REST

Even beasts of burden must be turned out to grass occasionally; the very sea pauses at ebb and flood; earth keeps the Sabbath of the wintry months; and man, even when exalted to God's ambassador, must rest or faint, must trim his lamp or let it burn low; must recruit his vigor or grow prematurely old....In the long run we shall do more by sometimes doing less.   ~Charles Spurgeon

Rusty's One Year Anniversary in Heaven

Today marks one year since Rusty left this life into eternity.   I knew things went fast his last week, but reading over old posts to have people pray that last week it was confirmed how quickly we went from hospital, to hospice, to home, to heaven in just 3-4 days.   I'm thankful for friends and family who prayed and held out for a miracle with me, and I'm thankful to the Lord if we weren't going to get one this side of heaven that he took Rusty before he suffered too terribly.

I'll say up front in this blog, I'm not a good griever.   I have many days with sad moments, but not many consecutively sad days.   I often wonder if it's because I was so thankful to get many months instead of a few months to spend intentionally together.   We departed with no regrets, no hanging questions, no bitterness, and with plenty of hope for a better tomorrow when we both meet again in heaven.    Perhaps it is because I was so thankful when the children and I prayed over Rusty that the Lord mercifully answered our prayer to bring him home quickly if he wasn't going to be healed.   Don't get me wrong, I miss Rusty terribly.

You cannot be with somebody for most of your life, and not miss doing life together.    Things I miss:   cooking breakfast and/or dinner together for the family on days we could, planning family birthdays and holidays were so much fun, sitting together at night and just enjoying togetherness, going on trips to the mountains (Kathy & Chuck's) or to the beach (Suzanne & Colston's), playing cards and games with each other and the kiddos, sending & receiving I love you texts throughout every day when we weren't together, playing pranks on one another, and most of all laughing a lot!   Our family loves to laugh.  I was reminded of this at dinner last night with my children and daughters-in-love that were able to come to our Thursday Mexican night.   We tell stories old and new, and we laugh.   

When things go wrong or decisions need to be made, Rusty is also very missed.  We talked over everything, and I didn't have to worry about what to do with a vehicle.  He just handled it, and I could keep taking care of things I handle in the day.   Of course, I did the same for him with errands, and financial decisions.   We both juggled work with children together.   If I was to teach at church or work and a kiddo was sick, no worry.    He'd stay at home with them.    If the kiddos had appointments, he didn't need to take off, I'd handle it.   We were an excellent team. 

We weren't perfect.  We had our struggles.  We had some tough years.   But we really loved each other, and loved having a family together.  We loved our children and grandchildren.    My heart still hurts a bit at weddings when I see the father daughter dance that some of my girls will miss.  My heart sometimes hurts watching cute older couples together thinking that's what we thought our life would look like one day.   We thought the kiddos would grow up, and we would grow old together.   My heart hurts knowing our children miss their Daddy, and that Christopher and Emily won't have nearly the memories the other children have of him.

We were even silly and playing games on chemo days 

On this day, the one year anniversary of Rusty's entrance to heaven, I want my children to know I'll never forget their Daddy.    I want them to know I'm so proud that sorrow hasn't sent them into abuse of alcohol or drugs to numb their hurt.   I want them to know they can still trust in the Lord to see them through, and He hasn't forgotten us.  I'm glad they can see His hand in providing for the family this past year.   He's also provided big things like Hope in the midst of sorrow.   It's that Hope that fills my heart to overflowing and that keeps me from grieving continually.   It's not judgment on anyone who grieves differently.  We are all different.   All I can speak from is the experience in our family.   My heart has been filled with joy to see children, adult and young, have Hope for tomorrow.   They still make plans with their family, the ones who regularly go to church still go to church, they all still work and play, they all still choose to live life fully (not just go through the motions of daily life to just survive another day).   Even if a part of our heart has died, we choose to live.   Hope that we will be together again rejoicing with our King makes a huge difference in how we have handled our grief.   It's not that Rusty is gone forever, but only until.... 

So Rusty, until we meet again, you are deeply loved and missed.   We will always have a hurt in our hearts for what we miss about you, and wishing grandchildren to come could have known you (Papa Rusty), your humor, work ethic, and crabby ways.   Until then, we will continue to bring you up in conversations so that you are not forgotten, and we can share a tear or a laugh over times past.  Thanks for loving us all so well.    Love you forever, 'Chelle

2018's New Normal

 

Started this new year 2018, as a newly widowed home schooling mama that's juggling work, selling a house, home schooling, being a mom (you know=chef, chauffeur, shopper, boo boo kisser, launderer, chief bottle washer & so much more) has been surreal.   Most days I'm just trying to accomplish all that needs to be done, and try not to think about who I am missing horribly.   However, there are always reminders of who is missing.   When I'm backing up a camper, I can hear him telling me I'm not doing it right.  When I’m painting in his shop, I can hear him reminding me not to ruin his good paint brushes.  When I'm trying to figure out if I should paint cabinets in the house to sell, I want him to make the decision because he would have known what to do.   Little things like wondering if my hair looks alright, he would have been honest and kind.  When the kiddos have been sick, he had always cleaned up the yuck.  Even when the cat killed a mouse, I was reminded that I never had to do the "yucky jobs" if he was around.   He took care of me, and he did it well.  

I never considered growing old alone.   We had lots of plans for when the kiddos were grown.  Of course, most still included them because we hated having fun without them.  We loved including them in all our adventures.   

I believe things are getting back to somewhat of a normal routine (whatever normal is).  Praying the other night, I prayed the same prayer I've prayed with all my littles from a picture that my grandma stitched up for me as a child with my added requests which goes as follows:

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take

If I should live for other days

I pray the Lord to guide my ways

God bless Daddy, Cindy, John Russell, Nicholas, Timothy, Praise, Michael, Emily,  Christopher, Rylie, Jackson, Brandon, Lindsey, and Olivia.

Amen

I got stuck when I got to Daddy, and had to will myself to pray on with Christopher.  It's those reminders that are in the routine of life all around me that can get me even in the good days.   

People have surrounded us with their love, but everyone has got on with their lives as they should.   The dust has cleared; this new normal is forming in our home.  And it’s getting to the really real realization that he’s not coming home.  He’s not just on a trip.   It’s really not just all a terribly, horrid nightmare.   He’s gone, and I’m alone.   But God.   I’m not sure how anyone goes through something like this without knowing the Lord Jesus as their Savior.    When I’ve been tempted to stay sad, He has sent me reminders through my children, through the mail yesterday (you know who you are that has sent me a card faithfully every month even if I don’t), through texts, through a meal from a faithful Tuesday meal giver, and especially through His word.   He hasn’t left me.   When I’m tempted to be full of fear that when my children are all flown from the nest to build their own lives and when I will be alone for the first time in my entire life, He reminds me that I’m never alone.  When I’m tempted to be full of fear that I’m unsure of tomorrow, He reminds me that He is.  When I’m tempted to feel like a failure as a parent due to the health issues Rusty and I have faced over the past 6 years, He reminds me He knew what we would go through when He blessed us with all these wonderful children.   He is good y’all!  

Thanks for all the prayers and support to all who have blessed our family this past year.  We are so very grateful.  My life hasn’t been anything like I imagined.   My heart can be very heavy some days, yet I haven’t lost Hope.   I’ve no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I’m so glad to know the One who does.