Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

Any time I sing a hymn or worship song to the Lord, I really think about the words.   It's the same reason I have a hard time just singing just any song.   I want to be sure of what I am singing.  I want to sing to Jesus the words with all my heart.  When I quote Scripture, I want to speak with confidence the words that I am saying. Over the years I have said Psalm 23 many times, and have taught my children to memorize it.   However, since diagnosed with cancer I can say I've chewed on "through the valley of the shadow of death" a bit more.   It's easy to "feel" that you won't fear evil when you are on the mountain praising Him.   But what about when you are trudging through the valley?

My family loves shark week on television.   Believe it or not, the first year we watched it was at our beach vacation.   What an easy week for me watching children on the shore after that night!   This year during shark week, we watched a show about 3 soldiers that were shot down during WWII and were stranded in the ocean for 47 days.   They had few rations.   They were in rubber life rafts in the middle of the ocean!  The pilot had a major head wound, and they were continually surrounded by sharks.   The pilot was a Christian who taught the others hymns, Bible verses, etc.   The Italian catholic, who was an olympic medal winner before the army, gave his life to Jesus at some point in their wanderings.  But the 3rd soldier was always worried.   He kept saying they weren't going to make it, and that they were going to die.   The others talked about life.   The olympic soldier even "cooked" for them each meal.  He would tell how his mom made lasagna and give all the details.  He would describe the bacon cooking in the morning.   Although their bodies were withering away, their skin cooked, their lips and eyes cracked, two of them kept believing the Lord would make a way and were hopeful.   If you have a chance to watch it, it's a great story so I won't give away all the details.   But the main thing that I walked away with is that the two that were full of Hope lived.   The third who kept believing they would die...died.   They were in a vast ocean with the shadow of death always surrounding their boats, but two of them held on to the Lord, hoped, and lived to tell about it.   If they had not made it, they lived their last days in hope and not despair.

While I have been walking through this year with Satan whispering "death" in my ears and casting shadows on my way, I have found that I really am not in fear.   Not because of anything I have done, but praise God the Psalmist is right on.    He is with me!!    I love Him!  He has filled my heart with hope.   I am going to cling to Him for He is my life raft.   Psalm 31:24 tells us to be strong and take courage, all who fear the Lord.   Romans 8:35 says "Who shall separate us from the love of God?  shall tribulation or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?"   Nothing can separate us from His love.   Not cancer, not the bad economy, not broken appliances, not even my imperfect ways.  Of course, I could ignore His goodness towards me, begin naval gazing and feel very discouraged, unloved, and mistreated.   Forget that!   I am going to keep my heart towards the Lord, rest in His provision for all things, trust His heart when I don't understand His ways, and live in His peace and joy.    I am choosing to dance through the storm.

 

Chemo day # 4 of 8

We had a great vacation with family.   We returned Monday and now I'm sitting in a recliner at the oncologist's office receiving chemo.     I am so thankful to be half way finished this round, and at the same time it feels like I'll never be done.   By the time I finish and have surgery, I will have a whole year consumed with cancer.   Consumed was really only the possibility.   We didn't allow it to define our family.  To be such a difficult year, it has been a fantastic year.  We did have interruptions, but we tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible for the children.   I am laughing inside at writing normal.   What is normal for a large, home schooling family?

