Waiting on the Lord

"Light shines in the darkness 

for the godly.

 They are generous, 

compassionate, and righteous..

..They do not fear 

bad news; they confidently trust 

the LORD to care for them." 

—Psalm 112:4,7

 

I Am God's Favorite

I  enjoy telling my children that I am God's favorite . When an unexpected blessing comes our way, I smile and tell them "See, I told you.  I'm God's favorite."   When a beautiful bird lights upon our kitchen window bird feeder and sings, when an amazing sky blue pink sunset fills the sky, or when a meteor zips across the sky on a star filled night, I smile at them and tell them "yep, that's for me."   When true miracles have come our way, I truly felt the Lord's smile upon us.

How do my children feel now that I have cancer.  I have done the chemotherapy and radiation.  I have had surgery.  I still have stinking, active live cells.  Will they think the Lord gave up on me or turned His back towards me?   Do they wonder if the Lord is punishing me?  Will they think if this is how God treats His favorites, what hope do they have?   I am not sure how the eight of them will wrestle out their questions?   I pray their faith will be strengthened through this trial.   How could I possibly feel like a favored chosen one and not a victim to this hideous, sneaky disease?  It's hard to articulate in words but I still believe that despite my circumstances I am a highly favored daughter of the King.   Romans 8:38-39 says: 

   For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, 

nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, 

which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

With certainty, I believe this is true.  The Lord has surrounded me with His love while my body has struggled in pain.  He has sent encouraging notes, texts, and messages through His body (the church) when my mind, body, and spirit was too tired to remember.   He has sent over 100 meals since I was diagnosed the week of Christmas.   He has sent monies to help with our bills and doing so made provision for what we needed.   Though my physical future is uncertain, my spiritual future is secure in Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of the Father who has gone to prepare a heavenly home for me.   When fear has threatened to assail me, I've only to turn my heart to a faithful, heavenly Father who gives me peace in the storm and the faith to trust His heart when I can't understand his ways.  I choose to sing with the hymnast Horatio Spafford.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

Refrain: It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

I choose to say with Paul in Philippians 3:7-10 that "But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death."  I have gained more intimacy with Him, because my life has been forced to slow and sometimes stand still.   I desire the power of His resurrection in order to operate in the anointing by sharing His life and joy to all I meet.   I honestly NEVER desired to share in His sufferings, I am weak.   But, In Christ, I have found just as He beared the attacks and sufferings Himself, He enables me to stand strong when my eyes stay upon Him and not upon my circumstances, my pain, or even me, me, me in general.   So today we are catching up on some school, going on a picnic at the park, and cleaning the house.   And every blessing and reminder in nature that comes our way I will look at my children and grandchildren with a smile and say "yep, I am God's favorite and they are too."  

  

Chemo Postponed

Planned on spending four hours in chemo today.    Went to appointment and the Dr. basically reviewed the same information as last time about what was going to happen this time.   He warned me of the side effects I should watch for while on these lovely poisons.    My Aunt & I acted surprised because I was supposed to begin the treatments today, but I couldn't bring myself to insist on starting even if it cost me the $50 copay.    Then we went to my surgeon to see if he could help me out with some skin issues I am having due to the ostomy.    When our appointment was completed, he asked when I was scheduled next and I told him next Thursday.   He said I could hold off for another month and I nearly began dancing in his office because the next appointment included him taking a peek in the "EXIT ONLY" area.  In fact, when I made the appointment I told the office secretary that I couldn't believe I was asking for another appointment where I would feel violated and that I was even more bothered that I knew she'd ask me to pay for it when it was over.   We laughed.  

