Started this new year 2018, as a newly widowed home schooling mama
that's juggling work, selling a house, home schooling, being a mom (you
know=chef, chauffeur, shopper, boo boo kisser, launderer, chief bottle washer
& so much more) has been surreal. Most days I'm just trying to
accomplish all that needs to be done, and try not to think about who I am
missing horribly. However, there are always reminders of who is
missing. When I'm backing up a camper, I can hear him telling me
I'm not doing it right. When I’m painting in his shop, I can hear him
reminding me not to ruin his good paint brushes. When I'm trying to figure out if I should
paint cabinets in the house to sell, I want him to make the decision because
he would have known what to do. Little things like wondering if my hair looks alright, he would have been honest and kind. When the kiddos have been sick, he had always
cleaned up the yuck. Even when the cat killed a mouse, I was reminded
that I never had to do the "yucky jobs" if he was around.
He took care of me, and he did it well.
I never considered growing old
alone. We had lots of plans for when the kiddos were grown.
Of course, most still included them because we hated having fun without
them. We loved including them in all our adventures.
I believe things are getting
back to somewhat of a normal routine (whatever normal is). Praying
the other night, I prayed the same prayer I've prayed with all my littles from
a picture that my grandma stitched up for me as a child with my added requests
which goes as follows:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
If I should live for other days
I pray the Lord to guide my ways
God bless Daddy, Cindy, John Russell,
Nicholas, Timothy, Praise, Michael, Emily, Christopher, Rylie, Jackson, Brandon, Lindsey, and
Olivia.
Amen
I got stuck when I got to Daddy, and had to will myself to pray on
with Christopher. It's those reminders that are in the routine of life all around me that can get me even in the good days.
People have surrounded us with their love, but everyone has got on
with their lives as they should. The dust
has cleared; this new normal is forming in our home. And it’s getting to the really real realization
that he’s not coming home. He’s not just
on a trip. It’s really not just all a terribly,
horrid nightmare. He’s gone, and I’m
alone. But God. I’m not sure how anyone goes through
something like this without knowing the Lord Jesus as their Savior. When I’ve been tempted to stay sad, He has
sent me reminders through my children, through the mail yesterday (you know who
you are that has sent me a card faithfully every month even if I don’t),
through texts, through a meal from a faithful Tuesday meal giver, and
especially through His word. He hasn’t
left me. When I’m tempted to be full of
fear that when my children are all flown from the nest to build their own lives and when I
will be alone for the first time in my entire life, He reminds me that I’m
never alone. When I’m tempted to be full
of fear that I’m unsure of tomorrow, He reminds me that He is. When I’m tempted to feel like a failure as a
parent due to the health issues Rusty and I have faced over the past 6 years,
He reminds me He knew what we would go through when He blessed us with all
these wonderful children. He is good y’all!
Thanks for all the prayers and support to all who have blessed our family this past year. We are so very grateful. My life hasn’t been anything like I imagined. My heart can be very heavy some days, yet I
haven’t lost Hope. I’ve no idea what
tomorrow will bring, but I’m so glad to know the One who does.