Silly faces

Today I thought I'd write about my iliostomy.    That has been one of the hardest adjustments during this journey.   You are vomiting from the chemo, and having to deal with your own smells.   It's like a cruel joke.   Everything else in life I decide I am going to do it and I do.  But dealing with this new attachment took me a long time.   When I decided to home school 24 years ago, my family thought I was nuts.   However, once the decision was made that this was the path for our family.   I studied, prayed, and even now continually learn to strive to do a good job.  When I decided to join a Protestant church after growing up Catholic, I did it.   When I decided not to do all the vaccines, I did it despite the protests.  When I decided to have as many children as God gave us despite our income, 7 years of infertility, and the 5 losses, we welcomed all 8 children.  Although I never knew anyone who nursed when I had children, I decided to nurse.   I wasn't successful with the first but was determined to figure it out with the next.   When I decided to have a VBAC 19 years ago, I did against the odds.  When we decided to home birth, we figured it out and did it.  Over the course of our marriage to save money, I learned to make our own bread and yogurt.   I learned to stretch our income to make healthy meals from scratch.   Stating all the above not to brag, but to say I am always willing to learn, change, and overcome odds to do what I feel needs to be done.   But when it came to this bag I had to wear, I allowed a friend to come to my home every 3 days to change it for nearly four months!!   I willingly inconvenienced someone because I just couldn't deal with it.  Now she will tell you it was her pleasure, but it was still one more thing she had to do two to three days a week.   Unlike myself who normally sees what has to be done and figures out how to do it, I was really good with the set up.  However, one night, the bag made a huge mess in my bed and I couldn't bring myself to call her in the middle of the night (although I had called her in the past near midnight).    I knew it was time to face up to the stoma and do it myself.   I knew what to do, because I prepared everything before she even came.   It's now just another normal part of  my schedule.   (Although I still look forward to the reversal in the fall after chemo.)   What did I learn?  1) that surprisingly I would allow someone to serve me for that long.   2)   Eventually you have to face up to the hard stuff in life.   3)  That God will enable you to do what you thought you would never do.  4)   If you look, you can still find Light in the dark days and there really is joy in the journey.

P.S. A special thank you goes out to Christine Rutherford, my faithful bag changing friend, who literally dealt with me and my crap for 4 months with a smile.   I no longer have to call you and say "hey, can we talk crap?"   Love you!!
 

Guest Blogging at the Purposeful Mom

I wrote an article for The Purposeful Mom blog.   It's titled "Finding Joy through Cancer".  You can visit it here.   Today was my birthday and it was a wonderful day indeed.   Tomorrow is the last day of our vacation.   It has been a blessed, restful week.   Thanking the Lord for a fabulous week with my family and friends. 

Vacation 2012

This year has been such a year of new things.    Besides all the changes that cancer brings to your life, this is our first year of vacation without two of our children.   I always joke with my children "why do you have to grow up so fast!" and I really felt it this year with our beach picture missing 2 adult children.

I haven't written as much the last few weeks.   I have been busy!   Spent a full week recovering from chemo treatment.   Then I helped at the 5th and 6th grade retreat that my 6th grader went to along with two of my teenagers who also volunteered.  Follow up doctor visits, dentist appointments, late birthday movie with my 11 year old and his friends, and preparing for the beach trip filled up the next week.   It's always a lot of preparation to leave with a crowd.   We like to leave the house "company" clean so we come home to a fresh home.   We plan our meals ahead of time so we don't spend a lot of money on food.   We don't even like to leave the beach the entire week.   It's a total week of games, relaxation, waves, and sand.

The older I get the more I want to hold on to each moment with my children.    When my eldest was 15 and I had 5 more children 8 years of age and under, time was a blur of diapers, laundry, school, meals, etc.   It was a wonderful, busy time that went much faster than I would've ever imagined.   Now to have a baby already three years of age, the oldest 26, and two grand babies I have a more realistic perspective of how time flies.   I want to redeem this time and try to make every moment count for eternity with my family.    I want to be more thankful than ever for the opportunities to train them.   I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be given the priviledge to train these arrows, but also feel the weight of the seriousness of this responsibility.

But this week, I am just relishing in the time we have together as a family with my sister, two of her children, and the time we get to spend with a nearly life long friend.   I really miss my oldest two, but am enjoying the time we are having.   We met our family's friend in Germany when we were very young and she allows us to stay in her home each year.   We are blessed by her generosity and enjoy her company so very much.   My children think of her as an aunt, and I as a younger sister.

 “O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; 

let me know how fleeting I am!  

Psalm 39:4

I will spend my birthday on the beach this year, and not even think about my next treatment due when I return.  Life is good....because God is good.    Therefore, I am going to rest in Him and purpose to enjoy every minute of this week that has been given to us.   Until next time, Michelle