My aunt then took me shopping for some needs the children have in the shoe and clothing department.  Then she spoiled me and got me some comfortable pajamas for when the fun begins in a few weeks.    We had a great afternoon together and the children were so thankful for the items they received.   I've been amazed at how the Lord has met our needs even without us asking.   We had someone show up at our door today with laundry detergent and a dryer ball.  When I think about the many needs we have, I can get overwhelmed.   However, when I focus on what the Lord says in Matthew 6:34:  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" I can take a deep breath and truly just rest in Him for today.   Such a great reminder no matter what we are facing in life.  I'm closing today with thankfulness to the Lord for His goodness, His provision, and His healing touch in my life.    Thanking Him for using me to touch others for Him.   May His light shine.

First Ever Raffle

I have three "True Grit" books by Deborah Meroff that I'd love to give away.   I have fun trying to win raffles so I thought I'd have one of my own.   This is a great book of true stories about women taking on the world, for God's sake.  

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Who Signs Up For This?

   Pondering the past year, I realized I'm now a part of those people who have or have had cancer.   Nobody would volunteer to be in this group.  I never even imagined it a year ago.   And I surely didn't sign up for the joys of  those having an ostomy.   

   Then again I didn't want to be in the class of women who know the heartbreak of miscarriages either.   Five babies gone too early and one little girl at nearly 20 weeks gestation.   I'm absolutely positive my pastor's family nor my sister-in-law ever dreamed they'd be in the group of folks who have experienced the loss of a child.    Whatever hurt or hardships you've experienced, I'm sure you wouldn't have signed up for it.   You feel compassion, concern, and grieve with those who experience various trials in this life, but you sure don't want to join them so you can empathize with them.  

  But troubles come....

In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; 

I have overcome the world.  John 16:33

And we cannot walk around in fear with the "what if's" of life believing we have some kind of control to prepare us.   Fear robs your life of joy and peace.

For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; 

but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, 

whereby we cry, Abba, Father.   Romans 8:15

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from 

ALL my fears.   Psalm 34:4

  
     There is great opportunity in the trials of this life.   Will we choose to grow bitter, stuck forever in the asking of "why", or will we choose to cling to Christ and trust Him?   Many people say they can't wait to get to heaven to get all their questions answered.   I'm not sure just because we get to heaven the Lord of Lords is required to give us any answers.  My heart even trembles now thinking that I would consider that He owes me, a pitiful sinner saved alone by His great grace and mercy, any explanations!  I also think that we are going to be so overwhelmed by His great mercy, love, and splendor that we are not going to care one iota about our trials.   Are we going to choose to get bitter or better?   Not necessarily will our situation improve, but will we allow the Holy Spirit to make us better by allowing Him to heal our brokenness?   Will we allow Him, our Healer, to work through cracked pots such as ourselves in order that His light may shine forth?  Does this mean that everything turns out well?   Absolutely not.   I still pray I have a long life ahead of me.  I choose to continue to hope, plan, dream, and live accordingly.   I want to live!   But if I don't, I want to choose to live my last days as happy and joyous as possible.   Why would my children want to cling to Christ if they see me moping about, worrying, stressing everyday about tomorrow?   I want them to see Hope through me.    

To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory 
of this mystery among the Gentiles;

which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.   I Col 1:27

  I am not saying there may not be times of sadness or sorrow.    What I am saying is we don't dwell there forever.   What "group" have you become a part of in this fallen world that you never would have signed up for?   Divorced?   Widowed?   Child with special needs or illness?  Natural catastrophe?   Infertility?  Financial loss or ruin?   Infidelity?   Wayward children?    You know what situation or situations it may be for you.   When you first experience this trouble, you don't even care that this gives you opportunities now to help others.   But later, you hopefully do.   You are now on a mission field not of your own choosing.   How will you represent Christ to the world that is watching?    I promise you that the world is watching.   For me, I choose to tell of Christ's great love and mercy towards my family and I while walking this difficulty.   I choose to allow His love be on display wherever I go.   Today while buying ostomy supplies for the first time I had an opportunity to moan about what an awful lot in life I've now been given.   However, I decided to tell the sales person about how great a God I serve despite the road He has me traveling.   Will it always be easy?   Nope...next week I start back on a more difficult chemo treatment than before while continuing to balance the life of a large family, home schooling, trying to get my skin healed up around my ostomy that continues to break down, hoping to make this a great summer for my family despite me, and totally trusting the Lord for our finances since I'm no longer a source of income for our family.    It will always be a daily choice.   Will I choose to cling to Christ and His peace in this trial or will I choose to live in fear and despair?   I choose Christ.   I don't do this because I am more spiritual or holier than anyone else.   I do this because I have no choice.  I agree with Peter in John 6:68, where else would I turn?  Jesus Christ alone has the words of eternal life.   Whatever assignment you've been given, I pray you choose to seek Christ and find that He is more than enough to meet your every need.   Then I pray you will look for opportunities to share the Truth that you have found with a lost and dying world that is right outside your front door.  

