spit them out like a bulimic just to get that fresh tomato taste this summer.)   I just was careful to chew a lot and not eat too much.   My Praise says when I'm healed up and can go out, we are getting a huge California Dreaming salad.    I can't wait!!   

So the next month looks something like this:   Thursday Oncologist appt to check blood levels, and give me date for the Cat Scan and chest x-ray.    Then on the 12th pre-op and some yucky glow in the dark enema procedure (eww!)   On the 21st surgery.   The surgery should take about an hour and a half (versus ~5 hours last time) and only 2-3 days in the hospital (versus 5 days last time.)  I will be in the hospital with a lovely liquid diet on Thanksgiving and you know what? I am not complaining, because I have too much to be thankful for this year.    

Life is precious, life is sweet
Like the earth beneath my feet
Though I know I'm passing through
I know I belong to You
Life is precious, life is sweet
And this truth makes it complete
Knowing Jesus died for me
Life is precious
Life is precious, life is sweet    ~Wes King

What am I  preaching to myself these days?   When I am weary and tired, I've encouraged myself by finding things to be thankful for in my life.   When I was discouraged at what needed to be done, I'd just make plans for when I was better and do little things to make me feel like we are getting closer to getting things done.  When I got too weary and ill, I'd usually tell my sister knowing she'd encourage me in the Lord and pray for me.   We're still studying revival on Wednesday nights which has been so good.   How I've been praying to be revived.  We've been learning the words to the hymn I began with in this post  "Be Thou My Vision".    Filling my heart with thankfulness and my mind with hymns that speak Truth, reading books that challenge me, studying the Word, praising the King of Kings, serving my family and allowing them to serve me A LOT this past year, being encouraged by family and friends kindnesses and prayers for our family, and enjoying every moment the Lord has given me has strengthened me this year.   My body is much weaker, but my faith has grown.  So after today's news, I'm packing away my C card.   I can no longer blame cancer on my laziness, unfinished projects, and slow moving school days.   I can no longer tell my family that I can't believe they are letting their mother with cancer (sniff, sniff) lose a game, unload the groceries, or be wrong...about anything, lol.   I gladly pack this card away, and continue to pray for my growing list of friends in their own battle with this awful disease that they too will pack away their C card and live healthy lives.      

 

Chemo is Over

Thank you all for the prayers and support as I went through chemo and radiation, then surgery, then another round of chemo.   Praise Jesus, I am finally finished.  In a few weeks, I will have another blood test to be sure I am on the right track on healing and prayerfully nothing indicating the cancer is returning.   I removed our donate information off our blog because Rusty has gotten a few side jobs and I believe we can have our medical bills paid off in a few months along with (hopefully) a new dishwasher since it bit the dust this week.  Appliances sure don't last around here.   I am about ready to go Amish on my family so I can quit throwing money at Lowe's!   Anyhow, I'll find out at the end of this month when I will have surgery again.   They will do a scan in December to see if I am cancer free and prayerfully I will begin 2013 healed and healthy.   I can't wait, because I am tired of being soooo tired and ready to be a better wife and mom.  

Please pray for a young man, friend of our family, Sam Simms.   He is battling nonHodkins lymphoma and is having a tough time in his battle.    Pray for his mouth to heal, his fever to disappear, his strength to return, and the cancer to be gone in the mighty name of Jesus!   Pray his parents will feel the strength of the Lord and that His peace will fill their hearts.

I finished a great study on James and am now doing a woman's study on Sunday mornings.  James has always been one of my favorite books even if Martin Luther didn't like it.   "Fresh Encounters" by Blackaby has been our study on Wednesday evenings.    Fresh Encounters will challenge you with your relationship to the Lord, will make you desire more holiness in your life to please the Lord, and will make you desire to pray for revival in your life, your family, your city, your state, your nation, and the world.   It's great and challenging.   Our home school group's family book club has been reading Lamplighter's "Hidden Hand" this month which I cannot recommend enough.   You can read it free on your Amazon kindle app or order through Lamplighter Publishing.   The other book study is through a facebook group reading "Bonhoffer, Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy".   This is another great read that I can hardly keep from reading ahead on each week.   

