Fried, Southern Fried

That's me.  My last day of chemo was Thursday and my bag was removed Friday.   My white blood count levels were almost double and I was so very excited that they were finally in the normal range even if it was the low side of normal.   My home school Classical Conversations community put on a spaghetti supper for us Friday night and I decided to go.    We were so blessed and overwhelmed with such generous support that I'll never be able to thank folks enough for their kindness and love shown to us.

Saturday I began running a fever and have been battling fevers ever since.   Today was my last radiation appointment and I really thought that I would begin feeling like me again even if it was slowly, but honestly I've been more tired and weak.   The chemo doctor said for me to make an appointment with my gynecologist at my visit Friday and the radiation doctor concurred today when I explained some issues I was having (extra bleeding & pain).    For those who may find my appointment with the gynecologist as  TMI, please stop here and pray for healing and infection to be gone.  For the brave, basically my female parts seem to be "cooked" from the radiation used to treat my colorectal cancer.   My bleeding is from being "cooked" like a bad sun burn and the tissues just peeling away.  In fact, I shouldn't have, but I listened in to the doctor telling the compound pharmacist that "it's just horrible!!"  Yikes!  It may have also affected my urinary tract.  

To say I wasn't a bit discouraged finding out I wasn't on the road to being healthy quickly, would be quite an understatement.  I'm not sure if I felt sad due to my hormones being disrupted too or just the fact that my iron is lower, my wbc count was lower, and I just feel puny.   However, I'm going to encourage myself that the Lord assured me He will see me through this and that I have some great prayer warriors lifting me and my family up. 

Preaching to Yourself for Others

This past Sunday evening my sister had a small church service in her home because I have missed going to church since my white blood cell counts have been too low to attend for quite a while.   It was such an incredibly sweet service.   My nephew, Wesley, led the worship part of the service.   He did a fabulous job!  My former pastor and spiritual father, Wade Trimmer, preached to us about life not being fair but as God's children (due to our belief in His son Jesus Christ as the only way to the Father) we are highly favored!   We followed the sermon with a time of communion and then I was anointed with oil and prayed over for healing from my cancer as instructed in James 5:14.   My spirit soured as we worshiped the Lord together and it resonated with the Word that went forth from the preaching.   I chewed on it the whole way home and was so encouraged by the whole service that was "for me".   At least, that's what I thought.

The next morning I was 10 minutes late to my radiation appointment which means I would have to wait to be fit in.   This only happened once before so I try to be early or on time so I am at the radiation center 15 minutes instead of an hour.   Another thing that happens when you are late is that you are in a different group of people than usual.   I happened to be the youngest of the bunch this morning except for 2 young women who seemed to have brought their grandmother into the center.  A gentleman in his 70's came in, checked in, and told everyone aloud "Good morning folks!"   The normally quiet room echoed with many a good mornings.   He happened to know the elderly lady next to him (probably from appointment times being close) and said he was glad to see her this morning and was glad that she was getting her radiation.   She agreed, but said sadly "but I don't understand why the Lord allowed me to get so ill".   He responded, "We can't know that this side of heaven."   A few mumbled agreements and I told them when we get to heaven we won't care about any of those questions we want the answers to.   We are going to be in such awe of our awesome, incredible God that all those concerns will be gone.  Some agreed and some looked as if I was talking Greek.   Our friendly morning man then said he had two choices every morning.  He was going to choose to be happy that day or sad.    He then continued it takes too much out of him to be sad so he chooses to be happy each day.   Making a "choice to rejoice" is what we call it in our home.  As he was speaking, I felt I needed to share the truth I had been chewing on since the night before with the sad, questioning lady.  I was looking to see if there was a chair near her I could get into when they called her name over the intercom.  I knew if I didn't speak to her right then that I wouldn't have a chance because we would pass each other in treatments.   I noticed she had a cane, two bags, and a coat as she arose slowly to gather her things to head down the hall.  Quickly going to her side, I offered to help her get to her treatment room which she gladly received.   As we got through the doors between the waiting room and the hall, I stopped her to tell her that I heard what she said in the waiting room.   That she was right to think that life wasn't fair, but as a child of God she was highly favored.   I wanted her to go home today and read over Ephesians 2 and remind herself of how SPECIAL she was to the Lord.  Because she was saved, she was Sovereignly chosen, she was Positionally holy, Experentially changed, Completely accepted because she was seen as Christ being in Christ, Incredibly secure, Avowedly valuable to the Lord who allowed his Son to suffer and die to cover her sins, which made her Legally Cleared.   I assured her that the Lord loved her and was walking this road with her because she was being Securely managed.   She was so encouraged that her entire countenance changed.  She even shared she had loved the Lord as long as she could remember.   My "cooking" session happened to be after hers so as she came out and saw me she thanked me and reminded me that I wasn't alone either.  