 I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, 

that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: 

therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:  

That thou mayest love the Lord thy God, 

and that thou mayest obey his voice, 

and that thou mayest cleave unto him: 

for he is thy life, and the length of thy days.   

Deuteronomy 30:19-20a

Latest News from the Doctor

4 LITTLE MONKEYS HANGING FROM A TREE

Met with the surgeon this week and I will see him in two weeks to see how I am healing.    I told the receptionist I couldn't believe I was making an appointment to be violated and that she would probably even have the nerve to charge me for it.   Unbelievable!!   She said, "oh it's probably not ... well, I don't know, maybe it is that bad."   I assured her it was.

Today was the oncologist.   Looks like a busy, not too exciting, summer ahead.  My chemo begins again on  May 21st.   It's very different from last time.   I will spend 4 hours in the chair.    At first I will receive calcium, magnesium, and nausea medication.  The next chemo medicine is Oxaliplation.    This medicine can cause nerve problems and I may be very sensitive to cold, including drinks, a/c too high, etc.    Have a feeling it won't be hard to keep warm this summer in GA!   I'll also receive Leucovorin.    This helps decrease the toxic effects of the chemo drugs on my bone marrow.  Finally, I'll also receive the Fluorouracil that I got last time while in the chair and also take the bag home for 2 days.   I'll need to stay out of sunlight and will again have nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, tiredness, fatigue and chance of hair loss.  

My schedule will look something like this:   Spend Monday at chemo, go back Wednesday to get bag removed.   Come back in two Monday's to repeat for a total of 8 treatments.   So, I'll be dealing with 16 weeks of "stuff".  Then once I recover from chemo and radiation, I should have my ostomy reversed in October.    I'll also have some scheduled scans to check on the cancer. When this is over, I'll have scans every 6 months for three years.    If everything shows up good in those three years, my chances are excellent of not getting this cancer again.  I'll get yearly checks for two years after that and then considered cancer free again :D.

My blood tests today showed my white blood count is still low, my hematocrit level is low, lymphocytes are low (which put me at a greater risk for infection).   My pulse and RDW levels are high.    To help my body, I'm going back on my prenatal vitamins with iron tomorrow.   I'm also going to take extra B12 (which may be what I need to get my RDW in the right range).   I am going to work back up to at least 30 minutes a day of walking and back to decaf tea to see if I can get my pulse back into the normal range.   Looks like I'll be on a bit of "restriction" until I get my levels up high enough to be around people without getting sick.  

