Quote from "Stepping Heavenward" by Mrs. E. Prentiss

"She says I shall now have one mouth more to fill and two feet the more to shoe, more disturbed nights, more laborious days, and less leisure or visiting, reading, music and drawing.

Well! This is one side of the story, to be sure, but I look at the other.

Here is a sweet, fragrant mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God; and the body in which dwells is worthy of all it will cost, since it is the abode of a kingly tenant. I may see less of friends, but I have gained one dearer than them all, to whom, while I minister in Christ's name, I make a willing sacrifice of what little leisure for my own recreation my other dear darlings had left me. Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to her time, her strength, her health, her tenderest cares, to her lifelong prayers! Oh, how rich I am, how truly, wondrously blest!"

Thursday, April 26, 2012

My New Ring Tone

I've had my older kiddos roll their eyes and my younger guys laugh the past week and a half when they heard their Daddy call my phone.   My phone says who is calling when you call me.   Before I changed it, when my husband called you would hear  a mechanical sounding woman's voice say "call from baby's daddy, call from baby's daddy".   Well, we had received plenty of giggles over that.  Not exactly what you expect from a 45 year old white girl with 8 kiddos all from the same daddy.   He has earned a new name on my phone.   If you call me now, you'd hear "call from my hero prince charming, call from my hero prince charming."   He has always taken great care of me, but having to take care of me after this last surgery along with helping me adapt to an ostomy bag.   (Translation....he really had to deal with my crap!)   He slept on the couch for the past week and a half that I've been home to take care of me because I couldn't sleep in the bed.  In fact, I've slept in the chair that he bought me the day I got home because I hurt too bad to lay flat.   Last night was my first night in the bed.   Still not easy but getting better.   I'm so thankful to the Lord for this wonderful husband.   We've been together since 1982.   We've seen really good times, and really hard times.   We've been blessed to birth eight beautiful babies.   We've cried together over five babies who didn't make it.   He's taken care of me when I've been too sick to function while pregnant or from chemo and radiation.   He truly is a blessing to me and our children.   Thanking the Lord tonight for my hero, prince charming, Rusty.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, 
and gave Himself for it;" 
Ephesians 5:25
  
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I Peter 3:7

Monday, April 23, 2012

Stinkystomaphobia

That is the name I've given to my condition that I will require home health care for until my ostomy is reversed in October.   I was advised that as soon as I can drive they will no longer need to come.   I told them I won't drive until October.   I was serious.   I didn't see that I'd ever get use to this new attachment to my body.  However, I have found that I'm able to deal with my bag without gagging these days.   Vick's vapor rub for my nose was a wonderful idea from a friend.   I haven't even needed it in the last few days.   I also am less disgusted each day and have settled in more to this is how life is.   Thanks to answered prayer I am now able to sleep through the night and tonight I'm going to try not to sleep in the chair but in the bed for the first night since surgery.  



What has the Lord been teaching me these days?   
  • That in all things He is good.   IN ALL THINGS!   
  • That he has blessed me with the best of husbands that has served me over and abundantly well in these hard times.   
  • That the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me....even when I was too tired to read His Word, too tired to Praise His name, too weak to thank Him.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Home at Last

Warning:   If you are weak of stomach, you may want to pass on this post.  If you are offended by honest confessions of weakness and doubt, pass again.   However, if you are up to a good laugh at someone else's expense (mine), read on.

It's been a loong week.   Last week at this time I was eating my presurgery bland diet.    Tuesday, I began the liquid diet with the gagging, cleansing cocktail that was in the largest jug I've ever seen.   It was rough going.  I had a great visit with my Dad.   Our children, excepting the oldest son and married daughter (of course), all got to my sister's to settle in for the week.  My husband had just hunted down a dryer since another appliance died since our cancer journey began and was getting everything in order for our week.   The next morning, Wednesday, we had to be at the hospital between 5 and 5:30 and I got into the elevator at 5:29.   Everything went pretty quick after that.   They "cleaned me out" more!   I got gowns on, talked to the ileostomy folks who marked me for my stoma, talked to doctor and anesthesiologist.   Don't remember a thing after they asked if I was ready.   Honestly, don't remember much about Wednesday at all except thinking I was in so much pain that I needed a bedpan fast!!   I was arguing with the nurse that I really needed one, although I had a catheter and an ileostomy.    My eldest daughter was translating for me because I was talking crazy under anesthesia drugs and I guess I was too insistent.  I woke up stuck to a bedpan!   Wednesday was a blur of sleep and pain.   Thursday I was more coherent and couldn't figure out why I had i.v.'s when I had a port and was trying hard not to think about my ileostomy.    Meanwhile, my sister was managing all the kiddos including home schooling them.   My mother was helping out between me and the kiddos.   (She'll need a vacation soon).   My daughter, although balancing nursing school, husband, and two kiddos, came everyday to the hospital.   My eldest son held down the home front while working his part-time job and visiting afterwards.   (In fact their last visit together which also included my son-in-law, my son's girlfriend, and a family friend, I discovered laughter is not good medicine if it takes you hours for your stomach to quit hurting so you can sleep.  Although, it was still good for my heart.)  However, nobody will need a vacation more than my husband.   He has been truly a dream through the "for worst" part of our vows.   Friday, Saturday, and Sunday is a blur of dealing with crazy amounts of pain (especially after they took the magic morphine button away from me), dealing with nausea, eating a liquid diet although I had no appetite, and ignoring the ostomy.   In fact, I decided until I had to learn to go home, I was not dealing with it at all.  But by Sunday the nurse decided I had to learn how to empty my bag.   I was not happy!  My thinking was this is what they get paid for and I have to deal with it the rest of the 6 months, let me stay in denial.  I didn't prepare myself before surgery for the bag like I would everything else in life because I really hoped they would change their mind or I wouldn't need it.   I decided my nurse was lazy (and this one was although the rest were great) and quit even calling her when I needed help which led to a big disaster.   Rusty had to help me when nurse's didn't because 'stuff' had to be measured to keep up with the output.   I'm not sure why I didn't call him right away this time to the restroom, which is good for him because the end slipped out of my hand and liquid poop went everywhere.   I was so emotional about this whole deal that I looked up at Rusty (he was at the door) and instead of breaking down crying like I felt like doing, I smiled weakly and said, "sh*t happens?"    Now my children reading this will be in shock, because this is definitely not in our family's vocabulary and it's not anything I struggle with so please don't send me notes of how terrible profanity is and that Christian's shouldn't ever use it.     Because I agree and teach this even to my family, but it was a weak moment that needed serious humor.   It delivered because it's so out of character for me and my hubby just laughed.    And we needed to laugh.   