What else has been on my heart these days? Praying for the election, praying for our marriages to be strengthened and for friends who recently were divorced, praying how to raise our children to be in the world and not of the world (Romans 12:2), praying for the Lord to revive my own heart to walk closer to Him, praying for help to home school our children well, and praying for friends to be cancer free like me.    Also, praying for some great friends who are working on adopting 3 beautiful girls from the Congo.   If you feel led, please check them out here and consider giving and/or praying for this sweet family.

Thanks for stopping by.   Come visit again and if I can pray for you, please let me know.    Good night!

Another Chemo Day...and Just Give Me Jesus

It was another day at chemo.   Thankfully my sweet daughter drove me today while she studied and I did my Bible studies, read, and got to know some more people.   One of the sweetest ladies I have met remembered me from 3 months ago when I gave her my card and she sat across from me today.  I found out today she is a pediatrician.   She gave me her card today so we can keep in touch.   She has a great story.   She was diagnosed with bone cancer in 1997 and was given 2-4 years.   Praise God with the advances in cancer research and treatment she is in remission and doing well.   She comes in for I believe preventive measures every 3 months.  I love when she comes in, because she opens the blind wide to let the sunshine in.   I love wide open sunny places.

The other couple I met was a man who was diagnosed with colon cancer in April.   He has two ostomies!   Unfortunately, he is not dealing very well with it.   I tried to be an encouragement to he and his wife, but he was one tough cookie :D.   I will be praying for him.

Overall it was a good day.  I've not been sick yet, and for that I am thankful.

Since going to the "Just Give Me Jesus" conference with Anne Graham Lotz I haven't been able to get rid of the song Just Give Me Jesus sung by Fernando Ortega out of my mind.   I think the Lord had truly prepared me for a personal revival this year.   Between the cancer, certain Bible studies, and the Henry Blackaby book "Fresh Encounter" I've been reading, my heart was really prepared for a fresh Word last Saturday.   Thanking the Lord that He continues to reach out to us, doesn't give up on us, and gives us a hunger for Him and His Word.   I WAS that wicked wretch that He set free in "Amazing Grace".   It's my heart that wanders in "Come thou Fount of every Blessing".   It's the cry of my heart in all circumstances, like Mary looking for His body, to "Just Give Me Jesus!"   Of course, it's my longing for my husband and children, family and friends to be passionately in love with Him all their lives too.   That they will say all their lives "waking or sleeping, Thy presence my Light!" as in "Be Thou My Vision".  Let us shine His light wherever we go, in all circumstances, during every season, for all our lives.   He is worthy!!

Old German Hymn

What God hath done, it is well done
His will is always just,
Whatever He will do to me,
In Him I'll ever place my trust.

from "Bonhoeffer, Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy."   Dietrich's mother 
played this at his older brother's funeral during WWI.  

Eye for an Eye and other Ramblings from the homefront

I have only two treatments left.   I am beyond excited.   I finally asked the doctor the "then what" question.    First I will have to get my surgery so I will no longer have an iliostomy.   That, my friends, is a date I am ecstatic about.   Then he said for three years I will have to be checked every 3 months on my blood levels and every 6 months scans.  If nothing shows up, I'll be considered cancer free.   I didn't ask if not, because my mind cannot even fathom more chemo treatments at this time.  I'm remaining hopeful that I am healed and am camping there until further notice.

We have been reading through "Fresh Encounters" by Henry Blackaby in a Women's small group on Wednesday nights, and boy has it been good.   We are only on Chapter 5, but the level of conviction concerning my prayer life is huge.  I cannot recommend this book enough for anyone who is ready for a revival in their spiritual life. It's good stuff!

Last week while playing wiffle ball at the park, my strong 17 year old soon hit the ball into my 13 year old daughter's eye (she was pitching!).   She cried no less than an hour and off and on for hours she was in so much pain.  She didn't get a full blown black eye but I think that was because of the icing we did.  She did get a light black eye and her eye was blood red for days.   Two days ago, the kiddos were playing basketball out front and she accidentally poked the same son in the eye and scratched it.   It was also quite nasty!   He had to wear an eye patch yesterday.  I joked with them that we don't believe in an eye for an eye, because then the whole world would be blind.   Seriously though, they didn't heap guilt on each other and forgave each other rather quickly.   After all, they were just accidents.  