If I could've left the doors of the building,  jumped, and clicked my heels together, I would have.   I jumped in my truck with my husband and told him that I'm so sorry he had to wait an hour but my morning went WONDERFUL!!  He looked at me quite bewildered and I said had I not gone to Sandi's last night and was reminded of these wonderful truths, had I not been moving so slow this morning, and had I not been late this morning, I would have missed a divine appointment to encourage a fellow saint.   WHAT A WONDERFUL MORNING!  WHAT A WONDERFUL SAVIOR, that would allow ME to share His love with a discouraged saint.   

If you want to chew on the same truths, head on over to Ephesians 1:3-14 and be reminded that believer's are Father's SPECIALS!
Sovereignly chosed (elected us)
Positionally holy (justified/anctified us)
Eperientially changed (regnerated us)
Completely accepted (reconciled us)
Incredibly secure (adopted us)
Avowedly valuable (redeemed us)
Legally cleared (forgiven us)
Securely managed (sealed us)

To be further encouraged, make this good confession that we made Sunday night and I hope that your spirit soars as mine has rejoicing in our Lord Jesus.

Highly Favored’s Confession!

“I am blessed of the Lord, uniquely privileged, highly favored, immeasurably loved, in Christ as Christ.”

My Heavenly Father has an active interest in me and daily shows a willingness to give approval and support. His daily favor is shown in His friendliness, helpfulness, and a willingness to contribute to the success and welfare of His selected, favored people – the people of grace and faith and not race and place.

“I’m blessed, and highly favored of the Lord because I’m one of His Favorites! And I’ve been picked out to be picked on to demonstrate that God doesn’t have to pet, pamper, prosper, praise, and promote me as an indication of my standing with Him. By faith I declare that everything God has promised to be for me in Jesus, he has been, is being, and will be! Therefore I will pray from favor, think in terms of favor, translate every event in light of favor, and talk of the favor of the Lord!”

I confess by faith that in happy times or hard times, in pleasure or in pain, in sickness or in health, for better or for worse, God, our Father, is always with me, is always in control, is always good, is always able, and is always victorious.

Therefore, I will not fear. I will not doubt. I will not despair. I will not falter. I will not fail!

What Father says I am, I am. What he says I have, I have. What He says I can do, I can do by grace through faith! Therefore I will live and die in favor always believing that the best is still ahead for me!

I confess that in the Lord Jesus Christ I NOW have a life that can never be forfeited; a righteousness that can never be tarnished; an acceptance that can never be rejected; a standing that can never be disputed; a justification that can never be reversed; an inheritance from which I can never be disinherited; a wealth that can never be depleted; a resource that can never be diminished; a possession that can never be measured; a power that can never be rendered impotent or inadequate.

I confess that in the Lord Jesus Christ I NOW have a peace that can never be destroyed; a joy that can never be suppressed; a love that can never be decreased; a strength that can never be degraded; a power that can never be exhausted; a salvation that can nev­er be cancelled; a forgiveness that can never be overturned; a deliverance that can never be frustrated; an assurance that can never be disappointed; an access that can never be discontinued.

In the Lord Jesus Christ we NOW have an Intercessor who can never be disqualified; a revelation that can nev­er be destroyed; a Victor who can never be vanquished; a resurrection that can never be hindered; a hope that can never be disappointed; a glory that can never be dimmed!