We are so thankful for all the support we have found through family, family of Jesus, and friends.   The way the Lord has met so many needs has been nothing short of amazing.   Despite our income being reduced two months before this discovery, we have paid our monthly bills including lots of doctor appointment copays, wisdom teeth removed on our oldest son, glasses for a younger son, repairs and replacements for needed appliances, and so much more.   Prayer requests:

• not be ill
• miraculous healing or more grace to get through it again
• surgery to have been effective and my body to heal right from the surgery
• my skin to do better with ostomy....has a hard time with the sticky stuff that keeps things on and with recovering from home health nurse damage from cutting my cover too large and exposing too much skin to "poop"
• One of the side effects of the chemo medicine is to develop Leukemia later...pray against that.
• Grace and strength for  my husband and children.    
• To feel well the day of the Golf tournament they are putting on for our family (6/9)
• Rusty enough side work to replace air conditioner this summer so we can keep our power bill down.  We are using room units now because it died last summer.  
• We've had to replace dryer, refrigerator, lawn mower, weed eater, element in year old stove, tires, car parts, and more since I've been diagnosed.   The enemy sure has been at work to discourage us so pray we won't have anything else unexpected to break down.
• Children to finish school well this summer and to sell enough books to buy the few needed things we need for next school year.  
• Cindy to finish nursing school well despite her sick mama....she will graduate in December, woo hoo!
• John Russell to get more hours or a better job while he studies for his Personal Training exam.
• Nicholas & Timothy to get enough side work (yard jobs, building swords, bird houses, whatever needed) this summer to play football next season.
• Praise & Michael would like to earn money for soccer next year.   They are great organizes, house cleaners, and babysitters.
• To glorify the Lord Jesus through it all.   

The Trouble duo found frosting.....and we found them :D

Wandering Thoughts on Health & Control

Although I don't feel I made health an idol, I did somehow believe my chances of getting cancer were pretty low due to my healthy choices (salads or vegetable soups daily, whole grain home made breads from grains I ground myself, as much organic food choices as we could afford, juicing, nursing babies for over 14 years, etc.)   To say I was shocked to find out I had colon cancer, would be an understatement.   It also has me pondering how  much control do I really have over my health?   My conclusion:   not as much as I'd like.   Don't get me wrong that doesn't mean I'm now going to junk out, start smoking, and become a couch potato.   But, it does mean I'm even more thankful for every day the Lord gives me....that HE  CHOOSES to give me.

“O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; 

let me know how fleeting I am!  Psalm 39:4

I still believe I'll strive to make the best choices as possible because my body is not my own.   I'll still make as much food from scratch as possible because it saves money and doesn't have ingredients I don't know how to even pronounce in the meal.  I'll buy local and organic when I can but will not feel like a failure mom when I cannot.   

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?  For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.   I Cor 6:19-20

I'm still praying for a long life here to see my children grow and to invest in the generations.   However, I won't ever believe "I beat" cancer or that "I was stronger."   This disease has shown me how helpless I am.  Ultimately, it's in God's hands.    BUT I do believe we serve a God that still chooses to heal and until He tells me no, I'm praying for complete healing and health in Jesus name.   

It has also caused me to reflect more on how I spend my time.   I hope that my children remember me in His Word, preaching the good news, praising His name more than worrying about food.    You could go crazy trying to figure out the healthiest way too eat:   vegetarian, organic grass fed meat only, butter, no butter, olive oil, no oils, raw milk, no milk, and on and on and on and on.   

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:31-34

It's a matter of the heart.   As a mom, I do plan meals and try to purchase wisely with the resources God gives us.   It's a part of my job description that I truly enjoy.   The past four months we have been given lots of meals.   Do you think I was going to see if they measured up to certain standards?  No way.   We have been so thankful for the way the Lord has provided for us while I have been under the weather.  

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.   Colossians 3:15-17

  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  James 1:17

What's next on this cancer journey?     Went to surgeon visit today and he seemed a little concerned that I have pain where the cancer was but he thinks it's probably due to all his dissection a few weeks ago in my body.   Friday I see the oncologist and find out when chemo begins again and for how long.   Nobody mentioned another round of radiation so hoping that is nowhere in my future.   Pain is lessening each day but will be glad when it's gone.   Went off the big pain meds yesterday and going to try to control with motrin.   Hopefully, that will be short lived as well.   Thanks again for all the prayers and show of love to our family during this trial.