Yesterday I slept almost the entire day away.   Meanwhile, the kiddos had  yard sale and made about $30.  They are working on saving money for the Jamaica mission trip that Timothy wants to go on.  Nicholas may too but that depends if he gets picked for an apprenticeship next summer at Polyface Farms.  We will know October 1st.  I did wake up enough to take the yard sale leftovers they loaded into the back of the Suburban to Goodwill.  Then back to sleep.  Then I woke up enough to watch a bit of "The Patriot" and then see the Gators whoop up on Tennessee.    Then I fell back asleep.   Saw the munchkins off to church this morning, the hubby off to work, and am looking at all that needs to be done.  That's the stinky thing about being sickly.   You want to do all the chores that are "shouting" at you to be done, but you just can't move.   The kiddos do a great job keeping up most things, but it's not "mama" done.   So my 2nd load of pears that need to be canned may have to wait a few more days, my latest sewing project will wait, along with all the other little things that need to be done, and that's okay.   (At least that's what I'll keep telling myself so I don't nut up, ha ha.)

Thanks again for all the prayers.   I will continue to preach to myself the good news of Jesus Christ, and have found the Lord to be near, my Provider, my Strength, and my Song.    

Excellence

There can be no excellence in man, 

but so far as he is influenced by God's law:

without it, the greater his natural powers

and abilities are, 

he is but so much the more

detestable and mischievous.

~John Newton

Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

Any time I sing a hymn or worship song to the Lord, I really think about the words.   It's the same reason I have a hard time just singing just any song.   I want to be sure of what I am singing.  I want to sing to Jesus the words with all my heart.  When I quote Scripture, I want to speak with confidence the words that I am saying. Over the years I have said Psalm 23 many times, and have taught my children to memorize it.   However, since diagnosed with cancer I can say I've chewed on "through the valley of the shadow of death" a bit more.   It's easy to "feel" that you won't fear evil when you are on the mountain praising Him.   But what about when you are trudging through the valley?

My family loves shark week on television.   Believe it or not, the first year we watched it was at our beach vacation.   What an easy week for me watching children on the shore after that night!   This year during shark week, we watched a show about 3 soldiers that were shot down during WWII and were stranded in the ocean for 47 days.   They had few rations.   They were in rubber life rafts in the middle of the ocean!  The pilot had a major head wound, and they were continually surrounded by sharks.   The pilot was a Christian who taught the others hymns, Bible verses, etc.   The Italian catholic, who was an olympic medal winner before the army, gave his life to Jesus at some point in their wanderings.  But the 3rd soldier was always worried.   He kept saying they weren't going to make it, and that they were going to die.   The others talked about life.   The olympic soldier even "cooked" for them each meal.  He would tell how his mom made lasagna and give all the details.  He would describe the bacon cooking in the morning.   Although their bodies were withering away, their skin cooked, their lips and eyes cracked, two of them kept believing the Lord would make a way and were hopeful.   If you have a chance to watch it, it's a great story so I won't give away all the details.   But the main thing that I walked away with is that the two that were full of Hope lived.   The third who kept believing they would die...died.   They were in a vast ocean with the shadow of death always surrounding their boats, but two of them held on to the Lord, hoped, and lived to tell about it.   If they had not made it, they lived their last days in hope and not despair.

While I have been walking through this year with Satan whispering "death" in my ears and casting shadows on my way, I have found that I really am not in fear.   Not because of anything I have done, but praise God the Psalmist is right on.    He is with me!!    I love Him!  He has filled my heart with hope.   I am going to cling to Him for He is my life raft.   Psalm 31:24 tells us to be strong and take courage, all who fear the Lord.   Romans 8:35 says "Who shall separate us from the love of God?  shall tribulation or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?"   Nothing can separate us from His love.   Not cancer, not the bad economy, not broken appliances, not even my imperfect ways.  Of course, I could ignore His goodness towards me, begin naval gazing and feel very discouraged, unloved, and mistreated.   Forget that!   I am going to keep my heart towards the Lord, rest in His provision for all things, trust His heart when I don't understand His ways, and live in His peace and joy.    I am choosing to dance through the storm.

 

Chemo day # 4 of 8

We had a great vacation with family.   We returned Monday and now I'm sitting in a recliner at the oncologist's office receiving chemo.     I am so thankful to be half way finished this round, and at the same time it feels like I'll never be done.   By the time I finish and have surgery, I will have a whole year consumed with cancer.   Consumed was really only the possibility.   We didn't allow it to define our family.  To be such a difficult year, it has been a fantastic year.  We did have interruptions, but we tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible for the children.   I am laughing inside at writing normal.   What is normal for a large, home schooling family?