Before I could go home, I have to pass ostomy training.  My nurse was very sweet.   She let me know that in ileostomy world my stoma was beautiful.  I let her know in the real world it was disgusting!   She told me all kinds of details and even the what if things that could go wrong.   No lie...I started getting a fever, my 110/60 bp went up to 151/95.   I advised her I don't do bad smells.  She advised me it's no worse than baby poop because it's coming out the small intestine.  I let her know that I'm the mom that struggled changing poopy diapers and I have 8 children.   She said it really isn't too terrible once I accept the mental.   I let her know that I'm not sure how anybody eats on the toilet.   (When you eat anything with an ostomy, you get to hear disgusting output noises while you are eating!)   At this point, I told my mom to please feel free to leave because I doubt I could even do this for her (did I mention I think they removed my filter along with 18" of my colon).   I somehow passed training but she did sign me up for two weeks of home health care.  (When did I get so old?)

Well, this is a long post but that's the story.  

Apologies to everybody to whom my missing filter may have caused hurt feelings:
*the folks drawing blood that I told them to go away they got no more chances because I have a port they could access. 
*to my husband who advised me my diamond fell out of my ring at some point while I was in surgery.   When he let me know that everybody felt it must have been loose to have fallen out and I responded if that makes you feel better and helps you sleep at night, okay.   (i yi yi)
*to my mom, I will really help you out if you have an ostomy one day (with help from the Lord!). 
*to my eldest son, whom I found out I gave a serious guilt trip to when I was on morphine.
*to anyone else I may  have missed.....apologies.   I was on drugs if that gives me a pass.

Prayers:   to sleep at night more than one-two hours at a time due to discomfort and pain, nausea to go away, fevers to stay away, to mentally adjust to life with an ostomy.

Monday, April 2, 2012

It's All Perspective

The past six months have contained lots of trials and troubles.   I wonder when the Word speaks of Satan walking like a roaring lion seeking whom he may destroy if one of his weapons is discouragement.    Since October:  I was laid off, my cancer was discovered, our roof replaced, our refrigerator had to be replaced....TWICE, house fire from fireworks, children with flu like colds, house taxes due, vehicle tags due, car problems to repair, both lawn mowers and weed eater not working (one lawnmower and weed eater also less than 2 weeks old), two water leaks in yard that had to be found and repaired, dryer died, all of this amidst nearly six weeks of chemo and radiation and homeschooling!    This past Friday, my son was helping by making pumpkin chocolate chip muffins to take on our beach trip, and our oven caught on fire (electrical) and died.   My first reaction was REALLY??   REALLY??   One more thing!   This oven isn't even two years old.  



As we await our tax money to come in to purchase a new stove, dryer and lawn equipment (if my husband cannot repair the stove or lawn equipment), I decided I'd remember this year a different way.   I get more time at home for school and family, was healed from cancer, got a new roof, got a new refrigerator, made repairs on the house, children were healed from awful colds and I didn't get the bug even with a compromised immune system, taxes were paid, tags were purchased, car problems repaired, lawn equipment repaired or purchased, leaks repaired, dryer purchased, and I made it through chemo and radiation pretty doggone well.  It will be like a new me and a new home.   The new me won't be just physical, but definitely mental and spiritual as well.  I refuse to let Satan rob me of my joy, to miss seeing the provisions of God for each trial presented, and to walk in defeat when I am a child of the King.   Therefore, I will hold my head up high even if it's in the middle of a stinky situation, lift my hands and Praise Jesus for He truly has provided all I need every moment in every circumstance.

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Quote from Jim Elliott

He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. (His thoughts on Luke 16:9)

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