Therefore I will live daily in humility, availability, and responsibility before Him! I confess that my reason for being is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and I am beginning to do that right Now!

Do You Believe in Miracles?

It's interesting to hear views on miracles.   Some Christians believe that miracles are a rare occurrence and they mostly only occurred in the New Testament era.   Others believe they are always available to us but we lack faith and it's always our fault if things don't happen that we pray for.  Personally, I believe miracles still happen, but that it's dangerous to believe we can control God.   Years ago, I listened to some teachings that took the scriptures of having faith (like Matthew 17:20 and others) and believed 100% that if I prayed for a miracle in faith that, of course, it would happen.    Deceived, I earnestly prayed as if God was obligated to listen to me because I followed this formula.   When I began miscarrying a baby that we had prayed years for, I prayed and believed I was going to be 100% healed and this baby that we longed for was going to be born.   When I lost this precious baby, my faith was rocky.   I was worried I was one of those believers in Matthew 7:21-23 that just thought I was saved.   I knew that I at least has mustard seed size faith and was shaken to the core.   What those teachings miss are two big things -- God's sovereignty and mystery.   I went back to the Word and dug into the Word to assure myself I wasn't lost, that I was definitely one of His children.   I preached to myself the Word and assured my spirit of who I was and whom I belonged to.  I still believe that when we pray with faith that God can heal, but now I believe that because He's sovereign He chooses when to say yes and when to say no to our prayers.   I also believe that I can't normally figure out the why's and when's because there is also mystery involved.    Isaiah 55:8-9  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth,  so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  How do I suppose my little brain is going to understand the mind of a God big enough to create the world out of nothing?  Where do we get our arrogance from?  I am still believing God can 100% heal me of this cancer.   I'm praying when they scan me to see how well the radiation and the chemo did before surgery that the mass will be entirely gone and surgery won't be necessary.   But if He says no, will I will choose to praise Him anyway?  Yes!!  

Philipians 4:11-13  Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

 A Few Miracles that our Family Has Experienced

1)   Salvation!
2)   All 8 of our children's births....always a miracle!  (5 others didn't make it to birth.)
3)   Praise was born and died for 13 minutes.   She was not supposed to walk or talk.   She was supposed to be learning challenged.  She's perfectly healthy nearly 13 years later.
4)   Praise had her sonogram before her surgery to place a shunt in her brain for her hydrocephalus.   When they did the scan, there was no longer a problem and surgery was canceled.
5)   Praise was off her seizure medication by 6 months.
6)   Nicholas was shot in the eye with a bb gun at 2 years old.   He had no sight in his eye at the first hospital he was checked at.   They sent us to MCG to see a specialist right away.  Driving from the hospital in Millen to Augusta we called for prayer.   When he was checked at MCG, his sight was 100%.   The only side effect is that his blue eye was green for one year. 
7)  When Michael was a baby, he fell into an orchestra pit.   We believe an angel caught him because although he fell at least 8 feet he didn't even have a bruise on his body.
8)  John Russell also didn't have a healthy birth beginning.   He was lifeless and purple.  18 years later we are still thanking the Lord.

These are just a few, very few, of the many things God has done in our family.  Do I believe in miracles?   Absolutely.  

Luke 1:37   For with God, nothing shall be impossible.

Thankful to be Suffering?

Sat with a dear friend who visited today, we discussed cancer, struggles, life, and the Lord.    There's nothing like getting with a sister in Christ and encouraging one another in the goodness of our Lord.   Even if you are in pain, your spirit-man sours, your joy overflows and you become so thankful that the Lord shows you in so many ways that He knows where you are and reminds you that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

My friend had an incredibly difficult 2011.   I saved a paragraph from the book I finished to share with her when she came.   It was such an encouragement to me and felt like it would be great for her to hear as well.   What I shared follows from the book "When God Weeps", by Tada and Estes:

       God uses suffering to purge sins from our lives, strengthen our commitment to Him, force us to depend on grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, spend our time wisely, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance of sin, teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow, increase faith, and strengthen character.   It's a beautiful image.  