Silly faces

Today I thought I'd write about my iliostomy.    That has been one of the hardest adjustments during this journey.   You are vomiting from the chemo, and having to deal with your own smells.   It's like a cruel joke.   Everything else in life I decide I am going to do it and I do.  But dealing with this new attachment took me a long time.   When I decided to home school 24 years ago, my family thought I was nuts.   However, once the decision was made that this was the path for our family.   I studied, prayed, and even now continually learn to strive to do a good job.  When I decided to join a Protestant church after growing up Catholic, I did it.   When I decided not to do all the vaccines, I did it despite the protests.  When I decided to have as many children as God gave us despite our income, 7 years of infertility, and the 5 losses, we welcomed all 8 children.  Although I never knew anyone who nursed when I had children, I decided to nurse.   I wasn't successful with the first but was determined to figure it out with the next.   When I decided to have a VBAC 19 years ago, I did against the odds.  When we decided to home birth, we figured it out and did it.  Over the course of our marriage to save money, I learned to make our own bread and yogurt.   I learned to stretch our income to make healthy meals from scratch.   Stating all the above not to brag, but to say I am always willing to learn, change, and overcome odds to do what I feel needs to be done.   But when it came to this bag I had to wear, I allowed a friend to come to my home every 3 days to change it for nearly four months!!   I willingly inconvenienced someone because I just couldn't deal with it.  Now she will tell you it was her pleasure, but it was still one more thing she had to do two to three days a week.   Unlike myself who normally sees what has to be done and figures out how to do it, I was really good with the set up.  However, one night, the bag made a huge mess in my bed and I couldn't bring myself to call her in the middle of the night (although I had called her in the past near midnight).    I knew it was time to face up to the stoma and do it myself.   I knew what to do, because I prepared everything before she even came.   It's now just another normal part of  my schedule.   (Although I still look forward to the reversal in the fall after chemo.)   What did I learn?  1) that surprisingly I would allow someone to serve me for that long.   2)   Eventually you have to face up to the hard stuff in life.   3)  That God will enable you to do what you thought you would never do.  4)   If you look, you can still find Light in the dark days and there really is joy in the journey.

P.S. A special thank you goes out to Christine Rutherford, my faithful bag changing friend, who literally dealt with me and my crap for 4 months with a smile.   I no longer have to call you and say "hey, can we talk crap?"   Love you!!
 

Guest Blogging at the Purposeful Mom

I wrote an article for The Purposeful Mom blog.   It's titled "Finding Joy through Cancer".  You can visit it here.   Today was my birthday and it was a wonderful day indeed.   Tomorrow is the last day of our vacation.   It has been a blessed, restful week.   Thanking the Lord for a fabulous week with my family and friends. 

Vacation 2012

This year has been such a year of new things.    Besides all the changes that cancer brings to your life, this is our first year of vacation without two of our children.   I always joke with my children "why do you have to grow up so fast!" and I really felt it this year with our beach picture missing 2 adult children.

I haven't written as much the last few weeks.   I have been busy!   Spent a full week recovering from chemo treatment.   Then I helped at the 5th and 6th grade retreat that my 6th grader went to along with two of my teenagers who also volunteered.  Follow up doctor visits, dentist appointments, late birthday movie with my 11 year old and his friends, and preparing for the beach trip filled up the next week.   It's always a lot of preparation to leave with a crowd.   We like to leave the house "company" clean so we come home to a fresh home.   We plan our meals ahead of time so we don't spend a lot of money on food.   We don't even like to leave the beach the entire week.   It's a total week of games, relaxation, waves, and sand.

The older I get the more I want to hold on to each moment with my children.    When my eldest was 15 and I had 5 more children 8 years of age and under, time was a blur of diapers, laundry, school, meals, etc.   It was a wonderful, busy time that went much faster than I would've ever imagined.   Now to have a baby already three years of age, the oldest 26, and two grand babies I have a more realistic perspective of how time flies.   I want to redeem this time and try to make every moment count for eternity with my family.    I want to be more thankful than ever for the opportunities to train them.   I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be given the priviledge to train these arrows, but also feel the weight of the seriousness of this responsibility.

But this week, I am just relishing in the time we have together as a family with my sister, two of her children, and the time we get to spend with a nearly life long friend.   I really miss my oldest two, but am enjoying the time we are having.   We met our family's friend in Germany when we were very young and she allows us to stay in her home each year.   We are blessed by her generosity and enjoy her company so very much.   My children think of her as an aunt, and I as a younger sister.

 “O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; 

let me know how fleeting I am!  

Psalm 39:4

I will spend my birthday on the beach this year, and not even think about my next treatment due when I return.  Life is good....because God is good.    Therefore, I am going to rest in Him and purpose to enjoy every minute of this week that has been given to us.   Until next time, Michelle

3 down 5 to go! Great day at Chemo.

Chairein!  This is James salutation in the Greek in James 1. It means joy to you.  What a great way to say hello don't you think?  Thanks again to everybody who supports us in prayers, gifts of time & money, meals, and more.   We have been overwhelmed by your generosity.

True confession:   I have been really struggling going back this round of chemo.  The first time I wrestled less knowing I had a huge tumor in me that had to be shrunk fast in order to do surgery.  But since surgery, I miss eating salads and fresh vegetables due to my ostomy.   We try to eat as healthy as our finances can afford for our large family and my mind is having a hard time believing this bland diet is good for me fighting cancer.  I miss nuts too.   We rarely take any medication and we've done few to no immunizations.   Chemo has caused my low blood pressure to be ~145/92 since this round!   I walk most nights trying to get this back down but to no avail.  Chemo has not been an easy choice to begin with.   I've been shown lots of alternatives and have done a lot of research.    I've been praying the Lord would show me what to do. Please Lord give me your wisdom.   Well, I slept so much after this last dose that I just knew my levels would be too low again.   So, I told the Lord if they are too low I am telling the doctor that it's just not working for me and I need to see what alternatives I have... specifically a nutritional route.   However, if my levels are good, I am going to choose to continue the course prescribed unless I just don't have the peace of the Lord.   Would you believe although many of my levels were very low they weren't too low to continue.   DOGGONE IT!   But God had other plans for me today...it was a glorious day at chemo.   I met a single young mother named Tina with two young children who is suffering through breast cancer.   She lost her job as a nurse's aide.   She's been told it's her fault she has cancer. The Lord gave me the opportunity to be an ear to a hurting soul.  Although she is very shy and I was 2 hours sitting next to her before I even got a word, eventually she shared her hurts, doubts, and fears.   She told me she is a believer so I told her she'd have to do what I do and start preaching the Truth to herself.    She is a child of the King who loves her.   We live in a fallen world and bad things happen, BUT GOD who loves us with an everlasting love will never leave us nor forsake us.  He is our provider and shared scriptures of hope with her.  I reminded her that the future for a Christian is as bright as the promises of God.   Have you ever noticed how you share faith with others that your own is bolstered as well?   Then she gave me the privilege of praying for her.   Please lift her up as well.   After that I was able to speak to a woman with lung cancer who had a huge mass in her chest.   She has been so sick that she has lost nearly 50#!  She just can't eat.   She was in the hospital 17 days after her first treatment!!   Well, they decided they needed to giver her body a break for a bit before finishing her treatments.   They did a cat scan to see how she was responding and I got to hear great news!!   The doctor said when you compare her first scan which appeared to cover her entire chest to the new scan that they saw NOTHING!!   Her daughter started hollering hallelujah!   Oh, how we all rejoiced!   If I had canceled my chemo today, I would have missed out on some wonderful, divine appointments.  I interacted with 7 patients today that I would have never known, finished a C.S. Lewis book, and my husband and I had a birthday breakfast with my 11 year old before my appt.  I was able to visit with my mom who brought me lunch at chemo.   While I was gone, the older children mowed the yard today, put leftover spaghetti in the crock pot for dinner this morning, and they kept the house clean.  After I returned and napped, they got their math and reading accomplished despite me! What a fantastic day to be poisoned :).  

Above All Things Put On Charity

Think gently of the erring;
And let us not forget,
However darkly stained by sin,
He is our brother yet.

Heir of the same inheritance,
Child of the self-same God;
He hath but stumbled in the path,
Which we in weakness trod.

Speak gently to him, brother.
Thou yet may'st lead him back,
With holy words, and tones of love,
From mis'ry's thorny track.

Forget not, thou hast often sinn'd,
And sinful yet must be;
Deal gently with the erring one,
as God has dealt with thee.
              ~Anonymous   (Found in The Rescue of Jessica's Mother on 
                                                    London Bridge,1867)