  And it's so true.   I've always reflected on life but seldom have I had a chance to STOP for any period of time to really assess what's important and what's not.  This cancer has made me pause and ponder.  It's also made me thankful for this "pause".     I've never felt the love of the Lord through His body EVER before at the level I have now.     Let me clarify that I've never been a neglected child of the Lord, but this is definitely a new level of love that I've been shown since December.

When we've been blessed with a new baby, we'd have a short pause in the routine to rest, recuperate, and enjoy life but having to stop due to pain and illness is definitely a place I've never been before.   I'm unsure if I'll ever go back to the speed of life I was at before.   I've always felt like my priorities were to the Lord, my husband, children, and home, but I did a lot things (really good things) that interfered with taking care of these things with excellence.    Not for a second am I seeking perfection but just keeping my priorities straight and  I may need to say no to more things, even really good things.   What that is going to look like, I'm unsure but it's going to be good for my family.

I Thessalonians 5:18  In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.   Thank you Lord for teaching me so much in this short season.  

Growing Weary

I'm laying on the couch with the door open while the spring like breeze blows in through the screen door listening to three boys play basketball, while two girls and Christopher paint pictures, and my eldest son paints the dining room.  It's spring in February this year in Georgia.   My power bill loves it but I sure hope we get enough cold that the bugs don't overrun us in the "real" spring and summer.  I'm half way through my treatments and had a definitely weary in well doing type of day a few days ago.  At the end of the day laying in bed with the hubby, I shared with him that I was just tired of not feeling good.   It gets really old.   Not knowing the hormones were kicking in (if you catch my drift) with the regular just not feeling myself I must admit I was pretty pitiful.   Of course when I got a wonderful cyclical surprise in the morning, I thanked him for being sweet and tender but I was going to be alright.   These few months of not feeling well have definitely given me a new empathy for folks with chronic pains and illnesses.   If I'm struggling, I still preach to myself truths from the Scriptures.   When I'm too weary, I have a fabulous husband, family, and friends who continually remind me what a short journey I am on, how far I've already gone, and that the Lord is with me.   But what if I was looking at a lifetime of pain, illness, and lethargy.   Although I can only imagine how hard that would be, I have had a small taste of that world.   The things I would have to purpose to do to fight growing weary in well doing:

1)  Find joy where I am.   (Today it is the spring like weather, a birthday for my baby turning three, giggles over cake, the fresh breeze blowing in, a morning with my Mom who chauffeured me to appointments, a husband who is employed in this tough economy, a grown daughter who calls and checks in on her mama despite her busy life, and children at home who don't even complain about picking up my slack)

2)  Share how I'm feeling so those who love me could encourage me when I'm struggling.   (I'm not good at this one.   I usually don't share struggles until I'm on the other side of them.)

3)  Seek the Lord.   (He is faithful!)

    Deuteronomy 4:29   But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you 

      will find him if you  look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
      Psalm 9:10  Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have 

      never forsaken those who seek you.

  

Also, it's taught me things on how to be a friend to others going through illness.  I want to definitely purpose to be an encouragement and available to others the way I've been blessed these past few months.  

Specific prayer needs:

My white blood count is still low and needs to go up.   My iron is still low.   I went nearly two weeks without any pain medication and was really excited but this week I've begun having quite a bit of pain.   I'm sensitive to everything they've used thus far to cover  my port each week and scratch in my sleep to the point of bleeding.  

Please continue to pray for Sam Simms who is battling non-Hodgkins lymphoma.   I was at his birth 17 years ago!   Pray also for his parents.   It's much easier to go through this yourself than watch a child suffer.      Thanking the Lord for his life, praying for his complete healing and hoping for a now kind of miracle.

Pray also for Drew Ansley.   Another long time friend has a 24 year old son who was in a bad fall and has been in a coma for over a month now.    However, God has been working in his body along the way performing miracles.   They need his kidneys to "wake up" next.  

Thanks so much prayer warriors!